


penrose steps

by thereisnoreality



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Idols, Background Relationships, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, long kdrama-esque lingering stares, some cliches include:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:14:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/thereisnoreality
Summary: [ENTER-TALK] Song released five months ago rockets to top of chartsmelon.lnk/25F628TThis song played at the end of A Flower Named You and it wasn't on their OST Soundtrack. I got really curious and looked it up and it turns out the song was released five months ago by a k-indie singer. I'm freaking obsessed and I can't stop listening ㅠㅠ I wonder why he isn't popular?? And why the drama used another singers song? Maybe they weren't popular enough...1. [+369, -200] I've been watching the drama too! It's not the greatest but Na Jaemin's face is too good looking to not watch ㅋㅋㅋㅋ The song killed me too, I'm shocked to see at the top of Melon already...2. [+180, -45] The song reminds me of autumn. It's so nice to listen and his voice is beautiful, I nearly cried.3. [+100, -20] I've been a fan of Lee Donghyuck since his debut and he's always made amazing music. Ahh but this song... Oppa who hurt you ㅠㅠ?
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 153
Kudos: 737
Collections: ’00 FIC FEST: ROUND ONE





	penrose steps

**Author's Note:**

> okay. it's finally done. 
> 
> this fic really would not have been finished without so many and i have to say the biggest of thank yous to all of them. thank you to my absolutely amazing beta, vicky, who literally was here every step of the way and took every 10k i added with utter grace and didn't even have the urge to kill me (or even if she didn't, she didn't mention it, so thank you i love you).  
> thank you to greenie and berry for reading the fic whenever i asked - for greenie for yelling at me whenever i made it too sad and for berry for putting up with my whining and yelling at me to make it more sad <3  
> thank you so much to my prompter, this fic grew its own legs and sprouted a whole world of it's own, so thank you for this amazing prompt (#208!) - i'm sorry i took so long with this fic, and i hope you enjoy it.  
> and finally thank you to miss tea for putting up with my extensions and missing deadlines and still allowing me to post this fic into the collection, thank you for all your hard work in making this fest happen!
> 
> if this reads like a kdrama distilled into a fic, that's exactly what I was going for
> 
> please listen to this playlist while reading because its frankly amazing and I've put a lot of thought into it [:D](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6G2MJFRFZdR8LCjmDusRAz?si=K2AoZ7luTqaQM2Fxvz4eRg)

**Present**

Jaemin hates watching himself on screen. He dreads every movie premiere, every TV show appearance where they play his hit scenes - aka the most cringe worthy scenes - to squeal over, every single time he visits home and his mother forces him to watch his airing dramas. He hates watching himself act because every time he does so, it just becomes an exercise in self flagellation. What could he have done better? Why does his smile look like that? Why can’t he ever cry in a way that doesn’t look horribly ugly?

He hates watching himself act, but here he is, on a Tuesday night at 10 pm watching himself cry over his onscreen girlfriend as she coldly breaks up with him. It’s a major episode in the series, which is why Jaemin is even bothering to watch himself - he understands the logic behind monitoring himself, but that doesn’t mean he _likes_ having to see his face for 55 minutes straight, two times a week.

“ _Mina- please_ ,” onscreen Jaemin begs, a tear shimmering at the corners of his eyes. He lifts his arm as if to stop her, but Mina steps back, shaking her head.

Real-life Jaemin rolls his eyes and takes a grumpy sip of his green juice. There’s a pimple on screen Jaemin’s left cheek, not hidden well enough by CG, and his expression looks more constipated than it does pained. He’s not the biggest fan of this drama, to be honest. He’d only taken it because it was relatively short - only 12 episodes - and he didn’t have any other work on the horizon for a couple months, not until his movie started filming. He had regretted the choices as soon as pre-production had begun though; the script was cheesy and vomit-inducing, including many directions for Jaemin to act like a typical tsundere boyfriend - a role he despised, and his chemistry with the leading actress was strained to say the least.

Unfortunately for him, the drama had done relatively well in its ratings and this meant that Jaemin was looking at an extension of 4 episodes, which meant that he actually had to monitor himself to see how he was so far doing.

He casts a look at his watch - a horrendously expensive Chanel brand, gifted to him by Jeno on the fourth anniversary of his acting debut. Jaemin rarely took it off - the only way he could conceivably display to Jeno that his gesture was not overlooked. The time reads ten to the hour: ten more minutes of his drivel. Jaemin sighs, and crosses his legs under him, fishing for his phone buried in the couch cushions as the drama fades to advertisements.

There’s a text from Renjun reminding him of a shoot tomorrow and another text from his nutritionist, asking for confirmation of his appointment next week. Jaemin forwards the text to Renjun to make sure he’s free and when his phone pings promptly with an assent, Jaemin texts the nutritionist.

He locks his phone, pushing it under his thigh as the drama comes back on again, narrowing his eyes at himself, now standing in the rain outside Mina’s house. _Pathetic._ Jaemin doesn't understand his character, not one bit - he’s whiny and desperate when broken up with, but cold and distant in every other aspect of his life. But thankfully, a perk of being Jaemin was that he was talented enough to not have to relate to his character to be able to play him well enough.

The end of the episode is dramatic and sad, with Jaemin walking up a sloping hill in the dark, his shoulders slumped. Irrationally, Jaemin wishes that something would jump out of the dark and kill his character- now _that_ would be a good plot twist. As the screen pauses on the last shot, the credits starting to roll, Jaemin groans, grabbing his remote and making to turn off the TV before the song playing at the end catches his attention. He stares at the TV, turning up the volume, heart catching in his throat as the song thrums around him.

The melody is hauntingly familiar and the voice that pours out of the speakers, highly sweet and dripping in honey is even more so. The remote falls from his numb fingers and Jaemin’s breath catches as he stares at the screen. He hasn’t heard that song in months - five months to be exact - hasn’t heard that voice in real life in over a year and a half.

The screen fades to dark, and for half a second Jaemin gapes at his reflection before the the TV flips to the starting of the next drama, the familiar jingle of the cable filling the room. Jaemin startles at the sound and fumbles around for his phone.

“Renjun!” He yells into the phone as soon as his manager picks up. “Renjun, what the fuck!”

There’s a muffled groan and Jaemin hears the sound of sheets rustling. If Jaemin wasn’t completely focused on a different matter, he would have snickered into the phone and asked Renjun who the lucky person was. He puts the TV on mute waiting for Renjun to respond.

“What?” Renjun snaps lowly into the phone, shuffling around. “I thought you were supposed to be monitoring yourself today, if you’re at a club or something, Na Jaemin, I swear on all that is holy you won’t _live_ to see tomorrow-”

“No, I’m at home.” Jaemin cuts him off before Renjun can spiral into a tirade of how he would dismember Jaemin. It’s nothing he hasn’t head before. “Renjun- listen to me. I was watching my show and the song, Renjun the _song_ -” he breaks off to take a breath, staring down at his floor, at his house slippers. He needs to sweep it sooner or later - it’s getting dusty.

“What song?” Renjun asks, voice calmer now.

“The song at the end of the show- where an OST is supposed to go,” Jaemin hisses. “Renjun, it’s _his_ song. Why is his song on _my_ show?”

“Hold on,” Renjun says. “Can you- Jaemin. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Donghyuck’s song, Renjun!” Jaemin yells, hand tightening around his phone until his knuckles hurt. “It’s on my show! Why?”

There’s a pause.

“Donghyuck’s song is on your show?” Renjun asks, his voice low and controlled.

“Yes.” Jaemin’s hand clenches around the receiver. He doesn’t understand why he’s so riled up about it himself but the thought - the _thought_ that Donghyuck might have known and still let it happen anyway. Jaemin fights down a swirl of nausea.

“I’ll figure it out,” Renjun says, and then the receiver clicks in finality.

Jaemin lets the phone fall to the couch and sits there in silence, thinking. Trying _not_ to think. The memories rise up in him, welling to the surface, threatening to overwhelm him.

Eventually he makes his way to bed and doesn’t sleep a wink.

**Nine Months Ago**

“Go again,” Mark instructs.

Donghyuck groans, slamming his head against the wall of the recording studio. “We’ve done this song twenty times already. Can’t we just stop?”

"And you've messed it up every single time," Mark snaps back, but there's no anger in his voice, only a faint trace of stress. "Donghyuck - just - this is the last song on the album. You've got to finish it."

Donghyuck _knows_. This was never supposed to be a song he released. It was meant to sit in the back of his diary, in the back directory of his computer files, never to be let out into the world, never to be heard by another human being. But here they were, with 90% of an album finished and the last 10% staring him in the face, waiting to be sung. The higher ups wanted a deeper, more emotional song to round out the album, wanted him to dig deep and write something that would _feel_. And Donghyuck had plucked this song out of the depths of his hard drive and had slid it over to a knowing Mark, ready to expose his every nerve ending to fire.

Donghyuck closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see the lyric sheet propped up against the stand, doesn't have to see the damning truth written out in stark black and white characters staring back at him.

"Donghyuck," Mark starts, his voice lower, more comforting. "We can-"

"Let's go again," Donghyuck interrupts, straightening and rolling his shoulders back. He opens his eyes again to his lyrics, his thoughts, ugly and pained splashed out against the page. "I can do it this time."

Ten minutes later, Yangyang walks into the studio to find Donghyuck face down on the couch, Mark still sitting at the sound board, a tired look on his face as he fiddled absentmindedly with the sliders on the board.

"You're still not finished?" He asks, appalled, dropping a bag of fresh Chinese food, too close to the sound board, if the hissed exclamation Mark lets out is any declaration.

"I can't do it," Donghyuck mumbles into the disgusting couch cushions. Mark does his best to keep his studio as clean as he can, but after years of working with him, Donghyuck's seen too many things spilled and hastily cleaned up on this couch to be too comfortable with pressing his face against the wrinkled fabric. But there were other more pressing concerns that led to this position and so Donghyuck stayed.

"What can't you do?" Yangyang asks, dropping to sit on the backs of Donghyuck's thighs, making him grunt in pain. He wiggles around, trying to get comfortable before patting Donghyuck's ass in a conciliatory motion. "It's just a song, you've sung so many of them before. Suck it up and let your vocal cords do their thing, man."

"It's not that simple," Donghyuck mutters.

"That's what we've _been_ trying," Mark supplies. "He's not getting the proper emotions, it just sounds like there's a robot at the mic, spitting out the lyrics."

Donghyuck heaves a giant sigh, as well as he can with Yangyang's weight sitting on top of him. He knows why he sounds so blank while singing. If he starts thinking about the song, about the reasons he wrote it, about the _person_ it was about - the song already felt like razor blades cutting against the inside of his throat every time he opened his mouth to sing - and adding all those pesky, _horrible_ emotions in there, would probably lead to Donghyuck having a breakdown in the recording booth.

And he’d already satisfied his breakdowns quota for the month.

Later, when the company's hallways are dark and silent, and Mark had gone home, a quietly empathetic look on his face as he clapped Donghyuck on the shoulder saying, "It'll be better tomorrow, don't beat yourself up over it, Hyuckie," Donghyuck slips back into his studio, three bottles of soju clutched in his hand, his diary in the other, ready to drink himself into a stupor so deep, he’ll have no choice but to sing.

"I knew you'd come back," comes a voice as he opens the door, and Donghyuck yelps, clutching at his chest as he scrambles for the light switch, heart pounding.

"What the _fuck_ , Yangyang," he snaps, sagging against the doorjamb, trying to get his heart rate back to a normal tempo as Yangyang's tiny figure comes into view, his fingers steepled, a comical look on his face. "Why were you sitting in the dark?"

"So I could act like a Bond villain, of course." Yangyang shrugs. "Get in here and gimme." He wiggles his hand at the bottles.

Donghyuck sighs, shutting the door behind him and dropping down on the couch, passing one of the bottles over to Yangyang's reaching fingers. "Why are you here?"

"Cause I knew you'd come back," Yangyang says, popping the top off and taking a sip, grimacing at the taste. "And despite all the bluffing and showing off you do, you and I both know you don't know how to record yourself properly."

Donghyuck makes a face at him. "I've done it before."

"For an acoustic cover with _one_ guitar," Yangyang snorts. "A child could figure out how to record that."

Donghyuck lets it go, staring down at his diary. He's had something like five or six journals since he became a trainee, all thoroughly used, every single page scribbled in with bits of lyrics, thoughts, concerns, doodles, Donghyuck's whole life splashed across the pages in varying colours of ballpoint pens.

The song he'd written sat at the very end of this notebook, scribbled down by a drunken hand, and Donghyuck reasoned that if he'd been off his rocks to write it, he probably would have to be at least a little bit tipsy to record it. He stares down at the nearly unintelligible writing, the page wrinkled where Donghyuck's tears had dotted the page. He makes a disgusted noise at his past self and opens his own bottle.

"Okay," Yangyang calls, too loudly and Donghyuck winces, yanking his headphones away. "Are you- _hic_ \- ready?"

Donghyuck sighs, rubbing at his bleary eyes and opens the floodgates in his chest, lets all the feelings, every single dirty, horrible, _painful_ emotion run free, lets it well up in his lungs, lets it overwhelm him until it hurts to breathe. "Yeah," he whispers, staring at his journal, having taken the place of the lyric sheet on the stand. His hands tremble as he smooths the page out, and his throat feels like it's being sliced to ribbons when he clears it. "Let's get this over with."

**Five Months Ago**

Jaemin doesn't mean to click on the link.

Seriously.

It hadn't even been at the top of the charts when released, sitting somewhere around #45, a quietly unassuming white album, hastily scribbled lyrics decorating the front cover, with scratched out words and a signature at the bottom. Handwriting that Jaemin could recognise in his sleep.

Jaemin doesn't mean to click on the link.

But - _but_ he's a little drunk right now, more than a little sad and there's no one around to stop him when his hand wavers over the mouse pad before clicking on the album, letting the first song thrum out of his laptop's shitty speakers, filling the air around him with a thick fog.

Jaemin closes his eyes, crosses his legs under him on the cushy computer chair, leans against the back and doesn’t move.

There are ten tracks in total, each one more painful than the last, but Jaemin doesn't stop. He keeps listening and feels his insides fill up with blood, feels the air constrict his lungs, as tears burn at the back of his eyes.

Jaemin doesn't like to cry.

He hates him.

The last track starts up.

Jaemin stops breathing, and the tears spill over.

He hates _himself._

**Seven Years Ago**

There's a new boy in his class. Donghyuck pulls out a headphone, curiously taking in the new kid bowing low and introducing himself in a high, nervous voice. Donghyuck raises an eyebrow and goes back to the song he had been listening to. New kid or not, he was certainly not interesting enough to detract Donghyuck’s attention from the new Hyukoh album.

However, it seems as if Na Jaemin was determined to make Donghyuck pay attention to him. During lunch he dropped down opposite to him, a wide smile stretched across his face.

"Can I sit here?" He asks brightly.

Given that his tray was already set down on the table and his ass was already on the seat across from him, Donghyuck shrugs in acquiescence. Mark was out with the flu and Donghyuck usually ate with him and his friends, so today he was alone. Moving schools at the beginning of high school had not done his social life any favours, and Donghyuck had quickly gotten used to the feeling of being alone.

"You're in my class," Jaemin continues. "Lee Donghyuck, right?"

Donghyuck pokes at the egg roll on his tray. "That's me," he says. "Where'd you move from?"

"Busan," Jaemin says, busily mixing his soup, not noticing when it spilled over the edges, mixing with his rice.

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. "Why?" It was the middle of the year of their second year in high school. No student would be insane enough to change schools this late and risk their grades.

Jaemin brightens. "I got scouted by an agency," he says, with all the air of a kid moving to the big city to pursue his dreams, untethered by his fears and propelled by the stars in his eyes.

 _Ah_. It becomes clear why Jaemin had decided to latch onto Donghyuck with all the energy of a golden retriever puppy. It was no secret around the school that Donghyuck and Mark were trainees at a top company, both ruthlessly dedicated to their dream - enough to slack in their studies, enough to spend hours practicing after school only to show up the next day with bruises on their knees and elbows and their throats sore from practicing late into the night. Jaemin must have been directed to him, must have thought he'd find a kindred spirit in Donghyuck.

Donghyuck considers him, taking in his shiny black hair and pretty features. Celebrity doesn’t seem like a far off ideal for him. "What company?" Jaemin mentions an acting company, something Donghyuck had heard of but isn't very knowledgeable on. "Huh... You think you're gonna debut?"

Jaemin's motions pause and he sets his spoon down, meeting Donghyuck's eyes, gaze intent. "Why? Don't you think I will?"

Why does he care what Donghyuck thinks? Donghyuck doesn’t even know him, but he shrugs nonetheless. "It doesn't matter what I think. You'll debut if you have the talent. And if they think you'll make it."

"What an oddly cynical view of the world you have," Jaemin says thoughtfully. "Do you apply the same policy to yourself?"

Donghyuck thinks about it. Had the same question been posed to him two years earlier, before he’d entered the company, he would have said _no_ instantly. The Donghyuck two years ago had fanciful dreams of making it in a group in a couple of months, had possessed enough - perhaps too much - faith in his abilities and his qualities. Now, though, after two years of the same cycle of practice-school-evaluations-practice, Donghyuck isn't as sure.

“Ask me again in a couple years.” As if they would even know each other then.

Jaemin’s pretty features curl up in confusion. “Why not now?”

Donghyuck sighs and picks up his spoon again, dipping into the soup. “Because I don’t like my answer now.”

It seems though, no matter how terse or quick Donghyuck tries to keep their conversations, Na Jaemin keeps coming back to him, keeps trying to be his friend. It doesn’t help that as soon as Mark comes back from his illness-induced isolation, Jaemin latches onto him with all the force of a satellite falling into the Earth’s orbit, and Mark is endeared enough to allow him into his and Donghyuck’s tiny friendship circle.

Somehow, by serendipity or by the grace of contractors, it turns out that Jaemin’s company building is down the street from Mark and Donghyuck’s, and they end up taking the bus there every day, squeezed together on the two person seat like sardines in a can, Jaemin and Mark chattering about their day and Donghyuck trying not to fall too hard into Na Jaemin’s own orbit.

He fails.

Days grow into weeks grow into months, and suddenly, Jaemin is a part of their two person group as if he’d always been there, as if his coming in wasn’t an induction but merely a reintroduction. As if he’d just left for a short period of time and had returned, sliding into the spaces between them with ease.

And despite his best efforts, Donghyuck’s irritation and distance slowly melts away with every further interaction and somehow, Jaemin becomes as close to him as Mark was.

“Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck doesn’t look up. It’s nearing midnight and the buses will stop running soon but he knows that if he goes back to the dorms without this problem set done, he’ll immediately pass out and it’ll be just like he hadn’t even attempted it. Dance class had ended early for _once_ and Donghyuck had escaped as quickly as possible, scooping up his bag and heading for the nearest convenience store, the one around the corner from the company that stayed open forever, leaving the van that would take them back to the dorms behind.

Jaemin had texted him later asking to meet up, and Donghyuck, like a fool, had agreed.

A pencil pokes the sleeve of his hoodie. “ _Donghyuck_ , look at _me_.”

Donghyuck sighs, pushing back his hood which had fallen over his face as he’d bent over the homework and looks impatiently up at Jaemin. “What?”

Jaemin pouts at him, lips pushing out in the most dreadful way. "I'm bored."

"I'm _busy_ ," Donghyuck stresses. "I need to finish this set or I'm screwed for class tomorrow."

Jaemin puffs out a breath, his bangs ruffling in the wake as he rolls his eyes. "What does it matter?" He asks. "You're going to drop out once you debut, aren't you?"

"That implies I'm going to debut sometime in the next year and a half," Donghyuck mutters without much vitriol, flipping back over his notes to find the equation he'd missed. "And that's not likely, given the current rumours at the agency." The words ache coming out of his mouth, but he doesn't take them back. Two years of his life had already passed this way, away from home, an endless cycle of school and practice and more practice and more school. Two years gone. And yet he persists.

"You shouldn't be so pessimistic," Jaemin murmurs, tapping at Donghyuck's arm, and when he refuses to look up, wraps a freezing hand around Donghyuck's chin, forcing him to look up. "Donghyuck-ah," Jaemin says, looking straight in Donghyuck's eyes. Donghyuck doesn't blush at the action, but he feels as if he should. Jaemin’s face is way too close, his features oddly serious for once. "You're going to debut. You _are_. You're the most talented person I know and talented people always find a way to show the world what they're made of."

Donghyuck stares at him. Outside the window, a group of college girls shriek happily as they stumble down the sidewalk, drunken joy filling the air around them. Donghyuck doesn't mention the other reasons he keeps trying at school. That reason was too forbidden, too sad for even Donghyuck to think about. "Even more talented than Mark?" Is all he asks eventually, the words spilling unbidden from his lips.

Jaemin just huffs out a laugh. "I'm not answering that," he says, letting go of Donghyuck's face. He casts a glance at Donghyuck's bag. "Have you eaten?"

"Have _you_?" Donghyuck counters. Unlike him, Jaemin doesn't have the constant burning of calories every single day for hours on end, and that means he has just as little going into his system. In the short few months away from home, the fat has already melted from his cheeks, leaving the last stubborn bit of baby fat still clinging to his oddly sharpened features. He doesn’t look gaunt yet and Donghyuck’s grateful for at least that.

Jaemin rolls his eyes and pushes back from the tiny bar they're sitting on, facing the window looking out onto the street. "I'm getting you ramen," he says, walking down the aisle before calling behind him, "And you're eating every single bite of it!"

Donghyuck watches him go with a mix of exasperation and fondness before turning back to his homework set. There were only a couple more problems left to go. If he tried, he could have them done before the store owner kicked them out.

Summer hurtles upon them like a train, unyielding and fierce, and Donghyuck hates every second of it. He should be grateful, he supposes, that there’s no schoolwork to worry about, no exams or homework to stress over, that all of his time can now be spent sweating, crying, and bleeding out into the floorboards of his company, vanishing into thin air the second they leave his body. Because suffering was a silent, solitary fight in these four walls and Donghyuck had no right to complain, not when those around him were going through the same exact thing.

If anything, the one good thing that comes out of those hot, unending months, is that he has a lot more time to hang out with Jaemin. Donghyuck tries to appreciate that, clings onto the silver lining even as his dream seems to drift farther and farther from him with every breath he takes, with every day that passes.

“They’re debuting a new group,” Mark tells them when they meet up at the Han River. Donghyuck had gone ahead, leaving Mark behind to speak with a manager, and when Mark finally catches up to him, he and Jaemin are spread out on the grass in front of the river, lazily finishing off their rapidly melting ice cream cones, not caring when the ice cream melts in rivulets down their hands, making their fingers sticky. Donghyuck’s head is on Jaemin’s thighs, staring up at the clouds, pointing out the weird shapes that form above them.

Donghyuck stares at Mark as he sits down on the grass next to them, peeling off the wrapper of his own cone. “What do you mean?”

Mark looks downcast. “They’re debuting a new boy group, at the beginning of next year.”

“You didn’t make it,” Jaemin states. Mark shrugs and Donghyuck’s head spins. Mark was one of the top trainees, excelling in everything he tried, coming out of classes with unending praise from instructors who would rather cut off their right hand than concede to saying something nice about a trainee. If _Mark_ didn’t make it, what were the chances of Donghyuck doing so?

“Did- did they say anything about me?” He asks quietly, hesitantly, a tiny amount of hope still lingering in his chest despite the rationality rattling at the back of his mind.

Mark shakes his head. “I’m sorry Hyuckie, no. They apparently already decided the group, and neither me nor you are in it.” He sighs, staring at his ice cream before getting up to toss it in the garbage, still mostly uneaten, rivulets of sticky cream trailing down his fingers.

It feels hard to swallow all of a sudden, as if there's a large rock in his throat, as if he's suddenly coming down with a cold and he can't breathe. Jaemin's hand lands in Donghyuck's hair, stroking softly, and Donghyuck's eyes burn. He sits up abruptly, dislodging Jaemin's hand, staring furiously down at the grass. His ice cream cone falls from his hand and lands on the ground. _I won't cry_ , he chants to himself. _I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry_. What use would crying do? Mark wasn't crying and he was in the same position as Donghyuck. They'd spent their whole lives together, working for this dream, had joined the company at the same time, had waited for three years for this and now... Now they were back at square one.

Jaemin's hand enters his blurry field of vision and scoops up the cone, walking away to the trash can to dispose of it. Mark scoots closer, his hand landing on Donghyuck's, still clenched in the grass.

"I'm sorry, Hyuckie."

"Why are you sorry? We both didn't get it," Donghyuck mumbles, as Mark guides his head onto his shoulder, his hand soothingly rubbing down the nape of Donghyuck's head. It's that - that singular act of affection, of comfort that Mark usually never offers - that sends Donghyuck's tears spilling over, burning tracks dripping down his cheeks. Abruptly, he feels all too young for this, too small and too weary to bear the weight of this burden. He'd left his home for his dream but now his dream seemed to run further and further away, with every step he took.

He hears Jaemin sit back down behind him, his hand curling over Donghyuck's other hand still on the grass.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Jaemin says to Mark. Donghyuck pulls away from Mark's touch, blinking the tears out of his eyes. "Hyuckie," Jaemin says, his eyes wide and sad. "I'm sorry."

Donghyuck shrugs, messily wiping his eyes. "It's fine," he says, trying for a grin. By the look on Jaemin's face, he doesn’t succeed. "It's fine," he says again, glancing at Mark. "We're just going to have to do better. Work harder."

Some of that previous steel comes back into Mark's dry eyes and he nods.

"Yeah, we will. We'll make it, all three of us. We will."

Life goes on.

They wake up, they practice, they learn languages with all the proficiency of a half asleep five year old entering the classroom for the first time. They dance, they sing until their throats run red with blood and then they go to sleep. And wake up to do it all over again.

If Donghyuck feels stressed, it's clearly nothing compared to what Mark feels like. Every time Donghyuck sees him, he seems withdrawn, the bags under his eyes heavier and darker as if he hasn’t slept for weeks. But Donghyuck can't do anything about it - they're all suffering in their own way. They're all here for the same thing, after all. They're all here for their dream.

"Mark," Donghyuck says, rapping his knuckles on the side of the practice door. Mark is huddled in a tiny closet masquerading as a practice room, running through his rap again and again. "Are you going home?"

Mark doesn't look up. "Nope," he says. "Go ahead."

"You should get some sleep," Donghyuck tries.

"Evaluations are tomorrow," Mark says again. "I don't have the time, Donghyuck." His words are short and abrupt and Donghyuck tries not to take any offense at them. He nods, knocking against the door once more in a wordless goodbye before shutting the door behind him. Chances are, he'll find Mark here in a couple hours, when the morning comes, passed out over his notes, his pen still clutched in his fingers just as he had for the last three weeks.

He doesn't bother asking a staff member to drop him off at the dorms, choosing to walk back instead. The night air is cool, and he sucks in deep lungfuls of it, tipping his head up at the night sky.

It's been a long few months and school is coming up on the horizon again, waiting to strike, and Donghyuck doesn't know what to do with the burgeoning bubble of anxiety that seems to always be lodged in the back of his throat these days. He passes by the corner convenience store and pauses when he catches a glimpse of a familiar figure sitting at the bar stools by the window, lit up by the fluorescent lights in the background.

"What are you doing here?"

Jaemin looks up at him, his hoodie falling off his head in the motion. The smile that spreads across his face is warm and large and he pushes out the stool next to him in invitation.

"I've got to get back soon," Donghyuck says softly, but he sinks onto the stool, leaning into Jaemin's one armed hug. "I've got monthly evaluations tomorrow."

"Which explains Mark's absence." Jaemin nods, running his fingers through Donghyuck's hair as they separate. "How are you doing, little one?"

Donghyuck scowls up at him, but its half-hearted. "You didn't answer my question, what are you doing here?"

"Neither did you."

"I asked first."

Jaemin shrugs. His fingers are playing with Donghyuck's hair so softly that it's almost sending Donghyuck to sleep. "I wasn't tired. Thought you might drop by."

"I have a phone," Donghyuck reminds him. "Texting is a thing, you know."

Jaemin smiles at him. "You'd get in trouble."

Donghyuck shrugs back, a slumped half move of his shoulders. He's too tired for more. "It'd be worth it for you. Besides, it's not like they can’t debut me any _less_ at this point." If he had been less exhausted, he probably wouldn't have said the former sentence, but the words are out in the open now. Jaemin studies him for a beat longer before dropping his hand from Donghyuck's hair and tangling their fingers together.

"You shouldn't do anything like that for me," he murmurs, before getting up. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

"I can make it by myself," Donghyuck protests, jumping off the stool. Jaemin scoops up his half-eaten kimbap and offers it to Donghyuck who pushes it back towards him with a frown. "Stop giving me your food, you need to eat."

Jaemin rolls his eyes. "And _you_ need to sleep," he says, steering Donghyuck out of the store, raising a hand in goodbye to the exhausted looking part-timer standing at the front, leafing through a magazine. She doesn't even look up as they leave.

Jaemin walks him back to his dorm, despite Donghyuck's repeated insistence that he can manage by himself. At least, Jaemin finishes eating his poor excuse for a dinner on the way.

They tangle their fingers together loosely together, hidden by the long sleeves of their coats. Jaemin tells him about his training, how he spends more time learning how to speak without an accent than anything else, about which Donghyuck teases him mercilessly. He and Mark had more or less rid themselves of their heavy Jeju accents in the few months after they'd arrived, but Jaemin still slipped when he wasn't actively concentrating on his words.

"It'll all be okay, sun," Jaemin murmurs as they walk up the street leading to Donghyuck's dorm. "You'll make it, you and Mark both will."

Donghyuck can't help the bitter twist of his mouth despite the warmth that fills up in him at the nickname. "That's a nice sentiment, Min-ah, but that doesn't mean it'll come true."

"It does," Jaemin insists, tugging him to a stop with his hand. Jaemin steps closer, cupping Donghyuck's cheek in his free hand and tilting his face upward to look at Jaemin. His eyes are tired but open, his thumb gently stroking over Donghyuck’s cheekbone. "You shine so bright that no one in the world could keep you hidden for long. You'll make it, I believe in you."

Donghyuck stares up at him. Jaemin always manages to hit exactly on what Donghyuck's feeling the worst about, the most insecure about. Not making the debut team had lodged a hit against him, so hard and strong that Donghyuck didn't know if he was going to be able to claw himself back up out of it again. But here Jaemin was, holding Donghyuck's hand, and saying all the words he needed to hear.

"And if I don't?" It comes out in a whisper.

Jaemin gazes at him and then closes the gap between them, resting his forehead against Donghyuck's. Donghyuck’s eyes flutter shut on instinct at the proximity, surprised when he feels his heart skip a beat at the feeling of Jaemin against him. "Then I'm here for you, no matter what. It's you and me, sun. We're forever. I promise you that."

Donghyuck can't help the small noise that escapes him. "Forever," he whispers, and it comes out nearly like a question. Jaemin hums in response, and in that moment, standing shrouded in the darkness, the light of the singular street lamp shining several feet away, wrapped up in Jaemin's arms, pressed against him, buffered by his words and his presence alone, Donghyuck _believes_ him.

Jaemin steps back, but not before pressing a kiss to the top of Donghyuck's forehead. "Get some sleep," he says, drawing away. "Good luck tomorrow."

"Good night, Jaemin," Donghyuck says, tightening his grip on Jaemin's hand, before letting go and walking into his dorm. When he glances over his shoulder as the front door to the apartment swings shut behind him, Jaemin is still standing there, his hands shoved in his pockets, waiting for the door to shut before he walks away.

**Five Years Ago**

Jaemin startles when the text comes in. His roommates had all left for New Years and Jaemin’s been quietly watching tv for hours now, stewing in mindless silence. The notification startles him out of his daze and he shifts around, trying to fish his phone out from where it had disappeared to under the mat he was sitting on.

**sun ☀**

you didn't go home for nye did you

**jaemjaem**

no

are you at the dorms?

 **sun** ☀

actually...

im near your apartment

Jaemin sits up straight in his seat, staring down at his phone. It's been almost a month since he'd last seen Donghyuck. They weren't in the same class anymore this year, and Jaemin ended up having to squeeze in extra classes in during lunch just to keep up so even that small amount of time had disappeared. And Donghyuck and Mark hadn't left their company building in weeks.

**jaemjaem**

well what are you waiting for?

get up here

 **sun** ☀

^^

coming

Jaemin thinks about asking about Mark, but these days, the mere mention of Mark turns Donghyuck's usually smiling face into something pinched and sad. Instead, he gets up and cleans the space around him, sweeping all the empty snack wrappers and coffee cups into the trash and grabbing an extra pillow from his bed. Suddenly, the pain of not being able to go home for the holiday seems a little weaker, less intense.

The buzzer rings and when Jaemin goes to open it, there Donghyuck stands, bundled tightly in a fluffy coat and his nose buried in a thick scarf.

The smile that rises to Jaemin's lips is unbidden but welcome, fond and warm all at the same time. "Hey, you."

Donghyuck glances up at him, and in the next second, throws his arms around Jaemin’s neck, hugging him tightly. Jaemin returns the embrace as hard as he can, pressing his cheek against Donghyuck's head and closing his eyes. He hadn't realised how much he'd missed Donghyuck until this moment, the smell of Donghyuck's familiar shampoo rising up around him, his face buried in Jaemin's neck for a solid minute, his arms tight around Jaemin. Jaemin can hear his heartbeat, loud and strong and he tightens his grip, for half a second, around Donghyuck before they part.

"I missed you," Donghyuck mumbles, muffled through his scarf as Jaemin ushers him through the door. "It's been so long."

"It has," Jaemin agrees, shutting the door behind him. Donghyuck looks exhausted as he unwinds the scarf from his neck, the dark circles under his eyes pronounced and the cut of his cheekbones far too sharp against his skin.

They spend an hour catching up, leaning against the wall of the living room, the fluffy blanket from Jaemin's bed thrown over their intertwined legs. Jaemin tells him the strange stories about his trainers who had the craziest ideas on how to make him an actor, and Donghyuck tells him about his last few months of training. But there's an undercurrent of exhaustion running through his every word and something else, something that Jaemin can't pin down. He doesn't press, however; when Donghyuck's ready, he'll tell him.

Close to midnight, Donghyuck clears his throat, his fingers twisting in the sheet. "So..." He starts. "I have to tell you something."

Jaemin sits up straighter. "What's up?"

Donghyuck's lips press together, and he looks down, away from Jaemin. "I dropped out of training. I left the company."

The world freezes for half a second, and Jaemin can't help his mouth dropping open in astonishment. He didn't think Donghyuck was the type to give up. Not like this. Donghyuck glances up at him and his expression darkens, saddens further, when he sees Jaemin's face.

"Say something," he says, _pleads_ , quietly.

Jaemin swallows, closing his mouth. "Why?" He asks, and he takes Donghyuck's hands in between his own. "I thought... Hyuckie, this is all you ever wanted to do."

"That doesn't mean I'll get to do it," Donghyuck says in quiet anguish. "They're debuting a girl group in the fall, and that means we won't get another group for at least a year and I- I can't. I can't stay there and run around in circles doing the same thing over and over again and not get anywhere. I can't-" his voice breaks. "I just- Jaemin- I can't-" he ducks his head, and Jaemin pulls him into a hug as he dissolves into tears.

"Shh," Jaemin soothes him, running his hands down Donghyuck's back, as he falls apart in Jaemin's arms. "Donghyuck, I-"

"It's like I'm running constantly towards a dream that's just never going to materialise. Every time I get close it just.... _vanishes,_ " Donghyuck whispers, and Jaemin can feel his tears, hot and burning, dripping down on his collarbones.

"I'm so sorry," Jaemin whispers, feeling helpless. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to make it better for Donghyuck, make it so that he's not breaking apart any more. "Donghyuck, I'm _so, so_ sorry."

Donghyuck hiccups out what could be the beginning of a sob and Jaemin hugs him as tight as he can, burying his face in Donghyuck’s hair, trying to inject all his caring and love into that one action. Anything to help Donghyuck. Anything to ease his pain. In the background, the TV silently plays the countdown to the new year and at midnight, Jaemin presses a kiss to the crown of Donghyuck's head and closes his eyes.

Donghyuck lets out a shuddering gasp and doesn't say anything, doesn’t speak at all. And Jaemin just smooths his hand down his back and doesn't say anything either. Just holds him in his arms and tries to hold him together.

Later, they scrunch up in Jaemin's bed together, Jaemin gently wiping the dried tears off Donghyuck's face with a damp towel before tossing it on the table and curling back around him.

"What did Mark say?" He asks, and knows instantly that it's the wrong question when Donghyuck's expression shutters.

"We got in a fight," he says firmly, as if trying to force the words out before they can hurt him entirely. "He didn't understand why I was giving up and it got ugly."

"You're not giving up," Jaemin refutes. "You're just finding another way to achieve your dream."

"That's a nice way to put it," Donghyuck mutters, and Jaemin makes a noise.

"No," he says firmly, cupping Donghyuck's cheek with his free hand and making him look up at him. He nearly forgets his words when Donghyuck's eyes meet his, warm brown and sparkling and _sad_ , his bottom lip tucked under his teeth. Jaemin gazes down at him, breathless, before he remembers what he wanted to say. "Donghyuck, you've fallen down, that's it. That's all it is. You'll get back up again and you'll _make_ it. I believe in you." He smiles, gratified when Donghyuck returns it, tiny and shy. "I told you, Hyuck, you're the sun. No one's going to be able to hide you for long."

"You know," Donghyuck says, thoughtfully, consideringly. "When I first met you, I didn’t like you."

Jaemin gapes, affronted. "Thanks. Here _I_ am saying all this nice stuff to you and you-"

"No, no listen," Donghyuck laughs, putting a sweater covered hand on Jaemin's face, muffling his words. "I was _wrong,_ you proved me wrong. You turned out to be one of the best people in my life." His face sours for a second. "Probably the only best person in my life now. And I just-" he looks up at him, their gazes locking. "Thank you, Jaemin-ah. Really. For everything you’ve done for me."

And in a slow, almost horror movie like realisation, Jaemin registers his cheeks warming under Donghyuck's unwavering gaze. "Anything for you, Hyuckie," he says softly because what else is there to say. "You know that."

In the morning, Jaemin wakes up to find his bed empty. He scrunches his eyes, casting an eye blearily over his room. It's empty, but when he runs a hand over the empty side, the sheets are still warm, and from the living room, comes the soft laughter track from the tv.

"You're awake early," Jaemin comments.

Donghyuck turns around, a cup of coffee clutched in his hand. "Happy New Year, Jaeminnie," he says, offering it to Jaemin. The coffee is as black and bitter as Jaemin likes it, and he casts Donghyuck a pleased smile.

"Happy New Year." Jaemin waits until Donghyuck joins him at the low table in the living room, setting down his own cup of coffee. He's wearing Jaemin's old pajamas, and they hang off his thin frame in a way that has Jaemin half concerned over his diet and half unsettled over the sharp claw of pleasure that rips at his stomach seeing Donghyuck in his clothes. He hesitates before moving on ahead. He had never been afraid of saying what he wanted to Donghyuck and he wasn't about to start now just because his brain had suddenly clocked into some strange feelings about him.

"What are you planning on doing now?"

Donghyuck sighs, a wry twist of his lips curling across his mouth. Jaemin's gaze gets arrested on his lips for half a second before he forces himself to look away.

"I'm going back home for a bit," he starts slowly.

Jaemin's cup nearly slips through his fingers. "You're leaving?"

"Not forever," Donghyuck says quickly. "I mean, school’s going to be over with in a few weeks and we’re graduating so I’ve got some time, but after I'm coming back, I'm not giving up. You were right, nothing's going to keep me down for long."

Jaemin can't help the fond smile that grows. The easy thing about being Donghyuck's friend is that he's never down for long and it's remarkably easy to be his emotional support.

"How long will you be gone?"

Donghyuck shrugs. "A month? Maybe less? I just want to take a break, but I'll be back."

"I know," Jaemin says, nodding. "You'll make it, Donghyuck. No one hides the sun for long."

He's ridiculously pleased to see the blush that mists over Donghyuck's cheeks. Donghyuck takes a long sip of his coffee, avoiding Jaemin's eyes. "Stop being so cheesy this early in the morning," he mutters, and Jaemin's smile grows wider and fonder, almost aching with the force of it.

**Present**

> [ENTER-TALK] Song released five months ago rockets to top of charts
> 
> melon.lnk/25F628T
> 
> This song played at the end of A Flower Named You and it wasn't on their OST Soundtrack. I got really curious and looked it up and it turns out the song was released five months ago by a k-indie singer. I'm freaking obsessed and I can't stop listening ㅠㅠ I wonder why he isn't popular?? And why the drama used another singers song? Maybe they weren't popular enough...
> 
> 1\. [+369, -200] I've been watching the drama too! It's not the greatest but Na Jaemin's face is too good looking to not watch ㅋㅋㅋㅋ The song killed me too, I'm shocked to see at the top of Melon already...
> 
> 2\. [+180, -45] The song reminds me of autumn. It's so nice to listen and his voice is beautiful, I nearly cried.
> 
> 3\. [+100, -20] I've been a fan of Lee Donghyuck since his debut and he's always made amazing music. Ahh but this song... Oppa who hurt you ㅠㅠ?

Donghyuck slowly puts down his phone, staring into the abyss of his coffee, unable to think. He'd woken up this morning to a barrage of texts from his company, from his friends, almost twenty from Yangyang who had left him screaming voice messages over KKT. Donghyuck had glanced at them for half a second before running to his laptop and pulling up Jaemin's drama, determinedly skipping to the end where the drama had frozen on a shot of Jaemin's devastated face, his lips pressed together as the song played.

His song.

How did they get _his_ song?

Then he'd watched the whole episode, listening for every mention of his song, ignoring Jaemin whenever he popped up.

Then he stalked the internet, looking for every article and reading every comment.

He stares at his phone screen again, about to pick it up when a knock on his door startles him.

"Are you up, fucker?" Yangyang yells, rapping his knuckles on the door loudly. "I know you've read my text messages, open up!"

" _Ssh_ ," Mark hisses, loud enough that Donghyuck can hear it still sitting in his living room. "You'll wake up the neighbours."

"Open up!" Yangyang yells again, clearly ignoring Mark's warning.

Donghyuck heaves a large sigh and pushes himself up off the floor, opening the door.

"You're so _loud_ ," he says to Yangyang's face, long suffering.

"And _you're_ so slow," Yangyang snaps back, pushing past him. Mark follows with a clap to his shoulder and Jisung peeps around Mark's shoulder, throwing him a sheepish grin.

"We brought breakfast," he offers, and Donghyuck melts a little. Curse the higher power that had decided to make Jisung irresistibly cute.

"I suppose you can come in," Donghyuck allows grudgingly and Jisung bounds past him with a grin.

"Congratulations are in order, I guess," Mark says, handing Donghyuck an egg sandwich and popping the top off the soup.

Donghyuck scrunches his nose up at him. "For what?"

Mark stares incredulously at him. " _'For what?'_ Donghyuck, you hit number one on _all_ the charts, that's huge! You should be happy."

Donghyuck purses his lips. He knows what he's about to say is incredibly petty but... "It's _his_ show, though. I got popular through _him_."

"Is he Voldemort?" Yangyang asks incredulously, spearing a whole pancake on a chopstick and shoving half of it into his mouth. "Why can't you just say 'Jaemin'?"

Donghyuck growls at him and Yangyang grins unrepentant. " _Fine_. My song was on Jaemin's show, which, what the fuck? How does that even happen?"

Mark raises an eyebrow at him. "Did you, I don't know, pick up Ten's calls?"

"I was distraught," Donghyuck informs him, but Mark's already dialing Ten's number and holding his phone out to Donghyuck, who takes it grudgingly.

"Hey baby," Ten purrs lowly into the phone. Donghyuck cringes. "You weren't in bed-"

"I'm going to cut you off right there before you say anything more traumatising," Donghyuck snaps, before the conversation can delve into horrifying levels. "It's me."

"Oh," Ten says, his voice coming back up to normal levels. “You."

" _Yes_ , it's me," Donghyuck snaps, pushing away from the table to let the others talk, walking into his room. "What the fuck Ten, why was my song on- on a drama?"

Ten sighs. "Listen, I meant to run it by you, but the show runners were desperate and one of their staff heard this song and wanted to license it for the show."

"You should have told me," Donghyuck says numbly. "Ten- I- you _know_ how I feel about Jae- about him."

Ten sighs again, louder this time. "Listen, I know," he starts, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes at the bullshit that's coming his way. "But there wasn't enough time to go through all the motions of trying to convince you and then do it behind your back anyway, so I made an executive decision."

"I should fire you," Donghyuck comments stolidly as he walks back to his living room. What else is he going to say? The decision’s already been made and he’s already facing the effects of it. Yelling at Ten won’t do anything but hurt him later when Ten decides to enact his revenge.

"Good luck with that," Ten snorts. "I work for the company, little demon, not you. And you should be thanking me, you brat. Your song is topping the charts. Do you know how many requests we're getting from music shows already? It's only been a day. Not even that, really."

Donghyuck makes a face at his phone. "Bye Ten," he says, handing the phone back to Mark, who blushes at whatever Ten says to him before hanging up.

Donghyuck sighs, plucking his phone back off the table. Before he can pick another article to scroll through, Yangyang snatches his phone away from him.

"Eat your breakfast before you scroll yourself to death," Yangyang instructs, pointing the chopstick containing a half eaten pancake on it at him. "The comments will still be there when you return."

Donghyuck scowls at him but grudgingly picks up his sandwich and bites into it. "What do I do now?" He asks quietly. He can't think about it, he can't think about, he can't- "Do you think he heard about it?"

 _Dammit_.

Jisung bites his lip and Donghyuck shoots him a look. "He didn't mention anything to me," Jisung says quickly once he catches Donghyuck looking at him. "I haven't talked to him in weeks, he's been pretty busy."

"I don't want to know," Donghyuck says resolutely, taking a large bite of his sandwich. "I really don't want to know."

Yangyang snorts and Mark shoots him a quelling look. "I don't know about Jaemin, but I know what you do now." When Donghyuck looks up at him in askance, Mark shrugs. "You do your job, Hyuck. You're a singer and you're finally getting your big break. And now you go do your job and make all of your hard work worth it."

Mark was right, of course he was. Donghyuck had never known Mark to be wrong - except for that one time - and he always steered Donghyuck the right way.

"Do my job," Donghyuck sighs.

"Consider yourself lucky, you miser," Yangyang says, poking him with a clean chopstick. "Thanks to your ex's drama, you've got so much more of a job to do now."

Donghyuck tries to kick Yangyang out of his apartment. It doesn't work.

**Present**

Donghyuck's debut as a musician had been a small one. His album had done okay - not great, but not terrible either. He played in a lot of small clubs, high end coffee shops, and tiny venues whenever he had concerts. He'd done well but not great. Middling. That was his career in a word. Average.

But now... This was a whole another ball game.

Donghyuck stares up at the Music Bank stage, swallowing hard. The stage is much bigger than anything he's ever played and far, far more intimidating. The chatter of the audience is loud and expectant. Waiting for Donghyuck to get on a stage he doesn't know if he can fill. Through the gaps in the back of the stage, he can glimpse random lightsticks scattered around, but most of them are white. It couldn’t be for him. He’s pretty sure no more than a thousand people had heard of him before… Before _this_ had happened.

"I can't do this," he mutters, stepping back. But before he can get very far, Ten's hand drops onto his shoulder, nails digging painfully into his muscle.

"You can do it, you will do it, you _are_ doing it," Ten says coolly, handing him his guitar. "Don't chicken out on me now, Hyuck."

Donghyuck slides his guitar over his shoulder, clearing his throat. "Yeah. Yeah - okay."

Ten pats his shoulder. "Get up there," he says softly, tone going warmer than it had been a moment ago. "Show them what you're made of."

Donghyuck turns to wince at him. "What happens if I choke?"

Ten raises the eyebrow with the diagonal slit in it. "Then you're not the singer I know."

It's harsh, but it's the way Ten operates and it's exactly the push that Donghyuck needs.

"Right." He nods, and strums his guitar, once, twice, letting the strings vibrate against his fingers to ground himself. "Okay, I'll see you on the other side, I guess."

"You got this." Ten claps him on the shoulder and pushes him up the stairs to the main stage.

Donghyuck had known he wanted to be a singer since he was seven years old and had participated in the school play. He'd gotten one line, and was in the chorus the rest of the time. Those seven songs, loudly sung from the back of the line, beaming at his mother in the front row, had been the happiest he'd ever been in his short time alive.

And when he'd finally gotten the chance to pursue it, it was all he'd ever dreamed of. And nothing like it.

Donghyuck stares back out at the crowd staring up at him, faces half hidden behind the lightsticks, the glow of the sticks more intimidating than the spotlight. When Donghyuck plays his usual round of clubs and coffee shops, he has regulars, people that he knows or at the very least recognises. Now though, standing up here, lofted several feet above the audience, there is not one single person he can recognise. It unnerves him more than he'd like to admit.

A camera swings into view and a voice comes over the loudspeaker. "Two minutes to air."

"Um, hi," Donghyuck says into the mic, wincing when it crackles at his voice. "How's everyone doing today?"

There's a muted cheer and Donghyuck does his best to smile. "I didn't realise how many people liked my song, it's really amazing. Thank you all so much for the support, it means more than you can imagine."

Louder cheers and Donghyuck's smile widens, some block in his chest loosening. This might be a different stage but it was still _a_ stage. It was still the place he knew how to shine the brightest on, the place he felt at home on. He clears his throat, adjusting his guitar, and glances up at the camera, readying himself.

"On that note, thank you so much coming today. This is _Untitled_."

A finger taps his head hard, startling Donghyuck from his sleep.

"We're here."

Donghyuck groans, sitting up in his seat, scrubbing at his face. He'd been woken up well before the sun had risen by Ten and had spent the whole morning in the same car, readying a wide grin on his face that he felt looked far too plastic and fake. Ten hisses and smacks him on the shoulder. "Don't rub at your face, you're gonna get wrinkles."

"It's early," Donghyuck whines, pulling his seat up so it's no longer reclining flat.

“Well, you’re a big shot now,” Ten says, opening the door and grabbing Donghyuck’s stuff out the back. “TV shows and music shows and radio shows.” He shoots Donghyuck a teasing grin. "All because your amazing manager made the decision to send your song off to a drama."

Donghyuck frowns at him. "I still haven't forgotten about that," he mumbles. "No matter how many shows you get me on."

"Oh, I'm not getting you on anything," Ten says as he leads Donghyuck to the dressing room behind the set. "The offers are just flying in left and right. We're having to _pick_ shows for the first time in forever. I think it's the first time I've ever seen Taeil cry."

"He _didn't_ cry." Donghyuck gapes at him. "Taeil doesn't show human emotions."

"He did," Ten says gleefully, throwing himself on the couch and pulling out his phone. "It was amazing to watch."

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at him, but the rest of his words get cut off as the stylists bustle in, holding black bags full of clothes and makeup.

It was strange certainly, getting up in the morning and having a job to do. He had things before, of course, small radio shows, an interview here and there, but nothing like this. Nothing like the attention and notice people had suddenly started to direct at him. Now, he had several interviews to do and talk shows to appear on and music shows to play, every single day. It was like Donghyuck had fallen through the looking glass and now he was on the other side, in another world, looking back out at his old self, wondering how the hell he'd gotten here.

And every single time he thinks about it, he ignores the fact that every single time it always comes back to Jaemin.

**Four Years and Eleven Months Ago**

Jaemin considered himself very lucky to have the parents he did. They supported him when he decided to quit skating after his injury. They supported him when he decided to move hundreds of miles away from home to pursue a far off dream of acting. They supported him even years after the fact, when he decided to stay away from home and continue slogging through his classes, all for the far-off hope of debuting.

But even Jaemin wasn't shameless enough to keep asking for money from his parents, which had led him to this.

"I'm heading home," Yuta calls as he pulls off his apron. "You all good to lock up?"

"Yeah," Jaemin says cheerfully. "Have a good night, sir."

"Hyung," Yuta reminds him, and Jaemin smiles in goodbye as Yuta shuts the front door of Neko Coffee behind him, waving at Jaemin through the window before pulling on his coat and vanishing around the corner.

Jaemin takes the next hour to clean up the espresso machines and make the pastry prep for the next day. Just as he's about to draw the blinds down on the cafe and lock the back door behind him as he leaves, there's a knock on the front door. Jaemin peeks his head around the corner and the keys slip from his fingers when he sees who's standing behind the glass of the front door.

It's almost embarrassing how quickly Jaemin scrambles for his keys and hurries to unlock the front door. Donghyuck laughs as Jaemin frantically shoves the keys in the lock and slams the door open and yanks him into a hard hug.

"You're back, you're back, you're _back_ ," Jaemin chants into Donghyuck's hair, wrapping his arms tightly around Donghyuck's waist, tugging him close. They sway on the spot and Jaemin buries his face into Donghyuck’s hair, drinking him in.

"I'm back," Donghyuck murmurs, hugging him back as tightly as he can, a soft giggle escaping him. Jaemin can't help the large smile breaking out on his face. "Ugh, Jaemin, you're about to snap me in half."

"Well, bear with it for a couple more seconds," Jaemin mumbles, refusing to pull away. "It's been a long month."

Donghyuck laughs again, and pulls back far enough to press a kiss to the side of Jaemin's jaw and holds on, as tight as possible, refusing to let go.

"How was going home?" Jaemin asks later when they're on the bus back to his apartment. Donghyuck's stuff is all sitting unpacked in his new apartment and he's staying with Jaemin for the time being until he manages to get it all settled. "You look much better than before." He pinches the curve of Donghyuck's cheek fondly, happy to see his cheeks having filled out and his eyes bright.

"It was good," Donghyuck sighs, leaning against him and wrapping his arm around Jaemin's. "I do feel better, thank you."

Jaemin glances down at him, smiling. Donghyuck's hair is fluffy and long, having grown out a little, and he smells like himself, like peppermint and like home.

"How are you doing?" Donghyuck asks softly.

Jaemin rests his head against Donghyuck's and closes his eyes, linking their fingers together. "Better now that you're here."

**Four Years and Ten Months Ago**

Donghyuck closes his eyes, leaning against the wall. His laptop slips off his thighs and onto his bed, but he makes no move to recover it.

He'd told Jaemin when he came back from Jeju that he'd figured himself out, that there was no longer a sense of crippling doubt niggling at his heart, that he had a plan for his life going forward. Looking into Jaemin's big, believing eyes, he couldn't have said anything else.

Which was all a big fat lie.

He'd met with several companies, had tried writing several tracks, and had even applied for more part time jobs than he can remember, and none of them, not a single one, had come to fruition.

**jaemjaem**

are you working?

**sun ☀**

... are you watching me?

**jaemjaem**

haha no

are you at home

**sun ☀**

unfortunately

**jaemjaem**

good

Donghyuck squints down at his phone.

**sun ☀**

what do you mean =_=

**jaemjaem**

nothing ^^

bye i have class

love you

**sun ☀**

i'm watching you na jaemin

**jaemjaem**

>.<

**sun ☀**

.... i love you too

**jaemjaem**

:D

The second he puts his phone back down, there's a knock at the door. Donghyuck frowns at his phone, wondering if Jaemin had decided to surprise him. It wouldn't be the first time. He slides off his mattress and walks the three whole steps from one end of the room to his front door.

When he opens his door, he can't help the way his mouth drops open. He doesn't mean for the first words out of his mouth to be, "How the fuck did you get up here?"

Mark Lee, whom he hadn't spoken to in two months after a screaming match between them had occurred when Donghyuck decided to leave his company, looks up at him sheepishly. "The door was open."

Donghyuck glowers at him. "How do you know where I live?" He hasn't talked to Mark in so long, and despite how their last time had gone, he can't help the way his heart hurts at seeing Mark's pale and thin face.

Mark waggles his ancient phone in Donghyuck's face. "Jaemin texted me."

Donghyuck makes a mental note to destroy Jaemin the next time they meet.

Mark clears his throat and tries to run his hand through his hair. It’s a failed attempt because he clearly forgets that he's wearing a snapback and nearly knocks it off his head. Despite himself, Donghyuck's endeared. "Can I come in?"

Donghyuck sighs, and steps aside. "I suppose."

He doesn't miss the way Mark sweeps his gaze about the tiny room. Over the packs of cheap ramen sitting by the hot plate - because his kitchen stove was broken and the landlord hadn’t come to fix it yet- over the air mattress, over the mini fridge Donghyuck had found at a market for an absolute steal. Donghyuck clears his throat and crosses his arms as Mark sinks down by the mattress. "What are you doing here?"

Mark glances at his laptop and Donghyuck flushes, sitting down by Mark and snapping the lid shut before Mark can start to decipher the shit Donghyuck had managed to cobble together. Mark sighs and looks up at Donghyuck. “I came to apologise. You were right, there’s a time we should move on and I shouldn’t have called you- I shouldn’t have fought with you and - and said those things.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Donghyuck agrees steadily. It still stings, to remember the cruel way Mark had spit at him, how he’d called Donghyuck a coward for giving up on his dream, all while he was on the verge of collapsing for his, the skin pulled too tightly at his sallow cheeks, his dark circles dripping down his face, exhaustion screaming out from every inch, every nerve. “So why did you?”

He’s not going to make this easy for Mark, after all. It’s been two months of silence. Two months after _years_ of friendship, of fighting together for something they both wanted to achieve. And then two months of silence.

“I was afraid,” Mark admits slowly. “You were leaving, and nothing was happening at the company and I was afraid.”

“So was I,” Donghyuck says gently, folding. Because, oh does he know. He can still taste it, at the back of his tongue, like overly bitter coffee that won’t fade. Taste the fear, the uncertainty, the unpredictability of waking up every morning, knowing there was a good chance he might be asked to leave. “I was terrified of leaving because there was a good chance that was the last shot I’d ever have at becoming a singer, but Mark - it wasn’t going to happen there. Not in that place.”

“I know.” Mark looks down. “I quit. Last week.”

“You _what_?”

Mark glances up at him, a tiny smile playing about his lips when he registers Donghyuck’s surprise. “Why do you look so shocked?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d ever quit,” Donghyuck says, stunned. “You don’t do that, _you_ don’t quit.”

Mark’s smile grows a little bigger, a little sadder, and suddenly Donghyuck wants to burn that place down for making them both believe in a dream so big and so large that it hurt so much when it didn’t come true. “Yeah well,” he sighs, playing with the loose threads on the edge of Donghyuck’s blanket. “You were right, it wasn’t going to happen there.”

"So what are you going to do now?"

Mark's smile suddenly gets more sincere. "Well," he says slowly. "You're not giving up, clearly." He gestures at the laptop and Donghyuck ducks his head.

"They're no good, I'm not any good."

"But I am," Mark offers with that faint glint in his eye, that muted cockiness that used to make Donghyuck want to punch him but also follow him off the edge of the Earth. "And I think, together, we could figure something out, couldn't we? If we worked our hardest? Make something of ourselves?"

"Do you?" Donghyuck asks. "You have that much belief in us?"

Mark shrugs. "Well, if we don't believe in ourselves, who will?”

**Four Years and Nine Months Ago**

“Hey handsome, come here often?”

Jaemin swings around with a frown on his face, tugging his hoodie up as he goes, because it would never do well to be recognised as a trainee coming out of his company. His hands fall away from his head when he sees who’s standing there.

Donghyuck’s leaning against the bus stand outside Jaemin’s company building, his hands pushed into a pale blue coat, a pretty smile curled about his lips.

“Only when pretty things like you show up,” Jaemin responds, matching his tone, turning in his step and walking over to Donghyuck, his hand coming up to take Donghyuck’s.

“You flirt,” Donghyuck accuses and Jaemin smiles, already leaning in.

“Only for you.”

The kiss is short, pressed against the high curve of Donghyuck’s cheek, and Jaemin pulls away after a handful of seconds to gaze into Donghyuck’s eyes. He doesn’t think about whether he should regret it, not when Donghyuck looks so pretty right then.

“Food?” Donghyuck offers, tangling their fingers together.

“Starving,” Jaemin agrees and they fall into step, the spring wind flapping at their coats.

They end up in a cozy little restaurant that’s hidden behind several small alleyways, just in time as a sprinkle of rain starts spattering against the glass stained windows.

“You wouldn’t happen to know why Mark suddenly started talking to me again, do you?” Donghyuck asks him over a steaming bowl of kimchi jiggae.

Jaemin’s smile is sweetly secretive. “Maybe he had a change of heart?”

Donghyuck glances knowingly at him. “Thank you for talking to him.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Jaemin insists, his smile nearly vanishing in the steam rising from his bowl. “But you’re welcome.”

"How's training going?" Donghyuck asks because it's been all about him, him, him for the last month, and he knows Jaemin doesn't mind it but Donghyuck doesn't ever want to make Jaemin feel like he has to hide things from him.

Jaemin shrugs. "Pretty good, they're making noises about debuting me next year maybe."

Donghyuck sits up, dropping his spoon and splattering his shirt with red soup. He ignores Jaemin's hiss and grabs his hand, eyes wide. "Jaemin! That's amazing!"

"Nothing's set in stone right now," Jaemin says, but there's a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth and his hand flips over to interlace fingers with Donghyuck.

"That's still amazing," Donghyuck insists. "Oh my god, Jaemin, you've been working so hard for this for two _years_ , that's so amazing. I'm _so_ proud of you."

"Thank you," Jaemin says, his smile going fonder. "You're so cute."

" _You're_ talented," Donghyuck says firmly, not letting Jaemin direct the attention away from himself. "I can't believe I'm going to know the most famous rookie actor in a year."

"Oh, shush." Jaemin bats a hand at him, but his cheeks are pink. "Eat your soup before you spill it all over yourself."

Donghyuck smiles at him and tightens his grip on Jaemin's hand for a second before letting go.

Jaemin insists on walking Donghyuck back to his apartment when they leave, even though the sun is still out.

"You know we live like ten minutes away from each other," Donghyuck tells him as Jaemin locks their arms together and determinedly frogmarches them up the steep hill to Donghyuck's apartment. "I think I can make it ten minutes without your supervision."

"You really can't," Jaemin tells him with a slight grin that widens when Donghyuck glowers at him. "Besides, I like walking and it's nicer with you."

Donghyuck doesn't know what to say to that, so he just looks down at his feet, flushing. He spies Jaemin's smile out of the corner of his eye.

"You know I'm really proud of you, don't you?" Donghyuck says as Jaemin deposits him gently at the foot of his apartment building.

"How could I forget with you telling me every ten minutes?" Jaemin asks fondly.

"And I'll _keep_ telling you," Donghyuck says, catching Jaemin's hand in his own to stress his point. "You're amazing, Min-ah. You're going to _do_ amazing things."

It feels like a similar situation, like deja vu, like they've been in this position before, with their hands intertwined and Donghyuck looking up at Jaemin, except now the two of them are older, maybe not wiser, but certainly more settled in their skin.

It feels so simple then, when Jaemin steps closer, his eyes going intent and dark. When Donghyuck closes the distance between them. When Jaemin's free hand comes up to cup Donghyuck's chin, so gently it feels like a brush of a butterfly's wing, and tips his face up to kiss him.

It feels so easy. So simple to wrap his arms around Jaemin's neck and kiss him deeper and sweeter. So, so simple to feel the way Jaemin pulls him closer. So simple when they pull away from each other and a smile breaks out over Jaemin's face when he gazes at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck licks his lips and goosebumps break out over his skin when the taste comes back sweet.

They stare at each other for a while longer, the silence stretching out in between them, not uncomfortable, just quiet. Taking their time to drink each other in.

Then Donghyuck leans back in, going up on his tiptoes, because _fuck_ Jaemin for having one last growth spurt in their final year of school, and kisses him again, short and chaste.

"Good night, Jaemin," Donghyuck whispers, stepping away, drawing his coat in around him when the wind picks up around them.

Jaemin smiles. "Good night, Donghyuck. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Donghyuck shakes his head. "I'm working with Mark on a couple of songs and then I've got work. Day after?"

Jaemin nods before flapping his hands at Donghyuck. "Go in."

Donghyuck snorts but he obediently walks up the stairs and into his building and like rote, Jaemin waits until the door shuts before turning and heading back down the street.

Donghyuck watches until he turns the corner before heading up to his apartment, hardly aware of the exhaustion of the day weighing down his limbs because of the fluttering in his chest, his heart too light all of a sudden, threatening to break out of his ribs and fly away.

Despite Jaemin’s training ratcheting up, he still meets up with Donghyuck as much as possible. It’s good because Jaemin appreciates the opportunity to check over Donghyuck, to make sure he’s still eating, that he’s not working himself to death, that’s he’s not becoming swept up into Mark’s workaholic lifestyle. Donghyuck tells him it’s hard, that they get very few chances to audition for companies and most of those times, they don’t make it past the first round, but Jaemin sees the difference now, sees the way Donghyuck’s eyes brighten when he talks about music, when Mark starts babbling about the new song he’s playing around, sees the contentment that exudes in them despite not being where they wanted to be. It’s more than a little inspiring.

Jaemin himself is being shoved into more English lessons now as well and Donghyuck takes any opportunity to grill him on vocabulary, picking through the words in slow and distinct English, taking the cues he’d learned from Mark years ago when they were still in high school and still so naively excited about every little thing that happened to them.

A spoon raps Jaemin on the head and he whines, putting his hands up to cover his head and lets his forehead thunk down on the rickety table. They’re in one of those roadside stalls tonight, warding off the sudden spring chill with soondae and soju and Jaemin is absolutely not in the mood to study. The spoon thunks down on his head again. Clearly Donghyuck disagrees.

“Answer me,” Donghyuck insists. “What is ‘I am very grateful for this opportunity’ in English?”

“I already said it,” Jaemin protests, sitting up.

“You missed a word,” Donghyuck snaps back without much rancor. “Say it again.”

“Why isn’t Mark here?” Jaemin asks sullenly, picking at his food instead of giving in. “He actually _speaks_ the language. How do I know _you’re_ saying it right?”

Donghyuck looks deadpan at him before holding up his phone, open to a language app, and shows him the phrase. “Say it.”

“You know I don’t mind if you invite him right?” Jaemin asks, by-stepping the order entirely.

Donghyuck sighs and puts down the app. “Don’t lie, you’re horribly possessive and you like having me all to yourself.” Something warm and hard shoots through Jaemin at that and he can’t keep the smile off his face, which Donghyuck clearly notices as he rolls his eyes before continuing. “Besides, he’s busy, I’m _pretty_ sure he has a date but he won’t tell me anything and short of stalking him, I won’t find out.”

“Which you have no qualms about doing,” Jaemin states.

Donghyuck shrugs. “If the need should arise,” he says nonchalantly before picking up his spoon and whacking Jaemin with it again, so fast that Jaemin doesn’t even see it coming. “Now,” Donghyuck says pleasantly, holding the spoon in front of Jaemin’s nose while he groans and clutches his head. “Tell me the phrase or I’m shoving a chopstick up your ass next.”

“Kinky,” Jaemin mutters, but before Donghyuck can follow through on his promise, he quickly spits out the phrase, stumbling over ‘opportunity’ in his accent, but Donghyuck seems to be satisfied with it and puts the spoon down with a faint smile.

“Good job.”

“You’re a terrible person,” Jaemin informs him and Donghyuck shoots him a brilliant smile.

“Who you decided to date, baby.”

**Four Years and Four Months Ago**

Jaemin doesn’t ever tell Donghyuck this, because for one, he’s pretty sure Donghyuck already knows, and two, Donghyuck would make so much fun of him for it, but Jaemin’s known for a very long time that he wanted to kiss Donghyuck and _only_ Donghyuck. Truthfully, he could have traced it back to the first day they’d met, when Donghyuck had looked up at him through dark-circled eyes wrapping over his face like a bruised tattoo, when he’d snarked back at Jaemin, fingers clenching the thin metal rod of his spoon as if it was the only thing tethering him to reality, to consciousness; when all of that had faded to reveal a sad veneer below and Jaemin had looked at him then and thought, _oh_ , and something had fallen into place, like puzzle pieces sliding into their preconceived places, fitting together perfectly.

It's silly and sappy, and if Jaemin had seen it in a drama, he would have rolled his eyes at it. But now, in reality, Jaemin can't help but think that this... Him and Donghyuck - they were destined. There's no other word for it - for the way that Donghyuck makes him feel, for the way that kissing him lights up Jaemin from the inside out, for the simple warm flame of happiness that flickers to life whenever he sees Donghyuck's face.

And as Jaemin looks down to see Donghyuck tipping his head down onto his shoulder, a sigh escaping his full lips as the bus trundles downtown, the city lights flashing their myriad of colours over his face, he knows, with a solid certainty that sits low and definite in his gut, that Donghyuck feels the same.

"Wake up," Jaemin murmurs when the bus slows down to their stop. "We're here, sleepy head."

Donghyuck's eyes flicker open, no trace of sleep behind them, and Jaemin knows he was merely resting - not yet exhausted enough to fall asleep on a bus, and that is enough to make the faint whorl of worry fade.

"And where is here?" Donghyuck says around a yawn as he follows Jaemin off the bus, dipping his head to the bus driver.

"I was craving soup," Jaemin confesses and Donghyuck smiles up at him.

"You have the tastes of a baby," he teases, pinching Jaemin's cheek gently between his fingers.

"Your baby," Jaemin says, leaning forward, smiling.

"My baby," Donghyuck agrees, his hand sliding down the length of Jaemin's body before interlacing their fingers and walking up to the front door of the restaurant. They're well into spring, about to tip into summer, and there's no excuse for Jaemin to be craving soup as badly as he is right now, but the restaurant is tiny - only fit to hold about twenty people - and cozy looking, golden fairy lights strung up all along the walls, candles glimmering on their perches.

"So what's the special occasion?" Donghyuck asks when they sit down, looking up at Jaemin through his lashes, that curve to his mouth that lets Jaemin know he's about to be teased. "Are you going to tell me you're about to debut and become the world's best actor?"

"Nothing like that," Jaemin laughs. "I just wanted to have a nice meal with you. It's been nearly two weeks since we last saw each other."

Donghyuck's smile turns a little more apologetic and he stirs the straw around in his water, the ice cubes clinking together, a quiet melody for the apology that follows. "I know, I'm sorry," he says. "We're both busy and I know I should have been making time for you but we had an audition-"

"Donghyuck, I know," Jaemin cuts across before Donghyuck can talk himself into another guilt-ridden ramble. "Hey," he leans over and catches Donghyuck's hand, trying to look into his eyes. "Baby, you don't have to apologise, that's not what I was trying to make you do. I know you and Mark are really busy and I know you're working really hard. You don't have to be sorry for that."

Donghyuck's lower lip pushes out, obstinate. "You're busy too and I still keep making it all about me."

Jaemin rolls his eyes. "It's called having a conversation. But you wanna talk about me? We can do that. Today I had class where I got yelled at because I can't convey emotions in the way that my robot teacher wants me to, and yesterday I had a mock audition where I got yelled at because I forgot one line and the day _before_ that I had work where I surprisingly didn't get yelled at because my boss isn't a crazy person and actually a decent human being who takes my feelings into consideration and _last_ week-"

"I get it," Donghyuck cuts him off, laughing. "You texted me all of this before."

"Exactly," Jaemin says, watching him with a faint smile. "So stop feeling guilty about wanting to talk about your problems. This is a relationship, you know. I want to hear about your day."

Donghyuck sighs. "I would totally kiss you right now if that ahjumma wasn't glaring at us and holding our food hostage."

"It's okay." Jaemin shrugs. "I'll just put it on your tab."

"You have a kissing tab for me?" Donghyuck asks with a raised brow.

"Mhmm," Jaemin hums, straightening as the ahjumma thunks their bowls down on the table and walks away without a word. "Your interest is high too, so you better get on that."

"You're disgustingly cheesy, Na Jaemin."

"You love it, Lee Donghyuck."

They take their familiar trek up to Donghyuck's apartment nestled at the top of the steep hill, and Jaemin has to try very hard to hide the slight panting that escapes him when they finally reach the top.

But when Jaemin makes to walk back, pressing a final kiss to the plush curve of Donghyuck's cheek, Donghyuck wraps his hands around the edges of Jaemin's coat and tugs him into him. "Wait."

"What?" Jaemin asks, tipping his head. "What's-"

"Stay the night," Donghyuck whispers, the words puffing out into a single, invisible breath and vanishing in between them, expanding until there's nothing left.

Jaemin stares down at him, at his big eyes, his fluffy hair, his parted lips, and finds, all of a sudden, that he can't breathe. "Are- are you sure?" He asks quietly.

They've known each other for nearly three years, have been properly dating for five months, and Jaemin's been partly in love with Donghyuck for most of the time that he's _known_ him but he'd never imagined, never let himself think about the possibility of _this._

Donghyuck steps closer, the gap between them vanishing into a wisp of air. "I'm sure," he says quietly.

Donghyuck's apartment is dark and quiet when he opens the door, the keypad chiming a little too loudly in the silence.

"I remember the day you moved in here," Jaemin says with a quiet laugh. He hasn't been here much in the last few months, and the change is startling. When Donghyuck had first moved in, the apartment had been all pale walls and starkness, no warmth to it whatsoever. But now, he can see the little pieces of Donghyuck strewn all over: the rumpled bed sheets because Donghyuck hates making his bed, the ramen packets spilling out of the cupboard onto the kitchenette counter, his clothes all carefully hung to the side, the coat Jaemin had bought him, draped over the back of a chair. It's so very Donghyuck, and Jaemin can't help but smile at it.

Donghyuck's watching him when he turns around, a faint smile on his face. "I do too," he says quietly. "It feels like it's been forever but it's only been a few months, hasn't it?"

"The same could be said for us," Jaemin points out and Donghyuck huffs, an aborted laugh.

"No, we actually _have_ known each other forever," he refutes softly, his wry smile spreading wider when Jaemin steps towards him, deliberately and slowly, making his intentions known. "The difference is that we only just realised what was in front of us all along."

Jaemin's hands come up to cup Donghyuck's cheeks. He loves Donghyuck's cheeks, they're always so soft and plush to the touch, always curving up to Jaemin, molding to his hands. "And what was that?" He whispers, bending his head so that he can be heard.

The air goes still around them and Jaemin's sure his heartbeat can be heard with the way it's pounding against his chest.

Donghyuck blinks once, slow and measured, a silent deliberation. "What's that you always say?" He asks, stretching up, their lips nearly brushing, his tone just as coy, just as tempting. "Something about us and destiny?"

And he kisses him.

Jaemin's kissed Donghyuck a hundred thousand times in a hundred thousand ways; has left pecks all over his face until he laughed and pushed him away, has kissed him sweet and chastely before they part to rush back into their busy lives, has pushed him against the wall of a dark alley on the way home and kissed him deep and dirty, tongue licking into his mouth until Donghyuck had groaned, too loud to be subtle, his fingers clenching in Jaemin's hair.

He's kissed Donghyuck so many times, but every single time, it feels like he can't get enough.

Donghyuck's hands are cold when they sneak up Jaemin's shirt, and Jaemin gasps, the laugh stuttering out of him the next second too loud in the quiet of the apartment. Donghyuck snorts and nudges him toward the bed, pushing him down on it and straddling him, leaning down to kiss him again. It doesn't feel like this is something they've been building to - like everything in the last five months has led to this moment in the dark, wrapped up in each other - but it feels natural, like this is a stop along the highway, like, if nothing else was meant to happen, _this_ was.

"Hyuckie," Jaemin murmurs and Donghyuck, without needing to hear anything else, sits up to pull off his shirt. It's terribly cheesy, but Jaemin feels all the air in his lungs escape him when he gazes up at Donghyuck. There's only one lamp on in the room, the moonlight pouring through the window and Donghyuck is bathed in gold and silver all at the same time, his eyes golden and dark as he looks at Jaemin.

Jaemin's fingers run tentatively up Donghyuck's side, brushing over the expanse of his chest, smiling when Donghyuck shivers, goosebumps breaking out behind Jaemin's touch, like tiny fireworks bursting from his fingertips.

"You too," Donghyuck whispers and Jaemin sits up as well, his face close to Donghyuck as Donghyuck runs his hands over the top of Jaemin's shirt and one by one, with steady fingers, slips the buttons open. Jaemin doesn’t look away from his face, and he can see every hitch in Donghyuck’s breath, feel the way his fingers brush against Jaemin’s chest before sliding the shirt completely off his shoulders.

It feels like the whole world around them is holding its breath, no noise from the outside filtering into their quiet bubble that encompasses just the two of them. Just them.

Jaemin's breathing starts out steady. Well, as steady as it can be when he has a fully naked Donghyuck underneath him, his lips bitten plum red and his pupils blown wide from the feeling of Jaemin in between his legs.

Jaemin feels like his heart is about to leap out of his chest when he presses slick fingers inside Donghyuck, watching as Donghyuck’s lips part, a tiny noise escaping him. It feels so easy then, to just lean down and kiss the warm inside of Donghyuck’s thighs, the curve of his hipbones.

He's trying so hard to go slowly because the absolute last thing he wants is to hurt Donghyuck, but it's so hard when he looks down at Donghyuck. Because Donghyuck is so fucking beautiful and he keeps staring at Jaemin like he's the only person in the world.

It's a heady feeling.

He manages to keep breathing when he pushes Donghyuck's legs open, when he leans in to kiss him, when he breathes in Donghyuck and his comforting scent.

Donghyuck doesn't stop touching him the whole time. His hands roam over every part of Jaemin he can touch, smoothing over his spine, raking through his hair, nails digging into his shoulders when Jaemin's fingers twitch to that spot, making his hips arch up and his eyelids flutter shut for half a second before he opens them to keep staring at Jaemin.

Then, all at once, all over again, Jaemin's breath gets knocked out of his lungs when he pushes into Donghyuck, the feeling of Donghyuck around him making him gasp, fingers clenching in the cheap sheets Donghyuck had bought on sale, patterned with swirls of lilac against cream bedding.

They don't speak at all. It feels almost like cheating to exchange words in this atmosphere, when Jaemin leans down to press their mouths together and they breathe each other in, panting softly as they adjust. Donghyuck's hand unclenches from Jaemin's arm and slowly, he leans up to kiss him. His mouth is hot and wet and Jaemin wants to drown in it. Wants to drown in _him_.

He settles for buying his face in Donghyuck's shoulder as he experimentally rolls his hips, and the gasp that Donghyuck lets out, right next to his ear, is more than gratifying and sends sparks all down his spine. So he does it again and again and again until he can't take it anymore and loses control entirely, slamming into Donghyuck hard.

"Fuck," Donghyuck whines, clenching up around Jaemin, the first word either of them have said since they started, and that's what breaks the dam between them. Jaemin moans against his skin, pressing messy kisses to his golden, sweat slicked throat, and keeps fucking into him, breathing going ragged and desperate. Far too loud.

"Jaemin, Jaemin, Min-ah," Donghyuck chants, his nails dragging across Jaemin's skin in a way that feels maddeningly good, and Jaemin shudders picking up his pace as much as he can. He feels like he's going insane. His whole world right now is Donghyuck, can feel only his soft skin against him, can hear only his pants, half bitten off moans that twist too high, nearing to a sob when Jaemin manages to find the strength to wrap a hand around his dripping cock.

"You're so pretty. My sun," Jaemin murmurs, along with another half dozen whispers, all nonsense he's sure, but Donghyuck encourages it, rolling his hips up to meet his thrusts, his whines growing louder and louder before cutting off into one nearly silent gasp as he comes between them.

The world blurs around Jaemin and he doesn't note anything else that happens until he's coming as well, fingers clenching at Donghyuck's hip bones, his teeth sinking into the curve of Donghyuck's collarbone, muffling his cry there.

Later, they lay there together, sleepy but yet somehow not tired enough to drift off, entangled up in each other. Donghyuck's head is on Jaemin's outstretched arm as he absentmindedly trails his his hand up and down Jaemin's chest, tracing patterns into the skin, and kissing his neck sweetly whenever he feels like it.

Jaemin gazes down at him and wonders how his heart can hold this much love for someone without bursting. Wonders how he's lucky enough to have this. To have Donghyuck.

"You and me," Jaemin whispers without thinking about it, and Donghyuck's gaze flicks up to him, his hands stilling on Jaemin's bare abdomen.

"Hmm?"

Jaemin rolls closer, hand coming up to cup Donghyuck's cheek and kisses him softly before meeting his gaze. "If I ever chose to believe in anything besides destiny, sun, it's this. It's us. You and me, we're forever."

The tiny quirk of Donghyuck's lips sends Jaemin's heart soaring. "Forever," Donghyuck agrees and kisses him.

Jaemin can taste his smile.

**Present**

"Don't look so worried, Donghyuck-ssi," Seulgi says with a faint smile as she places her phone on the table between them, the voice memo app open. "It's just going to be a conversation, feel free to talk comfortably."

"A conversation that's going to be recorded," Donghyuck mumbles without thinking, and then casts a panicked look up at Seulgi who only laughs, brushing her hair out of her eyes with a practiced flick.

"Yes, well, I can't be expected to remember everything," she says warmly. "It's just an interview, but you can pretend I'm your friend, if that makes things easier. Just pretend the recorder isn't there."

"I'll do my best," Donghyuck says, trying for a smile that he hopes doesn't come across as a grimace, and wipes his sweaty palms against his jeans for the twentieth time since he sat down at the table.

Donghyuck's been terrified of this moment ever since Ten had mentioned that Dazed wanted to interview him about his song. He doesn't do well in interviews, doesn't do well one-on-one in general for the most part. The few times they'd gotten far enough in the audition process to meet with directors or the CEO's, it had been all down to Mark's awkwardly boyish charm that seems to make every human being fall for him. Donghyuck knows he's too blunt, too sarcastic in a way that's not all that personable, knows he can come across as too sharp. And the general public isn't a fan of any of those characteristics.

Seulgi clears her throat, jerking him out of his daze, and clicks start on the recording, looking up at Donghyuck with a pleasant smile. "So, Donghyuck-ssi, this is your first interview and photo shoot with Dazed Magazine, how did you feel?"

Donghyuck clears his throat, taking a moment to himself before answering, "It was so much fun," he says with a bright smile which Seulgi seems to take to favourably. "I've done very few photo shoots in my life and this was so different from the ones I've done in the past. I was really nervous about messing up, however, the photographer - Oh Dongwoo-ssi - really helped me out and he took amazing pictures..."

The rest of the interview proceeds in a similar fashion with Seulgi asking him easy questions that Donghyuck either has practiced the answers to - having locked himself up with Ten for a whole afternoon, with Ten lobbing questions at him nonstop while Donghyuck had tried not to sound too acerbic - or can easily bullshit his way out of. Until-

"So, obviously, we have to address the reason behind your sudden and immense popularity," Seulgi says, tapping her pen against her notepad. "Your song, ' _Untitled'_ was released months ago but a few weeks ago it suddenly rose to the top of the charts after a drama used it instead of an OST. How did _that_ come to be?"

Donghyuck coughs. "Oh, well, I actually didn't know that it was going to be on the drama until I saw the articles the next day. My manager explained that for some reason, the OST that was supposed to air was postponed due to some recording issues and one of the PD's who worked on the show had heard my song a few days before and chose to contact my agency. So it was really nothing to do with me, it was just pure luck and a lot of good fortune."

"But you wrote that song, did you not?" Seulgi persists. "And all the songs on _You_."

"Ah." Donghyuck rubs the back of his head, trying to calm the flush that's working its way up the high collared shirt he'd been poured into for the shoot. "That's right - yes. Me and my friend, Mark Lee, we co-wrote and co-composed all the songs on that album, but um- _Untitled_ was actually the only song I'd written by myself. It's funny how that's the one that people took notice of."

“A testament to your talent then,” Seulgi says cordially and Donghyuck laughs, calming at the compliment. He relaxes then, thinking this was going to be it, that he was going to make it out of this interview alive and that he hasn’t messed up too badly, that Ten _won’t_ show up at his door the next morning, ready to eviscerate him. But then, Seulgi leans in, a conspiratol gleam in her eyes. “Then I think the question we’re _all_ wondering, possibly the whole country at this point, is _who_ is the song about?”

Donghyuck should have been prepared for this question. Ten had warned him it would show up, and they had drilled it, but the moment his brain registers the words from Seulgi’s mouth, his brain goes blank. “I-” he stutters, tripping over his words. Involuntarily, out of nowhere, Jaemin’s image flashes in his mind and he flinches. “It was um- not-” he coughs, and nearly lunges for the water sitting on the table. Seulgi is watching him, an unimpressed look crossing her angular face, and Donghyuck winces behind his bottle. He gulps down half the bottle before setting it down on the table slowly, trying to gather his thoughts. “It- it wasn’t really about any _one_ person, per se. It was just a collection of experiences and thoughts that had made me the person I was when I wrote that song.”

“But you were a trainee in quite a well-known company in school, were you not?” Seulgi presses. “Maybe someone there?”

A reel of memories play back to him then: him, Mark, and Jaemin sprawled alongside the Han River, messing up their hair, giggling too loudly to be polite and staining their school uniforms with grass. Jaemin looking down at him under the harsh fluorescent lights of the corner convenience store, his black hair puffed around his head from too many hours awake, his hand gently cradling the curve of Donghyuck’s jaw. Jaemin leaning down and pressing their foreheads together, telling him he’ll make it, promising him they both will, calling him _sun_ -

Donghyuck jerks away from the memories, suddenly feeling nauseous. His chest hurts, pulling too tight at the corners and he feels his eyes burn all of a sudden.

“Nope,” he blurts, injecting a forcefully cheerful tone into his voice. “Me and Mark, we both really wanted to debut, more than anything else. That didn’t really leave much room for other things.”

Seulgi hums, marking a tiny note at the corner of her notepad and Donghyuck knows that when this article goes out there’s going to be a very thinly veiled assumption that he and Mark had been - and possibly still were - fucking throughout their trainee years. He can’t really bring himself to care though. Better people believe in a fake relationship with Mark than to start looking for other targets that would match the timeline making up Donghyuck’s life.

“Well,” Seulgi says looking up at him finally, laying her pen and notepad face down on the table. “Thank you so much for talking with me Donghyuck-ssi, it was a pleasure.”

Donghyuck bows deeply at her and begs the gods of journalism to work their magic and somehow lose the recording now forever embedded on Seulgi’s phone. “Thank you for interviewing me,” he says, pleased when his voice comes out steady. “I had a great time.”

**Four Years Ago**

Jaemin is told about his debut on the most unassuming of days. It's a little cloudy outside, the dark skies threatening a summer storm, and from his view in the building, he can see a newspaper outside fly into a bus stand and stick to an advertisement of some actresses's face. Inside the building, the conference room is quiet but busy. Jaemin had been relegated to the end seat and been told to wait as staff rushed in and out, carrying cups of steaming coffee, one of which was set down in front of him, surprisingly.

Jaemin doesn't think about what he's there for. It'll just serve to heighten his anxiety, and besides, in about ten minutes, he'll know anyway. Whether he's done badly enough to merit expulsion or.... The alternative. So, instead of wracking his brain about any of these things, Jaemin simply sits up straight, takes a grateful sip of the coffee - fantastic, if a little too hot - and closes his eyes for a second, stabilizing himself.

When the director finally comes to sit down on the other end of the table, Jaemin's heart kicks into high gear.

"Na Jaemin."

"Yes, sir," Jaemin responds, carefully placing his cup back on the table, and then burying his hands in his lap so that no one sees them trembling.

The director smiles. "Congratulations, Jaemin, your last audition went very well. The director loved you. You start filming in two weeks."

Jaemin opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. He can't breathe. He feels like he can breathe properly for the first time in years. "I'm debuting?" It's said in a tiny whisper, and Jaemin flushes, about to repeat it louder, but the director's smile goes warmer, in a way Jaemin had never seen it go before.

"Yes. You are."

Later, Jaemin exits the company, a handful of folders and notes about the part and his schedule for the next three months for pre-production clutched in his hand. It's still cloudy outside and the sidewalk is wet from the rain that had just passed by, and despite the bus bench being damp, Jaemin sinks down onto it, and sucks in a desperate breath. He's debuting. Finally. Three years. Suddenly three years of breaking his back for a dream that never seemed like it would come true was worth it.

Jaemin closes his eyes.

Debuting.

He fumbles for his phone in his coat, and without looking, presses on the contact. There's three rings and then a click.

Jaemin smiles for the first time that day. "Hey, Hyuck. Guess what?"

**Three Years and Nine Months Ago**

Jaemin barely has time to fully open the door before Donghyuck flings his way into his apartment, several bags brimming with snacks clutched in his hand, and a patiently amused Mark on his heels.

"This is amazing, I can't wait," Donghyuck chatters, brushing straight past Jaemin into his kitchen. "Oh my god, my baby's first drama can you believe-"

"Calm down, Hyuck," Jaemin laughs, taking some of the bags out of Mark's hand. "How many snacks did he buy?"

Mark shrugs. "I tried to stop him, it was impossible."

Jaemin follows Donghyuck into the kitchen and barely has time to set the bags down before Donghyuck's flinging himself at him, wrapping his arms around Jaemin's neck and hugging him tightly.

"Oh my god," Jaemin groans as Donghyuck squeezes him tightly. "Hyuck." He just manages to wrap his arms around Donghyuck's waist, hugging back.

"I'm so proud of you," Donghyuck mumbles, his face squished somewhere in the vicinity of Jaemin's throat. "You worked so hard and now your drama is about to air, and I'm just so, _so_ proud of you."

"Thank you," Jaemin says softly and barely manages to extricate himself so that he can look down at Donghyuck's face. "You're the best, you know that?"

Donghyuck sniffs and leans up to peck his lips before drawing back. "Tonight isn't about me," he tells him crossly. "It's about you."

"And I would be nowhere if it wasn't for you," Jaemin tells him as he cups Donghyuck's cheek and kisses him longer and sweeter, reveling in the way Donghyuck melts into his touch, eyelids fluttering shut and a soft noise escaping him that Jaemin swallows up.

"Um. Guys," Mark calls from around the corner. "I think Jaemin's show is about to start."

Donghyuck wrenches himself away instantly and yanks Jaemin into the living room, flinging himself down on the floor and tugging the laptop screen closer so that they can all see it properly. All of sudden, Jaemin feels the nerves he's been repressing all day. The familiar jingle of the network comes on and Jaemin fumbles for Donghyuck's hand, suddenly unable to breathe.

Donghyuck interlaces their fingers together and presses a kiss to the back of Jaemin's hand. "You did it, baby," he whispers, softly, with a thousand unsaid words lingering behind it. "You made it."

Jaemin tightens his fingers around Donghyuck's and nods, heart in his throat as the first scene starts up.

He made it.

**Three Years and Seven Months Ago**

> On August 15th, Good Data Corp shared the weekly rankings of the most popular dramas and cast members. In a stunning win that shouldn't come as too surprising for the most invested of K-Drama fanatics, JTBC's _A Flower Named You_ took first place. The drama has been generating a lot of buzz in the last few weeks as the seasoned leads, Kim Yubin and Jang Haejin, have explosive chemistry and have been taking the show's rather unique take on a modern romance and elevating it to new levels.
> 
> However, one can argue that it is the secondary leads, newcomers Kim Yeri and Na Jaemin, that have taken over the screen. This is both of the rookie actors' first drama and the talent is undeniable as every time Kim and Na appear as old childhood rivals, they manage to take over the screen and the show.
> 
> We cannot wait to see the rest of the twists and turns of this drama, and also see where this newfound stardom will take these new actors.
> 
> What do you think, readers? Which actor has caught your eye this week? Leave your comments below!

Jaemin doesn't have time to read any of the comments below, however, because his phone gets snatched out of his hand by an irate Renjun. "I was trying to read that," Jaemin protests as Renjun glowers at him.

"Read later. First, get out of the car, we're here."

Jaemin looks out of the window for the first time to see a nondescript building. "Oh yeah, the photo shoot."

" _'Oh yeah,'_ " Renjun mocks, getting out of the car and opening the side door for Jaemin. "God, you'd lose your head if it wasn't constantly bent down towards your phone."

"Are you allowed to be this mean to me?" Jaemin wonders, grabbing some of his bags before Renjun can thrust them at him, lecturing him about _Why doesn't he help if he has all this muscle?_ "I'm pretty sure there's a rule against this kind of verbal abuse."

Renjun snorts and starts to lead the way into the building. "You're lucky to have me, idiot. I'm the nicest manager you could have ever ended up with."

Unfortunately, Jaemin knows that's true. He'd gone through two different managers in the span of a week when he'd first started filming for the drama, terrified to say anything against them in the fear that he would be kicked off the drama and sent back home. And neither manager had known what to do with him, exasperated at Jaemin's muteness and silent nods at every order. Finally, the company had thrust Renjun at him, probably in the hope that a same-age friend would help him loosen up because as Renjun had first put it when he'd met Jaemin: "A mute actor is a terrible actor. Stop acting like a squirrel and actually talk to me, okay? Or I'll kick your ass."'

Now, Jaemin wonders if he'd really just be better off with one of the scary managers who had pointy red nails and matching lipstick and who had glared at him every single time he was more than a minute late.

"Lucky is one way to put it," Jaemin mutters and then grins as Renjun swivels to glare at him. "Oh look, photo shoot time!" He brushes past Renjun, bowing to the photographer and director, a wide smile fixed onto his face.

"Keep talking and you'll definitely be _lucky_ ," Renjun mutters behind him and Jaemin grins.

The photo shoot ends at five pm and Jaemin's absolutely starving.

"Food," he demands at Renjun who rolls his eyes and starts the car.

"God, you're like a child," he says, tossing Jaemin's phone back at him. "Stare at that while I figure out the nearest hot pot place."

"What if I'm not feeling like hot pot?" Jaemin teases and Renjun doesn't even look at him as he turns on his music.

"Then you can walk home."

Jaemin sticks his tongue out at him before turning on his phone. There's a thousand Instagram notifications - he _needs_ to remember to turn those off soon or his phone is just going to quit on him in a fit of rage - and underneath, several texts from his family and a missed call and a text from Donghyuck.

Jaemin calls Donghyuck first.

"Hey baby," he says brightly, ignoring Renjun's side eye as he kicks his legs up on the dashboard. "What's up?"

"Hey," Donghyuck's voice filters in. He sounds exhausted and Jaemin frowns. “Sorry, I forgot you had a shoot today, how’d it go?”

"Forget about that, are you okay?" Jaemin asks, sitting up straight in his seat. "You sound... off."

"Just tired," Donghyuck says around a yawn. "Um, me and Mark spent all night in the studio and then I had to go to work."

"Do you want me to come visit you?" Jaemin asks and Renjun purses his lips at him. Jaemin ignores him. "I'm nearly done with my schedules for the day."

There's a beat of silence and Jaemin can hear the shaky breath Donghyuck takes. "You don't have to," Donghyuck starts quietly and Jaemin shakes his head, even though he knows Donghyuck can't see it.

"Don't even start," he says. "I'll be there in about forty-five minutes, okay? Are you at home?"

"On my way," Donghyuck says, with another yawn. "I'm on the bus."

"I'll see you then," Jaemin says quietly. "Don't fall asleep on the bus and go all the way to the end of the line again, okay?"

"That happened one time," Donghyuck grouses, but he sounds marginally more alive so Jaemin takes it.

"What?" He asks Renjun when he hangs up. "Why do you keep staring at me?"

"I can't believe your boyfriend calls and you're dropping me for dinner, just like that," Renjun scoffs and Jaemin rolls his eyes. "But also, Jaemin," Renjun continues, his voice more serious. "You know you're a rookie actor now, and it's not going to be easy to maintain relationships outside of work. Especially romantic ones."

Jaemin frowns. "What do you mean? I've been handling it fine so far."

"Yeah, so far," Renjun agrees, pulling off the highway. "But your popularity - and savour this because this is the _only_ time I'll say it - is starting to soar and you're starting to get noticed. And that means more work and more restrictions. And the company's not going to like that you have a boyfriend, and I'm not sure your boyfriend will not like being kept a secret either."

"Donghyuck would never," Jaemin says. He knows Donghyuck would support him in everything, that's what they do for each other. No matter how hard it gets. They've been there for each other from the start.

Renjun shrugs. "Maybe he won't, I don't know him. I'm just saying, be careful. Because it's about to get a lot harder and you can't run to his side every single time you want to."

"But I can _now_ ," Jaemin points out. "He's my best friend, Renjun, not just my boyfriend. He means more to me than some job will."

"I'm sure you think that," Renjun agrees and before Jaemin can snap at him for that, he turns the corner to Donghyuck's neighbourhood and turns off the car, turning to look at Jaemin fully. "But when it comes down to it: when you have to choose between your dream and your friend, what will you choose?"

 _There's no difference_ , Jaemin thinks. _He is my dream_. "I won't have to," is all he says instead, grabbing his backpack for the last seat. "Thanks for the ride, Injun-ah."

Renjun's knowing gaze follows him long after Jaemin's turned his back to make the trek up Donghyuck's hill.

It turns out, no matter how much Jaemin wanted Renjun to be wrong, he isn't.

As the weeks wear on and the drama comes to an end, Jaemin's schedule ratchets up. He gets sent to more variety shows, and does more interviews, the answers for which he stumbles embarrassingly over more than a few times. And weirdly, more people take notice of him.

The first time Jaemin actually takes note of it is when he's on his way back to his apartment on the subway, head bent over his phone, furiously arguing with Donghyuck over text about what they should eat for dinner, when pointedly loud giggles catch his attention. He glances up and is surprised to see three high school girls staring at him, faces half hidden behind their books. They duck their heads, giggling louder when they see he's watching. Jaemin stares at them, bemused. He's no stranger to flirty looks - high school had been rather kind to him - but this seems to be on another level. He's not even dressed up.

One of the girls finally clears her throat and gets up, scurrying over to him when the train stops at a station.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah?" Jaemin asks, confused, locking his phone and sliding it into his pocket in case he’s about to get robbed.

"Are you Na Jaemin, the actor? In _A Flower Named You?_ " The girl asks with a high voice, her hands clutched tightly around the straps of her backpack.

"I am," Jaemin says, his voice ticking up into a question. He watches in abject confusion as the girl's face clears.

"Oh my god," she says, her mouth dropping and her eyes going wide. "Oh my god, me and my friends love you so much. You're _such_ a good actor and we watch your show every week and we're _such_ big fans."

"Oh," Jaemin says. "Oh- um - thank you." He bows his head at the two girls still avidly watching him. They both squeal when he does so and Jaemin's eyes widen, looking back up at the girl who's still standing in front of him. "Would you - um - would you like a picture?"

It turns out they would like several pictures and Jaemin's face flares a bright red when they all crowd around him in the subway car, taking several pictures on each of their phones before scurrying out at their stop, bowing furiously to Jaemin as they go.

Jaemin sinks back onto his seat, avoiding the stare of every other occupant in the car and stares down at his phone, cheeks warm.

Donghyuck laughs hard and loud when he tells him.

"It's not funny," Jaemin whines, letting his head fall into Donghyuck's lap. "Everyone was staring at me!"

"Oh, poor famous actor," Donghyuck coos down at him, fingers brushing away Jaemin's bangs. "Having to take pictures with his fans."

Jaemin pushes his lip out and Donghyuck laughs again, gazing fondly down at him.

"I can't believe I've become this popular," Jaemin mutters, because he really can't. He can't speak about this to Renjun because Renjun wouldn't be empathetic, and he hates rubbing it in Donghyuck's face but he knows Donghyuck wouldn't hate him for it.

"I do," Donghyuck tells him, true to form, a warm look in his eyes. "I knew you were going to be popular, I always told you. And look at you now, about to rule the world."

"Hardly," Jaemin mutters but he turns in Donghyuck's lap and throws his arm around Donghyuck's waist, pressing his face to his stomach. He's lost most of his excess fat these days, and Jaemin hates that he can feel the edges of Donghyuck's ribs through the shirt. He makes a mental note to forcibly feed Donghyuck fattening meat soon.

"My talented baby," Donghyuck hums, stroking Jaemin's hair. "Shining so bright."

"Because of you," Jaemin murmurs. "I couldn't have done without you, or Mark."

Donghyuck makes a noise of disagreement and leans down to press a kiss to his hair. Jaemin closes his eyes at the feeling, tightening his fingers into Donghyuck's skin, wishing that he wouldn't have to let go. This moment seems too fragile, too perfect, like delicate hand blown glass, and he doesn't want to brush past it. Doesn't want this memory to shatter away in the back of his mind. Not when he feels like this: so warm and happy in Donghyuck's arms. Not when he feels like he's at home.

"You did it on your own," Donghyuck says quietly. "Just don't forget me when you become one of the stars in the sky."

Something burns at the back of Jaemin's eyes and his throat grows tight. "I could never," he promises, and hugs Donghyuck tighter.

**Three Years and Five Months Ago**

When Jaemin meets Jeno, things slowly start to fall into place.

Jeno is another actor in Jaemin’s company who had debuted a few months earlier, having gotten most of his work before as a model, and the company starts putting them together bit by bit on projects because of some reasons for Jaemin’s image that he forgets promptly after they’re told to him. Jeno is a breath of fresh air in his stuffy, hectic schedule. He’s easy to work with and smiley and goes along with most of Jaemin’s antics with very little pushback.

Jaemin finally feels like he has a friend other than his mean manager.

“Well, this is new,” Jeno hums.

Jaemin looks up at him. “What? You mean you don’t spend your working days in your coworker’s lap?”

Jeno laughs and tips his neck further back for the next shot as the camera flashes.

“Amazing, just a couple more shots!” The photographer calls.

“I can’t believe so much of being an actor is just doing photoshoots,” Jaemin mutters. “I thought there’d be much more acting involved than I am currently doing right now.”

“Give it time,” Jeno advises, turning his body on Jaemin’s lap. “You just finished up a drama - a really popular one, by the way - and I’m sure all across the country, script writers are feverishly writing up their next role, envisioning you as the lead.”

Jaemin smacks him on the leg and Jeno lets out a low laugh, cocking his head down at Jaemin, a clear glint of amusement in his eyes.

Later, the interviewer pounces on Jaemin just as they’re about to take a break for lunch.

“Jaemin-ssi, could we have just a few more questions, just to pad out the interview?” The interviewer asks.

Jaemin eyes the cameraman behind him warily, the massive camera pointed at his face doing nothing to increase his confidence. He’d already finished his video earlier that day, but Renjun simply told him, “If it isn’t going to kill you or ruin your life, just say yes, and I’ll take care of it later.”

“Yes, of course,” Jaemin says brightly, sliding onto the tall stool indicated to him, and puts on his most pleasant face to the camera. There are a few basic questions at first, ones Jaemin knows hadn’t been asked to Jeno because he had been in the same room during that time, but the _real_ motivator of the surprise interview becomes clear on the fourth question.

“You’ve been working a lot with labelmate Lee Jeno,” the man says. “How does that feel?”

Jaemin doesn’t hesitate. “It’s been so much fun,” he says brightly. “Jeno is my senior and he teaches me a lot when we work together and we’ve become good friends.”

“Good friends so fast. Is there something special about your friendship?” The clearly leading tone sets Jaemin on edge, but he doesn’t let it show on his face. Any emotion but placid cheerfulness was considered too much emotion when speaking to the press.

“We’re _very_ good friends,” Jaemin says, trying not to grit his teeth, and before he can somehow start to spiral, his name gets called and he widens his eyes at the interviewer. “I’m so sorry, can we continue this later?” And without waiting for an answer, he rushes off.

**sun ☀**

saw your interview

**my baby**

which one?

**sun ☀**

‘which one’

ooo

so popular na-ssi

**my baby**

shut up

which one are you talking about

**sun ☀**

the one with jeno-ssi

you two look very cozy ><

**my baby**

oh that one

you know its all just for the magazine

right hyuck?

**sun ☀**

is “He’s my best friend, I don’t know what I’d do without him”

part of the magazine too?

**my baby**

???

what are you talking about

**sun ☀**

your quote in the article

it’s on the front page

‘Actors Lee and Na take the industry by storm’

insert cheesy quote from you

and Jeno-ssi sitting on your lap

**my baby**

are you really jealous over a pic

**sun ☀**

no…

a little bit

not really though

**my baby**

hyuck you know i love you the most right

**sun ☀**

i know

but

**my baby**

fuck ok i gotta go

directors calling

talk to u later hyuck

**sun ☀**

bye…

**Three Years and Three Months Ago**

Even the beeping of the lock pad seems too loud when Donghyuck slides into his apartment. It’s sometime past three in the morning and exhaustion weighs down every inch of his limbs. He pulls out his phone, glancing at the lack of notifications before dropping his backpack down on the floor and flopping down on his mattress.

Another failed audition. Another failed day.

He and Mark had spent most of the morning in the studio, cobbling together a track before rushing off to an audition and not even making it past the first round. Then Donghyuck had come all the way back to this side of town to finish up his shift at the store. His stomach grumbles loudly, demanding attention, but Donghyuck ignores it. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and he’s pretty sure there’s nothing in his fridge anyway.

His phone flares to life as he plugs it in, and without thinking, Donghyuck just types Jaemin’s name into the Naver search bar. It’s habit now; he started it as a way to send Jaemin all the articles about himself and feel a flare of pride every single time Jaemin was praised, because they both knew Jaemin wouldn’t read all of them. But now it seems more like an exercise in masochism as Donghyuck clicks on a video from a variety show that had aired just a couple of hours ago and watches Jaemin and his coworker, Jeno-ssi, sitting side by side on the couch, laughing over something.

“So, now, Jaemin-ssi,” the host says brightly. “I heard you’re pegged for a new drama, can you tell us anything about it?”

Donghyuck’s stomach drops.

On screen, Jaemin just laughs and ducks his head, and Donghyuck can see the twitch of his hand that means he wants to rub the back of his head but can't because of the hairspray. "Well," he says carefully. "I can't say much about it, I don't think, but the director - Lee Seojoon-nim - I was so surprised when he liked me enough at the audition. I didn't think I'd get the part, honestly. The drama has a really interesting plot and I can't wait to work on it."

The rest of the interview fades from Donghyuck's hearing. Jaemin didn't tell him about the drama. He tries to rationalise it - Jaemin was probably busy. They haven't seen each other in weeks and Donghyuck's just feeling sensitive because of his exhaustion. It's fine.

He lets the phone drop from his hand, pressing the power button and cutting off the laughter from the interview. The room falls into darkness without the bright light of the screen and Donghyuck lies there, on the verge of sleep, fighting off the heaviness in his chest that threatens tears.

It's all fine.

Donghyuck wrestles with calling Jaemin for three days and he hates it. He shouldn't feel so awkward about calling his own boyfriend, but he _does_. He doesn't want to intrude on Jaemin's work and doesn't want to become that needy, pathetic kind of person that needs their partner to function.

He finally bites the bullet during his lunch break at work and exits out the back alley, shedding the gross plastic vest he has to wear as he goes, dialing Jaemin's number.

"Hey, baby!" Jaemin calls brightly when he picks up. "I was just thinking about you."

Donghyuck feels a faint smile lift his lips. "Hey," he says quietly. "Are you busy?"

"Hmm." There's someone calling on the other end and then Jaemin says something muffled before the sound of the door closing sounds clearly and then silence falls, clear and quiet. "There we go," Jaemin says, relieved. "No, I'm not busy, we arrived early at a show and everything's in chaos - as usual."

"We?" Donghyuck asks, trying to inject lightness into his tone. He _hates_ that he's become this person but god, it had hurt in some stupidly twisted kind of way to see that magazine on the newspaper racks when he'd arrived to work that morning. To see Jaemin sprawled all over another person. He _knows_ it's for work. But...

Jealousy is a stupid, insidous little thing.

"Me and Jeno," Jaemin says. "It's really fun, you know? Working with him. He makes work easier, and it's not so bad doing all these shows when I have a friend."

There's a note of happiness in his voice, and suddenly Donghyuck feels awful about his jealousy. Even more so than he already did.

"I'm glad," he says quietly. "You deserve only the best things, Min-ah."

There's a beat of silence and then Jaemin's voice comes through, concerned. "Are you okay, Hyuck?"

"Yeah, of course I am." Donghyuck nudges the gravel with the tip of his shoe. The fabric at the top of his shoe is tearing and dirty and his laces are fraying. He doesn’t mention Jaemin not telling him about the drama. It wouldn’t do any good.

"You sound tired," Jaemin says cautiously and Donghyuck closes his eyes, feels like he could burst into tears right then and there. He doesn't. It wouldn't do him any good.

"I am," he admits. "But it's okay."

"Oh." Jaemin falls silent for a second and Donghyuck wonders at how they got to this point. Jaemin used to be his closest confidant - even closer than Mark at some point - and now it feels like pulling teeth to hold a proper conversation with him. "Can I- Hyuckie, can I do anything?"

Donghyuck laughs and then winces when it comes out too jagged. "Well, I would like to see you," he confesses. "But we both know that's not going to happen."

"What? Of course it is." Jaemin sounds confused and a little hurt. "Why would you say that?"

"I'm not accusing you, Min-ah," Donghyuck says, tiredly. "You're really busy and I'm not going to demand you come see me just cause I'm feeling like shit."

There's a cut off noise from the other end and Donghyuck waits. Then Jaemin takes a breath. "You can always ask me for anything, Donghyuck," he says quietly, so controlled that Donghyuck can almost imagine his face. "And that includes the literally _baseline_ need of wanting to _see_ your boyfriend."

"When?"

"What?"

"When?" Donghyuck asks and he feels like his throat is full of glass, slicing the words as they come up through his trachea, filling his mouth with blood. "In a week? A month? After three more interviews where you badly sidestep people insinuating you're dating Jeno?"

"That's not fair," Jaemin breathes and Donghyuck can really hear the hurt now. It's almost palpable. Cutting across his skin, sluicing down like painful raindrops.

"No, it's not," Donghyuck admits and a dry sob slips through his throat. "I know it's not, I'm sorry. I'm being shitty and unfair to you, and I'm sorry. I'm just so tired-"

"Sun, are you _crying_?" Jaemin sounds aghast and Donghyuck presses his fist into his mouth, forcing all the sounds to the back of his throat.

"No," he chokes out. "I'm sorry, Jaemin-ah. I didn't - _fuck_ \- I have to go, okay? My break is over. I'm sorry."

"Wait, _Hyuckie-"_

Donghyuck hangs up and shoves his phone into his pocket, sinking to his heels and pressing the backs of his palms into his eyes, as if he can force the tears that are already sliding down his face back, burning his dry skin as they go.

He hates this. He hates the position he's in, he hates who he's become. He _hates_ what he's doing to Jaemin.

He'd known it would be hard, doing this from scratch, starting all over again with less than a hair’s breadth of a chance to success. He'd known it all but... But Donghyuck always thought he was strong enough to handle it without breaking down like this.

A shuddering sob escapes him and it's like a dam breaks. Donghyuck leans against the door and cries and cries, letting all the hardships of the last year pile on him and then run out in a flood of tears, his shoulders shaking so hard it hurts.

He thought he would have been able to handle it. But he also thought he'd always have Jaemin at his side.

Mark narrows his eyes when Donghyuck meets up with him for dinner.

"What's wrong with your face?" Mark asks, leaning over the table.

"Thanks," Donghyuck says, but he scrubs at his cheeks nonetheless.

"Donghyuck," Mark says, narrowing his eyes further. "Did you cry?"

"No," Donghyuck says with an affronted huff. "My allergies are just acting up."

"You don't have allergies."

"I stubbed my toe?"

"Why didn't you say that first?"

"... Fuck you."

Mark grins for half a second, triumphant in his victory, before it fades into that concern that Donghyuck so hates to see on his face because Mark has an older brother complex despite being born in the same year, and nowhere does it burn brighter than when directed at Donghyuck. "Why were you crying?"

"Shit happens," Donghyuck shrugs, picking up a menu and propping it up, scowling when Mark peers over it, leaning over the table with his damnably large eyes.

"That's not an explanation."

"Oh my god, sit down," Donghyuck hisses, flapping his hands at him. "You look like a barn owl." Mark scrunches up his nose and Donghyuck sighs.

"Can we order first? I need food and possibly alcohol before I decide to start doing the vulnerability shit with you."

"Food we can do," Mark says generously. "But no alcohol, we're recording tomorrow."

Donghyuck's groan gets swallowed up by Mark's cheerfully bright tone, a touch louder than it should be, as he orders for the two of them.

When their food is more than halfway gone, Donghyuck finishes talking. He can't look Mark in the eye and takes a large gulp of water instead, staring down at the table.

"I didn't know it was that bad for you," Mark says quietly.

Donghyuck shrugs. "We're both going through shit. I didn't think it was worth mentioning."

"It is," Mark insists. "I mean the Jaemin stuff I can't help you with-"

"Oh my god, nor do I _want_ you to-"

"But, we can ease up on recording for a bit, if that helps," Mark cuts through easily.

Donghyuck shakes his head. "No."

"Donghyuck-"

"Listen, Mark, we have a limited amount of time to do this thing and that time is constantly shrinking. We can't afford to take a break and even less just because of _me._ "

Mark sighs and takes a contemplative bite of his food. "You know everything's going to work out, right Hyuckie?" He says after a minute of silence. "We're going to make it."

"You don't know that," Donghyuck says, and all of a sudden it's like his previous confidence has escaped him, has swept out of his body on the last exhale. "I mean, we could be stuck doing this for three more years before we give up and enter mediocre, middling careers for the rest of our lives while Jaemin-"

He cuts himself forcefully off, biting his inner cheek so hard he can taste the metallic tang of blood welling to the surface.

"Jaemin would never leave you behind." It falls like an anvil in between them and Donghyuck's throat closes for a second at the thought of him.

Donghyuck looks up then and meets Mark's serious gaze. "You don't know that. He's going places, Mark. And I'm - _we_ honestly might not be able to do the same. And you know," he shrugs. "Things happen, people drift apart for lesser reasons than this."

"That doesn't mean it will," Mark presses. "Donghyuck, shouldn't you have a little faith?"

"I do," Donghyuck says. "In _us_." He indicates the space between the two of them.

"I meant with you and Jaemin."

Donghyuck snorts, a quiet little huff of disbelief. "Well, it's really hard to have hope in a dying thing. All you can do is just cling on and hope it doesn't end too soon."

Mark doesn't say anything and Donghyuck's glad for it. He doesn't know what else to say either and he's already cried out for the day.

Donghyuck and Mark split at the main road in their neighbourhood. And Donghyuck knows he probably looks just as bad as he feels when Mark vacillates for a second before launching himself into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around Donghyuck for a lingering moment.

"Don't lose your optimism, Hyuck," Mark says quietly, running a hand over the back of his head as he steps back. "It doesn't suit you."

The smile Donghyuck tries on feels too jagged. "I'm trying."

Mark's crooked grin makes everything a little lighter, even if it's just for a second, and in that moment Donghyuck is fiercely glad he has Mark with him. That he doesn't have to do this alone.

"It'll work out," Mark promises before turning down the street, only pausing to call over his shoulder. "You'll see, we'll make it!"

Donghyuck's smile widens into something real and fond as he watches Mark walk down the dark street, waiting until he vanishes around the corner before heaving a huge sigh and starting the trek up to his apartment.

His heart stops when he climbs the stairs up to his floor.

There, sitting at his door, huddled into his jacket, is Jaemin. Donghyuck stands there for a second at the top of the stairs, staring at him, breathless. He knows what Jaemin looks like, of course. He's on every show, every magazine all the time. The newest rookie actor taking the industry by storm.

But Donghyuck hasn't seen _him_ , in real life, properly for over a month and he catalogs all the differences - the changes from _his_ Jaemin to this one. Jaemin's hair is now a fluffy caramel and it makes him look younger and older all at the same time. He's still in his work clothes - or at least, so Donghyuck assumes - going by the gray trousers and white button down. His head is tipped against Donghyuck's door, eyes closed, and even from this distance, Donghyuck can see how tired he looks, can see his eyelashes fanning over dark circles that are cleverly hidden by makeup and computer magic.

His heart hurts.

"Jaemin?" Donghyuck takes a step into the hallway, heart leaping when Jaemin's eyes fly open, immediately pinning him to where he stands. "What are you doing here?"

A half breathless, "Donghyuck."

And Donghyuck doesn't even have time to blink before Jaemin is on his feet and wrapping him up in a tight hug. His face is smushed into Jaemin's chest and Donghyuck can smell him, the clean scent of his cologne, can feel him tremble as his arms tighten around Donghyuck, holding him so tight it feels like Jaemin's trying to meld them into one. Donghyuck just clings back as tight as he can, and closes his eyes. A month apart. Jaemin still feels the same. Donghyuck doesn't know why he was expecting anything different.

"What are you doing here?" Donghyuck repeats hoarsely when they finally separate. He looks up at Jaemin and nearly loses his breath when he sees Jaemin staring back down at him.

"What do you mean _what am I doing here_?” Jaemin demands, stepping back. "Hyuck, you _cried_ on the phone and then you hung up and wouldn’t return any of my calls. What did you expect me to do?”

"Oh," Donghyuck says and suddenly he's embarrassed. He steps around Jaemin to unlock his door. "You could have just gone in, you know, I haven't changed the passcode."

"Don't try to change the subject." Jaemin's voice is close to his ear as he follows Donghyuck through the door and Donghyuck tries not to shiver.

"Well, it's cold in my apartment and I don't want you to free-"

Jaemin's hand wraps around his arm and turns him back around to meet his gaze. "Donghyuck, why were you _crying_?"

Donghyuck makes it all of five seconds before he quails under his gaze. Fuck Na Jaemin and his sincere eyes. "It was just a shitty day, okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, I know you were busy-"

"But I wasn't! And stop apologising for wanting to talk to me!" Jaemin exclaims. "I know I'm busy a _lot,_ but I wasn't today and you called me and you _cried_ and fuck- I was so worried something had happened to you, Donghyuck!"

"I just missed you!" Donghyuck snaps. There’s too many emotions bubbling to the surface all of a sudden and he can’t keep them under wraps, no matter how hard he tries. “Okay? It's been a _shitty_ few months and you haven't been there and it's not your fault, _obviously,_ but I just- I just _missed_ you." He looks down, hating himself when tears burn at the back of his eyes. "I just wanted to see you and I hated that I couldn't."

Jaemin's hand comes up to cup his cheek, turning his face up to him, and Donghyuck's throat hurts with the block that lodges in it when he sees the hurt clear on Jaemin's face. "I missed you too," he admits, half broken, half breathless, half pained, and Donghyuck can't help the quiet sob he lets out before throwing his arms around Jaemin's neck and kissing him.

Jaemin clutches Donghyuck to him, kissing him back, and Donghyuck flinches when he feels something warm and wet hit his cheek. "Min-ah," he tries to say, but Jaemin just kisses him again, mouth opening to slide wetly against Donghyuck's and Donghyuck just- gives in. Arches up to meet Jaemin's lips and tightens his hold on Jaemin's shoulders, his hair, trying to touch as much of him as possible because god knows when he's going to get this chance again. They kiss again and again and again until their lips are bruised and Donghyuck can taste salt from their tears.

They fall onto Donghyuck's mattress in a wet heap, and their clothes go flying off in a matter of minutes. Donghyuck doesn't stop kissing Jaemin; finds any part of him to press his lips to because he can't stop, not now.

He doesn't stop. Not when they fumble for the condom and lube stashed in between the back of the mattress and the wall. Not when Jaemin presses his cock into Donghyuck, gasping wetly against his mouth, his fingers pressed tightly into the spaces between Donghyuck's ribs. Not when Jaemin tucks his face into the crook of Donghyuck's neck, Donghyuck kissing the side of his head, gasps falling half broken from his lips as Jaemin fucks into him slow and sweet and hard, wringing every last drop of pleasure from him, until they both shake apart together, so hard it hurts. So hurtful, it feels good.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't you _dare_ apologise."

"I should, though. My job-"

"Is all you've wanted to do. If you apologise to me for that, I'll never speak to you again."

A beat.

"I'm sorry for not being there for you."

"You are. In the ways that matter."

Arms come up to wrap around each other.

"I love you. Don't forget that, okay? It's you and me, sun. No matter what some stupid show says or whatever some silly magazine misquotes. It's you and me. I love _you_. And I'm sor- I'll do my best to be here for you. I promise."

"Don't make that kind of promise to me."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be the reason you hate yourself when you break it."

"I _won't_."

"You don't know that. Shit happens, Min-ah, people drift apart-"

"But not _us_."

"We could."

"...Why do you already speak like you've given up on us?"

"I _haven't_."

"Good. Neither have I. I know it's hard. I know you're working yourself to the bone, but I have faith in you. I have faith in us. If I believe in _anything-_ "

"It's us."

"Exactly."

A kiss.

"Go to sleep, sun. I'll be there when you wake up in the morning. That at least, I can promise."

Another kiss.

"I love you, Min-ah."

"Love you too, sun."

In the morning, Donghyuck wakes to a harried delivery guy banging on his door, boxes and boxes of groceries and food sitting piled up in the hallway.

Jaemin is nowhere to be found.

**my baby**

sorry, Hyuckie, I had to run

Renjun needed me at the company

I know you don't like me spending money on you but please eat, you're too thin

love you

**Present**

Jaemin slams his phone down on the table, so hard that his glass rattles. He turns the screen off, but in the next second, picks it up to glare at it again.

"What the fuck is he talking about?" He seethes, staring at the article. Donghyuck's face stares back out at him - a screencap from a morning talk show. He slams his phone back down again, gritting his teeth. Beside him, Jeno winces.

"Maybe you should try not breaking your phone?" He starts, reaching for the phone, but Jaemin cuts him off with a growl.

"If it helps, it gets worse," Renjun says blandly, throwing a magazine down in front of him.

"Why would you say that?" Jeno asks despairingly. "Why would you make it _worse_?"

Renjun shrugs and plops down on the other free seat, leaning over to steal a bite of Jaemin's eggs, before glancing at him and just dragging his whole plate over to his side. "I figured he'd want to see it."

Jaemin grabs the magazine, deliberately flipping past the large picture of Donghyuck, spread across two pages, his caramel warm skin shining in the sunlight, a small grin tugging at the edge of his mouth. He means to skim the article, to just parse over the stupid words Donghyuck must have stammered out, but he ends up slowly reading every word, trying to ignoring the weird skipping beat of his heart.

"'Lee Donghyuck,'" Jaemin starts to read out loud, ignoring Jeno's wince. "'Is a singer of considerable talents and clearly has been underappreciated in the music world. However, when I asked Lee-ssi about his inspiration for his hit song, _Untitled,_ he obfuscated, twisting up a dance about his experiences having shaped him.

' _It was just a collection of experiences and thoughts that had made me the person I was when I wrote that song. When we were training, we didn't really have room for other things.'_ "

Jaemin slams the magazine down, gritting his teeth. "I can't believe him. I'm going to sue him for exploiting our story. I'm going to _murder_ him."

"To be fair," Renjun says blithely. "He didn't really exploit your story so much as entirely cut you out of it."

Jaemin glares at him.

He knows Donghyuck would have to talk about the song - it had gotten far too popular to _not_ do so - but god, he didn't think Donghyuck would just... Ignore him.

It hurts. More than he'd like to admit.

"Maybe you should talk to him," Jeno offers. "I'm sure things would be cleared up then."

Jaemin snorts, looking down at his lap. "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious," Jeno says, with much seriousness. He leans forward, looking intently at Jaemin. "Jaemin, it's been _years_."

"Like hell I'm talking to him," Jaemin snaps petulantly. " _He_ broke up with _me_."

"And you're clearly handling it so well," Renjun comments.

Jaemin pushes back from the table with a loud screech. "I'm going to go take a shower," he snaps, stalking away from them before he does something stupid like start crying about an ex boyfriend he hasn't seen in two years.

"Try not to cry while you're in there," Renjun calls after him, infuriating till the end, and Jaemin slams the bedroom door hard enough to make the paintings rattle.

**Three Years Ago**

They get into a company.

"Are... are you serious?" Donghyuck asks. He nearly drops his stuff as he stares at Mark. "Mark, you're _serious_?"

"Yeah," Mark says with a grin, holding up his phone. He's leaning back in the chair in their tiny recording studio that they've rented out with their tight budgets for nearly two years now, and Donghyuck's never seen Mark look this calm in this room. Never this laid back. "I got the call this afternoon, Hyuck. They wanted us, both of us. They like our EP- _Ah_!"

Donghyuck flings himself at Mark, throwing his arms around him. "We got it!" He yells into his ear and Mark flinches. "Mark, we got it!"

"Oh my god, Hyuck," Mark says, strangled, but he wraps an arm around Donghyuck.

"We did it!"

"Yes," Mark laughs, when they finally pull back. Donghyuck heart soars at the bright look in his eyes. "Yes, we did."

"I can't believe it," Donghyuck says, hushed. He feels weak and full of adrenaline at the same time. He sinks against the wall, staring at nothing. "Oh my god. A year, Mark. More than that."

"Yeah," Mark agrees. "Yeah, we did it, Hyuck, we got there eventually."

Donghyuck laughs and leans in to hug him again, tightly and quickly, before darting back. "I'm going to call Jaemin, okay?"

"Yeah, go for it," Mark waves him off with a bright grin.

Donghyuck grins and leaves the room, fumbling for his phone. The phone rings once, twice, and then keeps on ringing before there's a click.

"Hey, this is Jaemin! I'm busy right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you!"

Donghyuck's smile fades for a second before he clears his throat. "Hey baby! I've got great news, call me when you're done with work."

He calls his parents next and it certainly lifts his heart more when he hears their cheers, bright voices overlapping until Donghyuck's laughing, feeling for the first time in years, light and happy.

He walks back into the studio where Mark is just hanging up his phone call, looking up at Donghyuck with a bright grin.

"What did Jaemin say?"

"He - uh - he was busy, I left a voicemail," Donghyuck says quickly, and ignores Mark's look in favour of grabbing his bag and grinning at him. "Let's go eat, we deserve barbecue for this."

"Are you sure?"

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "Come on Mark, we just got what we've wanted in years, let’s go celebrate."

**Two Years and Seven Months Ago**

"So," Jaemin says, tucking his phone to his ear as he kicks the door shut behind him. He winces at the sudden glare as the automatic lights in the apartment kick in. Seven months here and he's still not used to it. "Are you eating?"

"How can I not be?" Donghyuck asks with a scoff. "When you keep sending me food. _All the time_."

"You need to eat," Jaemin says warningly. "Just because you're about to release an album doesn't mean food can fall on the wayside."

“We’re eating,” Donghyuck groans. “Why can’t you call up Mark and nag him into sleeping? He’s basically living at the company right now.”

“Please,” Jaemin scoffs. “Mark doesn’t listen to me.”

“I don’t have to either,” Donghyuck says, and Jaemin knows without having to see his face that he’s sticking his tongue out at him. “How was your day? How was your flight?”

“Weird,” Jaemin sighs, unloading his bags onto his couch and staring down at it, contemplating whether to bother with the charade of unpacking or to just go order food. “The day, not the flight. I think management has something up their sleeves for me, but they won’t tell me anything just yet.”

“Of course they do,” Donghyuck says, and Jaemin’s chest clenches when he hears him yawn. Donghyuck sounds exhausted. Jaemin hasn’t seen him in nearly two months, having been locked up in Bulgaria filming for a movie.

They’ve moved away from the hurt of last year. Jaemin’s still just as busy - maybe even _more_ now - but they’re working through it. They’re working and Jaemin’s so grateful for that. Donghyuck laughs, distracting him from his intrusive thoughts, “You’re a big star now, Mr. Award winner.”

“One award,” Jaemin reminds him. “Where are you right now?”

“The company. You can’t come.”

Jaemin whines, finding the app on his phone for delivery and putting Donghyuck on speaker. “But I miss you.”

“So do I, idiot, but if you show up now, you’ll distract us and Mark might snap and kill you. Besides, we’re nearly done with the last track and then I’ll be free.”

“Hardly,” Jaemin scoffs. “You’re going to launch into stardom with this album and then you won’t have any time for your poor boyfriend.”

Donghyuck snorts. “Let’s not delude ourselves.”

Jaemin frowns. “Don’t think like that,” he scolds him. “You’re going to make it, you know. You’ve worked too hard not to.”

There’s silence from the other end and Jaemin waits in anticipation - and maybe a little dread - because this last year hasn’t been easy on either of them, both alone and as a couple, and Jaemin really doesn’t want to trigger another exhausted fight, but then Donghyuck sighs. “Yeah.”

It’s not nearly enough for Jaemin to feel satisfied, but he lets it go. Donghyuck’s not going to appreciate him pushing now anyway.

“When are you going to be done with recording?” He asks instead.

“Hopefully by tonight,” Donghyuck replies. “Then it’s off into Yangyang’s terrible hands and completely out of ours.”

“Yangyang?”

“This like genius composer and producer from Germany. He’s _our_ age, Min-ah. Talk about an inferiority complex ready to build.”

Jaemin scoffs, because he’s heard Donghyuck sing and he’s pretty sure there’s no better sound. “You’re more talented.”

Donghyuck huffs, amused. “You haven’t even heard his stuff, Jaemin.”

“Don’t need to,” Jaemin says, frowning down at the app. It seems there’s going to be a delay and his stomach grumbles in anticipation. “I already know you’re the most talented.”

“Well thank you,” Donghyuck says. “I have to go now, though. Break’s over and Mark honestly looks like he’ll kill me if I spend another minute out here.”

“Go, go,” Jaemin urges. “I’ll call you later?”

“Yeah. Love you, Min-ah.”

Jaemin smiles. “You too, sun.”

**Two Years and Six Months Ago**

Their album drops on a Wednesday.

Donghyuck and Mark make a vow to not spend all day obsessively looking at the charts, and also decide to spend the day apart; because Donghyuck knows Mark will be silently agonising over every little second and Donghyuck doesn't want to be around people today, not when his whole future hangs in the balance of this one album.

They leave the company before dawn, which really means Mark's new boyfriend, Ten, forcefully turns off the laptop for them so they can stop staring at the charts and drags them out of the room, shepherding Donghyuck onto a bus before throwing his arm around an exhausted Mark and dragging him down the road to his apartment.

It almost feels like deja vu, for Donghyuck to step onto the landing on his apartment and see Jaemin leaning against his door, his coat collar turned up and his eyes half closed as he sways on his feet.

"Are you seriously about to fall asleep on my doorstep?" Donghyuck asks, unable to keep the fond tone out of his voice.

Jaemin perks up, and turns to look at him. "Baby," he calls, tone nearly at a whine, holding out his hands, and Donghyuck goes easily, leaning into his arms and hugging him tightly. Jaemin tucks his chin over Donghyuck's head and kisses his hair. "Your album came out today," he says softly. "Congratulations, I have a surprise for you."

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" Donghyuck asks, tipping his head up to study Jaemin. He looks _exhausted_.

"I should be here for you," Jaemin refutes. "Isn't that what all of last year was about?"

Donghyuck swallows. Last year had been hard for both of them, almost painfully, gut wrenchingly so. And they still haven't found their way back to what they used to be before fame took Jaemin to new levels of dizzying stardom. They're still teetering around each other, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of asking too much. Afraid of each other.

It's sad and it hurts, but Donghyuck doesn't know what else to do. He can't give Jaemin up, that just isn't an option. Not after all of this, not after all they’ve been through. Jaemin is his only option. So this is the alternative; waiting in silent anticipation for the next roadblock that will send them teetering into another hurtful silence.

Jaemin, surprisingly, takes him up to the roof. Or maybe not so surprisingly because Jaemin is a walking, talking cliche who lives and breathes dramas and acts exactly like he's playing the lead in one of them.

The door is propped open and Donghyuck's mouth drops open when he sees the blanket laid out on the ground, candles flickering in the faint wind, all of Donghyuck’s favourite street foods and snacks spread out on the blanket.

Jaemin's lips press to the side of Donghyuck's head. "Congratulations, baby."

Donghyuck turns to look at him, eyes wide. "Seriously? Did you sleep at all last night?"

Jaemin just smiles down at him, eyes dancing fondly. "Stop worrying about me. It's time to celebrate you." And before Donghyuck can protest, Jaemin wraps his arms around him and bundles him towards the blanket, frog marching them in a duo until Donghyuck's laughing, collapsing on the blanket in a mess and just barely avoiding the food.

Donghyuck curls up into Jaemin's arms as they watch the dawn together and can't help the ache in his chest as Jaemin leans down to feed him food, peppering the side of Donghyuck's face and his hair with soft kisses.

"You ever look up at the sky sometimes and wonder how you got this far?" Donghyuck asks as the sun slowly rises over them. There are dark clouds drawing at the edge of the horizon but he pays it no harm. They're far away for now.

Jaemin hums. "Sometimes," he says quietly. "Other times though, I know exactly how I got here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They stare out at the sunrise for a long time. As the clouds draw closer, Jaemin speaks breaking the comfortable silence.

"Hey, Donghyuck?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you move in with me?"

Donghyuck stills, then turns in Jaemin's arms to look up at him. "Don't ask me that," he warns quietly.

Jaemin's expression crumples. "Why not?"

"Because we both know it's not possible. Not while you've got that single, attainable image to uphold. You can't possibly have a live-in boyfriend."

Jaemin purses his lips. "I- I know."

"Then why ask?" Donghyuck asks, turning around completely, sitting up to look at him.

"Because I'd like to pretend we're a normal couple once in a while. Don't you?"

It hurts.

Donghyuck doesn't say anything, just leans in and cups Jaemin's cheeks to kiss him.

"I would like for us to actually _be_ a normal couple, rather than pretend," Donghyuck whispers instead of pouring out all his thoughts, ugly and warped as they are, on the ground between them. "But that's not really realistic, is it?"

Then it starts to drizzle.

Jaemin flinches as drops slowly start to spatter on top of them.

"This has got to be some kind of karma," Jaemin says, shoulders slumping as the rain starts to pick up. Donghyuck can't help but laugh fondly at the look on his face and kisses him again.

"It's just nature, baby, don't think so deeply about it." He stands to gather the food and blanket before they can get ruined and Jaemin scrambles up with him, tugging him into his arms before he can leave the roof.

"Wait, wait." Jaemin wraps his arms around his waist, smile curling up in mischief. "It's nice up here."

"It's about to start pouring," Donghyuck protests, trying to pull back, but Jaemin stubbornly holds on.

"So?" Jaemin asks, removing a hand to make Donghyuck wrap his arms around his neck. Donghyuck rolls his eyes but holds on as Jaemin slowly starts twirling them around the crumpled up blanket as the drizzle slowly turns into a full on shower.

It's nice. Wet, but overwhelmingly sweet. Jaemin always runs like a furnace and Donghyuck just slides closer to him, soaking up his warmth and tipping his face up to look at Jaemin. Their dancing slows to swaying from side to side, feet tangling up in each other and their hands clutching too tight when they feel like they're about to fall.

"You know, I've always wanted to kiss someone in the rain," Donghyuck comments idly, tracing out the well known curves of Jaemin's face. "It always seemed so romantic in the movies."

Jaemin's smile widens. "Well, what's stopping you, handsome?"

Perhaps there was a reason kissing in the rain always seemed so romantic. Or maybe there was really nothing that romantic about kissing someone else while you were both completely wet, but just that Donghyuck was so in love with Jaemin, it was hard to feel anything but desperately romanced.

Jaemin's hands slide around his waist, hugging him tighter to him, his head tilting to the side as his mouth moves against Donghyuck, making his eyes flutter shut, sighing. His lungs burn from a lack of air but he doesn't pull away; he doesn't want this to end. Doesn't want this moment to slip from their fingers. Wants to bask in it. The sun slides out from behind the clouds as the rain slowly peters down from pouring down on top of them to a warm shower.

When they finally pull apart, Donghyuck just leans his forehead against Jaemin's and closes his eyes, breathing ragged. His lips tingle, probably from how swollen they are, kiss bitten and punch red, but being in Jaemin's embrace feels like the safest thing in the world and he doesn't want to move.

Neither of them say anything.

They just breathe as one, not letting go.

It feels too precious, this moment. So they don’t let go.

**Two Years and Five Months Ago**

"We Got Married," Jaemin echoes dully.

Across from him, Renjun makes a pained face that quickly vanishes as the director turns around, a wide smile stretched across his face.

"Yes! It's a very popular show these days, and they want _you_. Specifically requested you, in fact.”

"I see."

Perhaps sensing Jaemin's obvious reluctance, the director's enthusiasm fades and he drops down onto the chair, leaning close to Jaemin, a serious expression now on his face.

"Listen, Jaemin, you don't have to do it, if you really, _really_ don't want to, but the company thinks it would be good exposure for you. Really open you up to a whole new demographic that don't usually watch your dramas. And going on the show will also expose you to more directors who don't know you and thus-" the director flaps his hands around as if to emphasize Jaemin's marketability. "Get you more auditions."

"So you're saying I have to do it," Jaemin asks him deadpan, because there's really not an option of 'no' in his company. He lucked out really, because the management aren’t complete assholes to him. But still, an actor beholden to his company was just that.

The director’s smile goes a little strained. “I’m saying it would be the best move for you - career wise.”

Renjun clears his throat. “Jaemin, I agree. It’s just a few months of filming and the opportunities that’ll come your way - well, you don’t know if you might get them otherwise.”

Jaemin sighs. “Who’s my partner?”

“We Got Married?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin says.

Donghyuck makes a face too quick and too complicated for Jaemin to parse out and he looks down at his sandwich, poking at the crust with his fork. “With Jeno.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin repeats, slower, and a little pained. They don’t really talk about Donghyuck’s… problem with Jeno, but they’re both aware it’s there. They probably should but Jaemin doesn’t know how to breach it, and he doesn’t want to drive Donghyuck away and Donghyuck definitely won’t talk about it, probably for fear of looking like a jealous boyfriend.

“Don’t they usually choose someone… you don’t know?”

“Um, yeah.” Jaemin winces. “But um - the PD and the company thought it’d be good to show um - our chemistry.”

“Huh.” Donghyuck doesn’t look up at him. “Okay.”

Jaemin starts. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck glances up at him with a faint smile that’s just on this side of bitter. “What? You’d think I’d discourage you from something that would help your career?”

“No,” Jaemin says, but truthfully he doesn’t know. He and Donghyuck have been so on the edge lately, so close to tipping over into a territory neither of them wants to head into, that he doesn’t know what to say anymore. Doesn’t know what Donghyuck’s thinking anymore. And it’s strange because for so many years, he could have looked at Donghyuck - wouldn’t even have had to _look_ really - to know exactly what Donghyuck was thinking at that very moment. But now, it’s like he’s looking at a stranger.

“When does filming start?”

Donghyuck’s question knocks Jaemin out of his thoughts and he stutters for a second before coming up with the date, “Uh, a couple of weeks. The show should start airing pretty soon after that.”

“Well,” Donghyuck smiles, but it doesn’t look real. “I hope you have fun, baby.”

There’s a moment where Jaemin watches him play with the salad that had come on the side with the sandwich and not eat any of it. His throat closes up and Jaemin wishes he knew how to make this all better. To make them like they were _before_. Before all his work and his stupid fame and Donghyuck’s stress had driven them apart, driven a wedge between them like this.

“You know this isn’t going to change anything, right?” Jaemin asks him. “Me and Jeno, we’re just friends. And you and I, we’re forever, you know that right?”

Donghyuck’s face relaxes from the tense position it had been in and he leans over to take Jaemin’s hand. “I know, baby. We are.”

Jaemin tries to believe him, but Donghyuck’s smile doesn’t look real. And it’s hard to believe in something you’re not sure is even there.

**Present**

“I don’t like this show,” Donghyuck says in a voice that is absolutely not a whine. “It’s stupid and just leads to everyone judging everyone else as if they’re any better.”

Ten blinks at him as he pulls into the parking lot. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening to your stupid drivel,” he says blandly. “I decided to tune out as soon as you started to sound ungrateful about the amount of attention you’re receiving these days.”

Donghyuck scrunches his face up at him as they get out of the car, heading to the studio. “I _am_ grateful,” he protests. “But I’m also _really_ bad at these shows, hyung. You know that.”

“Yeah, I do,” Ten agrees without a shred of pretense, ignoring Donghyuck’s offended huff. They’re walking through the halls of the studio now, Donghyuck pausing every half a second to bow to every oncoming face and Ten barging ahead, completely uncaring of his or Donghyuck’s image. “But you know what?”

“What?”

“The more you go up there and be stupidly charming - and that is the only time I will _ever_ call you that, so drink it in - the more people realise that there’s a whole other album waiting to be listened to beyond your one dreary song about an ex boyfriend who shouldn’t even be on your radar anymore.” Ten pauses at the door to the changing room and waves Donghyuck in ahead of him.

Donghyuck makes a face at him and opens the door, immediately freezing in his place, his mouth dropping open and his words shattering in his throat when he sees Jaemin standing in the middle of the room, shirtless.

Ten makes a choked off noise that, if Donghyuck had been paying attention to anyone but the figure standing approximately five feet away from him, a stunned look on his face, he would have clocked in as a laugh. Lucky for Ten, Donghyuck doesn’t notice anything. He’s too busy tracing the features of Jaemin’s face, taking him in, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

“You…What - what are you doing here?” Jaemin says, shocked, breaking the silence first. He then startles, apparently remembering he’s still shirtless and hurriedly pulls on the shirt in his hands and glowers at Donghyuck. “You aren’t supposed to be here.”

Yes, well. He would say that, wouldn’t he?

“Actually,” Ten says easily, sliding in front of Donghyuck smoothly as if he meant to all along. “The sign has Donghyuck’s name on it. Looks like you two are going to be on the same show.” Donghyuck can almost hear Ten’s shark-like smile. “And sharing the same dressing room.”

Half covered by Ten’s slim frame, Donghyuck closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. He can’t do this. He didn’t think he could sit through this hellish filming - nearly a whole _day_ , what was wrong with this industry? - in the morning when he woke up, but now it’s just become twenty times worse.

He can’t do this.

It’s been two _years_ since he last spoke to Jaemin. How is he supposed to do this?

With a lot of silence, is apparently the answer.

After they’d started to set their things down, Jaemin had just retreated to his corner, shoving in his headphones and staring studiously down at his phone, apparently hell bent on ignoring them for the rest of the day. Donghyuck’s more than okay with it and spends the time until the stylists come leaning against the couch and closing his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing and ignoring both the annoying way Ten’s nails clicked against his phone screen and the fact that his ex - that _Jaemin_ \- was sitting four feet away from him and pretending like he didn’t exist.

It’s a surprise to see that Renjun is still Jaemin’s manager when he bustles in, a large iced coffee held in his hands. He casts Donghyuck a startled look and opens his mouth to say something, but then apparently thinks better of it and just shoves the coffee in Jaemin’s hands, murmuring something to Jaemin before walking back out again.

When the makeup noonas get their hands on Donghyuck, Ten gets up and tells him he’s going to stretch his legs. Donghyuck latches onto him faster than he thought possible.

“Don’t you dare leave,” he hisses through gritted teeth. The makeup noona makes an annoyed noise, but Donghyuck doesn’t let go. Ten, as usual, just looks amused.

“Try not to kill each other,” is all he says before prying Donghyuck’s vice grip off of him and walking out of the room, whistling to himself as he goes. Donghyuck glares at his retreating figure before slumping back in his chair. He chances a glance over at Jaemin, his heart stuttering when he sees Jaemin already watching him with those damnable eyes. Jaemin blinks, and then turns back to look at his phone when he sees Donghyuck looking at him. The screen is still dark.

The makeup noona orders him to close his eyes and Donghyuck obeys, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his thighs. He can do this. It’s already been two hours, and he and Jaemin haven’t said a word to each other. He can do this.

Right?

Donghyuck hates Hello Counselor. He’s never liked watching the show - the MC’s always seem meaner than they should be and the atmosphere just seems strained. Strained and judgmental. And it doesn’t help that around 200 people are going to be staring at him the whole time. _And_ it’s an even _worse_ feeling to be a participant on it. Especially sitting a seat away from Jaemin.

The theme of today’s episode is apparently 2000 line celebrities, which explains why Donghyuck was invited but _doesn’t_ explain why Mark had been left out. When he’d complained about the lack of attention Mark was getting for his work - he’d more or less produced the whole album along with Yangyang and Donghyuck - and had put out his own albums in the time between their first joint album and now, Mark had just smiled up at him.

“This country isn’t a big fan of rappers,” he’d told Donghyuck, patting his arm. “It’s fine, Hyuck, you wouldn’t believe the number of people who’ve contacted the company asking for me to write them a song. I don’t need to go on shows and stuff, I know the worth my songs hold.”

Donghyuck had scrunched his nose down at him. “You know, if I didn’t feel so guilty about this, I would smack you for that veiled insult to my songs.” Then at Mark’s laugh, he’d smiled at him, fond and quiet. “I’m proud of you though, writing credit, Markie.”

The other two guests on the show today are idols that Donghyuck’s not really familiar with but has definitely seen music stages of before. Eunbi greets them with a bright smile, sitting next to Jaemin and easily launching into conversation with him while Yeji just nervously dips her head at everyone and sits in between Donghyuck and Jaemin and clams up, her eyebrows crumpled at the center of her forehead.

Donghyuck considers not opening his mouth, but then decides that ultimately this filming might be better if he’s spoken to these people at least once.

“You’re a great dancer,” he tells Yeji quietly. “I always loved dancing, when I was a trainee.”

Yeji startles at his words as if not expecting him to speak but then her eyes grow wide and the mildly scary aura she’d been projecting dissipates in a second. “Thank you, sunbaenim,” she says brightly. Donghyuck blinks. _Sunbaenim_? But before he can continue down that train of thought, Yeji keeps going. “I loved your song, it was so sad and lovely. Your voice is amazing!”

Donghyuck smiles at her, and then his smile turns into a grimace when he notices Jaemin watching them.

“Thank you,” Donghyuck says quickly, before Yeji can notice. “Have you been on this show before?”

As Yeji starts talking, Donghyuck’s brain spirals out of control. Has Jaemin heard the song? He wouldn’t have, Donghyuck’s sure. But what if he had? What did he think when he heard it? _If_ he heard it?

Jaemin glances over at him and Donghyuck can’t help the way his face turns red before he ducks his head and stares studiously down at the bright floor, shifting the cushion under his ass.

He absolutely cannot do this.

At the beginning, most of the questions just involve Donghyuck carefully listening to the others and figuring out how to navigate the MC’s, and determinedly singing the whole of Twice’s discography loudly in his head when the questions turn to Jaemin, but when the MC’s turn their laser gazes to him, he sits up straighter, plastering a bright smile on his face.

“Donghyuck-ssi, you’ve become incredibly popular when your song _Untitled_ shot to the top of the charts and it was on Jaemin-ssi’s drama! Did you know that your song was going to be on there?”

Donghyuck gives the same rote response he’s been giving with all the interviewers but then things start to go off course. “- and it was a welcome surprise of course, but I really didn’t expect the song to shoot up like that.”

“And all thanks to my drama,” Jaemin cuts in brightly.

There’s a beat of silence, and then Donghyuck turns to looks at him. Jaemin’s smiling fully at him, but Donghyuck can see the tightness of his jaw. Donghyuck grits his teeth.

“Yep,” he agrees tightly. “All thanks.. to _you_.”

"Um…" the MC starts, her face barely betraying any of her disapproval. Ten seconds of silence is a broadcast mistake and Donghyuck's pretty sure they're way past that. The audience starts whispering and Donghyuck's pretty sure he catches some people glancing at him and surreptitiously pulling out their phones to type something. "Ah - is there bad blood or something here?" She laughs awkwardly, obviously waiting for Jaemin or Donghyuck to refute her statement.

But before Donghyuck can stop himself, he's spitting out, "No, I've never met Jaemin-ssi before in my life." It sounds way too cold, way too abrupt, and Jaemin purses his lips, face going a horrible pink that doesn't at all flatter him.

There's a stunned silence and then the audience starts chattering louder than ever.

"Ah… okay," one of the other MC's say. "Let's take a break before we meet our first audience member."

And then the director calls cut and everyone's getting up. Yeji's watching Donghyuck with wide eyes, leaning in to ask him something. But Donghyuck just shoots up from his seat and mutters, "Bathroom," and runs off backstage before he can have a breakdown on stage in front of 200 strangers.

The dressing room door barely shuts behind him before it's slamming open again and Jaemin's storming through, his eyebrows drawn together, furious.

"What the _fuck_ was that up there?" He seethes, drawing into Donghyuck's space.

"What, all of a sudden I'm not allowed to answer any questions?" Donghyuck spits back.

"Not if you're going fuck up _that_ badly!" Jaemin snaps. "You could at least display a small modicum of professionalism or is that too hard for you?"

"Oh, _you're_ one to talk about professionalism," Donghyuck says, not realising he's starting to yell.

"Oh real nice, bringing that up right now," Jaemin snarls back. "It's not like you're proving my point or anything right now." His face turns a furious red and he grits his teeth so loudly, Donghyuck can hear the sound. Donghyuck isn't faring any better. His heart is racing and his blood is pounding loudly in his ears, and fuck, he _hates_ Jaemin. He takes a step closer to tell him _exactly_ what he thinks of him.

"You're a fucking jackass," he hisses. "You don't get to ignore me for the whole morning and then suddenly get to tell _me_ how to run my life. You don't get to insert yourself into my life again, _especially_ not in front of a hundred strangers." He opens his mouth to go on but -

Jaemin's eyes flicker down to his lips and Donghyuck's world freezes. And suddenly he can't breathe.

They stare at each other in silence and they're so close that Donghyuck's neck is hurting from how he's having to tilt his head back to keep his eyes locked to Jaemin. _Fuck_ Jaemin for being so tall. Donghyuck resists the urge to kick him in the shins.

He _hates-_

"You're the one who broke up with me," Jaemin tells him, his voice devastatingly soft all of a sudden. "I think I have the monopoly of doing whatever the fuck I want."

Donghyuck swallows.

A memory comes back to him all of a sudden.

Jaemin's face, devastated with hurt. His hand reaching out to hold Donghyuck.

The sound of birds outside in the sky a stunning, shattering soundtrack to the memory reel of his life falling apart.

"Not with me," Donghyuck whispers, stepping back, putting space in between them. His lungs burn with a lack of air and he takes a shuddering breath. "Not again."

A strained expression flashes across Jaemin's face but before Donghyuck can parse it out, a stressed out crew member knocks on the door and pokes their head through, a frown on their face. "We're starting again in two minutes," he tells them.

Jaemin starts. "Oh yes," he says, and his tone is bright and cheery, no trace of what had just transpired in his voice at all. "We'll be there in a minute."

Donghyuck brushes past him and walks out the door. The filming goes on and the hosts don't ask Donghyuck and Jaemin any more questions outside of the script, and when Donghyuck leaves, he doesn't look at Jaemin once.

He can feel eyes on him as he walks out, but he doesn't look back.

> [ENTER-TALK] New Hello Counselor Episode Reveals Drama Between The Participants??
> 
> I don't watch the show but the actor Na Jaemin and this new singer had a fight on the show? My sister went to this filming and she said they had a really tense filming and after the break they came back looking like they'd fought. I'm so curious as to what happened.
> 
> 1\. [+450, -127] Wasn't this the artist's whose song went f*cking popular on Na Jaemin's drama? Crazy... maybe they have some history....
> 
> 2\. [+300, -87] Ahh I also went to this filming and I agree, there was so much tension. It felt like I was watching a drama filming ㅋㅋㅋ
> 
> 3\. [+288, -31] F*ck I found a post that said they went to the same high school. F*cking crazy [link]
> 
> 4\. [+20, -249] Why do you all care so much about some silly drama. Celebrities are never going to notice you anyway no matter how much you crazily stalk them ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

> According to a report by Dispatch, actor Na Jaemin and newly famous singer Lee Donghyuck who were on Hello Counselor together and got quite famous for a frosty interaction - the clip of which has nearly a million views on Naver - had known each other back in high school!
> 
> User p****loe revealed these pictures yesterday, claiming that both of them attended her school and were quite close. In an interview with Dazed, Donghyuck had revealed he'd spent most of his high school years training at a top company - though he didn't mention which one - and probably met Jaemin there.
> 
> Fans of Jaemin are eagerly speculating about his mysterious past. Here are some tweets about their reactions! What do you guys think?

> **Lee Donghyuck Charts** @leedonghyuckcharts
> 
> All the tracks in Lee Donghyuck's album _You_ occupies the top 20 on Melon trending!
> 
> _Untitled_ hits its 10th All-Kill!
> 
> #1 MelOn (=)
> 
> #1 Bugs (+4)
> 
> #1 Naver (+1)
> 
> #1 Soribada (+1)
> 
> #1 Genie (+3)
> 
> #1 FLO (+1)

**Two Years and Three Months Ago**

Jaemin is giggling about something Jeno is saying with his eyes all scrunched up in that stupidly endearing way that Donghyuck absolutely doesn't want to admit is stupidly endearing.

"Will you stop watching this?" Mark says, coming around the couch and dropping down on it, holding out a cup of coffee to him. They're sitting in Mark's new apartment and Donghyuck had come over to help him build his coffee table and also to watch Jaemin's new episode of We Got Married on Mark's new flat screen that Ten had bought for him. "It's just making you miserable."

"It's not," Donghyuck protests. "I'm fine. I just, you know, would like to see my boyfriend and if on TV, _flirting_ with another man for the benefit of voyeurs all around the country is the only way I can do it, then so be it."

It was a nice and large flat screen too, perfect for seeing Jeno and Jaemin flaunt their stupid fake love all over the Korea countryside in high definition.

Mark just stares flatly at him. "You know, sometimes I think you're not that bad, but then you say things like this and I get the sudden urge to call the nearest therapist I can find and book you for a session."

"And which therapist would that be?" Donghyuck teases, ignoring the suggestion that he might be handling things so badly, his best friend thinks he might need therapy. "The one you started going to after you discovered what a monster your boyfriend was?"

"Ten is amazing, I don't what you're talking about," Mark says staunchly.

"He's terrifying," Donghyuck says flatly. "He's a terrifying little man."

On screen, Jaemin throws his head back laughing, clutching at Jeno's arm as CGI hearts cover the screen, fluttering around their faces. Donghyuck swallows around the block in his throat.

"Okay, I'm turning this off," Mark says, grabbing the remote before Donghyuck can yank it away from him.

"Mark no," Donghyuck whines, but Mark turns it off and shoves the remote under his butt before Donghyuck can get to it.

"No," Mark points at him. "You can make yourself sad on your own time if you want, but you're sure as hell not about to do it on my couch."

Donghyuck narrows his eyes at him. "Fine," he says, getting up and walking to Mark's fridge. "Then you can sit there and watch me get _drunk_ on your couch."

Mark sighs and turns the TV onto a random movie. "That's fine with me. As long as you don't start crying."

"Well _now_ you're asking for too much," Donghyuck says blithely and pops the top off the soju bottle.

He'll just watch the rerun at home and cry himself to sleep. Just like he does every week. No big deal.

Next week, they get called in to meet with the director of their company.

"Do you know what this is about?" Donghyuck asks Mark, who looks blankly terrified.

"Nope," Mark croaks out. "You don't think... Hyuck, you don't think we're going to get kicked out, do you?"

"No," Donghyuck says firmly before Mark can spiral down that path. "Come on, our album didn't do that badly. We're not getting kicked out."

They hadn't done badly, but they hadn't done _great_ either. It hadn't been the saving grace both of them had hoped it would be. Donghyuck was fiercely proud of their work, but it was hard to stay that way, to keep your head up and keep moving forward when no one else wanted to appreciate the way you did.

"We need to talk," Moon Taeil says when they get into his office. "Sit down, both of you."

"Sir," Mark starts, and Donghyuck winces when he can hear his voice trembling. "We're aware that we didn't do as well as we could have but-"

"Let me speak first." Taeil holds up his hand and surveys the both of them with a blank face. It would have been impressive how rarely Taeil's expressions betrayed his emotions if Donghyuck wasn't terrified out of his mind right now. "Yes, I agree. You didn't do as well with your album as I'd hoped and we have some ways to move forward from that. But I'm here to talk to you two about another opportunity."

"Writing for an idol group," Donghyuck says as they walk out of the company. Mark makes to turn right, but Donghyuck just loops their arms together and steers them to the nearest bar.

"At least we didn't get kicked out," Mark says dully. "At least, there's that."

"I know we did our best," Donghyuck sighs. "But I hate that we're still here like this, just like we were three years ago." It feels like they're always in the same place, never being able to move forward no matter how hard they try.

"We weren't able to get drunk three years ago," Mark mumbles, dropping down on a chair.

"Thank heaven for that at least," Donghyuck says sadly and motions for two bottles.

That night he watches Jaemin's 'marriage' clip ten times before he slides into a drunken slumber, trying not to cry.

**Two Years and Two Months Ago**

Jaemin knows it’s bad when Donghyuck doesn't answer his texts.

He calls him for the third time that night and finally lets out a breath when Donghyuck picks up.

"Hey baby-"

"Hold on," Donghyuck says tersely, and in the distance Jaemin can hear him murmuring something before Mark's voice says, "Be quick." There's the sound of the door shutting and then Donghyuck's voice comes back on the line. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Jaemin says, a little thrown off by his tone. "I just wanted to talk."

"I'm really busy right now, Jaemin," Donghyuck sighs. "This song has to get done by tonight and we're struggling with the demo."

Jaemin's eyebrows rise. "You're making a new album?"

There's a beat.

"No," Donghyuck says tightly. "We're making one for the idol group in our company."

"Oh," Jaemin flounders. Had Donghyuck told him about this? "Oh um- did - when did this happen?"

"A month ago," Donghyuck says and his voice is dull.

"Oh, Hyuck, I'm sorry, I must have forgot," Jaemin rushes but Donghyuck cuts him off before he can go any further.

"It's fine, you were probably caught up in filming with Jeno-ssi, right?"

Jaemin frowns at his tone. "No," he says slowly. "That ended a couple of weeks ago."

"Right," Donghyuck says. "Right, yeah, I saw your farewell episode. You looked absolutely crushed saying goodbye to your husband. Must have hurt, huh?"

"Okay, what is your problem?" Jaemin snaps. "I'm just trying to have a conversation with you and you’re just being nasty."

Donghyuck snorts. "Oh, really? Well I should be grateful then, shouldn't I, that you've at least remembered I exist?"

"And what does _that_ mean?"

Donghyuck huffs out a laugh but it sounds all wrong and Jaemin grits his teeth at it. "Maybe you should check texts from other people than your _husband_. Might open up your eyes sometimes."

And before Jaemin can say anything else, Donghyuck hangs up on him.

Jaemin calls him again, ready to snap at him, but it goes to a missed call. He swallows a frustrated growl and angrily swipes over to his messages to figure out what the _fuck_ Donghyuck was talking about when he sees it.

**sun ☀**

hey baby i saw your new ep

very cute

**sun ☀**

are u free today?

**sun ☀**

huh maybe not

call me later then~

**sun ☀**

minahhhhh

i missjds youuuu

whyff wont uu pik up

[deleted text]

[deleted text]

**sun ☀**

sorry about that

me and mark just got some shitty news

and we had a little too much to drink

can we meet this week?

**sun ☀**

jaemin?

Weeks and weeks of texts unanswered. Jaemin's mouth parts and his heart thumps loudly, painfully.

Fuck, how had he screwed up this badly?

He tries calling Donghyuck again but the call goes ignored again.

Jaemin shoves the phone in his pocket and scrubs at his face, trying not to cry. Everything feels like it's slowly falling apart, and it feels like he and Donghyuck are clutching the pieces to their chest, trying to keep them from falling through their fingers.

**Two Years Ago**

When Donghyuck breaks up with him, the sun is shining, there are birds chirping outside the window, and Jaemin absolutely doesn't see it coming.

Maybe he should have.

Donghyuck shows up to his apartment on the one Sunday he's had free in over four months with Jaemin's favourite coffee order in his hand.

"Hey," Jaemin says softly, kissing him on the cheek. "I wasn't expecting you today."

"Yeah," Donghyuck says, but his smile is small and sad. He takes a breath. "Jaemin, we need to talk. Please."

Maybe Jaemin should have realised. Perhaps he should have listened to the warning in his chest as he'd led them to the couch.

"What's wrong?" Jaemin asks, setting the coffee cup down and facing Donghyuck fully. "Hyuck?"

Donghyuck closes his eyes and Jaemin can see his lip trembling before he sucks in a shuddering breath. "Min-ah, you know I love you right? I love you more than anything in this world."

"Of course I do," Jaemin says in a half whisper. All of a sudden he can't seem to breathe. "Donghyuck-"

"Please, just - just let me say this," Donghyuck pleads, his voice shaking. "I need to do this, I need to get this out because if I don't, I think we're just going to explode apart and I don't want that to happen. I just-"

"Do what?"

Donghyuck looks up at him then, eyes filling with tears, and Jaemin's heart stops. "Jaemin, we need to break up."

Jaemin blinks at him. There's a long silence and he can't comprehend what Donghyuck's saying for the longest moment before he realises. "What?" He says and his voice cuts off in the middle, the end of the word vanishing into a breathless gasp. " _Hyuck_."

"Listen, I've thought about this for so long-"

"How long?" Jaemin asks desperately. To his horror, he can feel the back of his eyes burning. This can't be real. This can't be happening.

"Jaemin, we don't see each other anymore," Donghyuck says sadly. "I rarely talk to you and every time I turn on the TV, there you are all over Jeno-"

"I _told_ you we're just friends!"

"And I believe you," Donghyuck says desperately. "But I can't do this anymore, Min-ah. I can't wait months on end for one night with you where you promise me forever and then vanish again and I'm left wondering whether I'm really worth this."

"Worth -"

"If I'm worth it. If I'm the one holding you back."

"Don't I get to decide that?" Jaemin snaps. "You're worth _everything_ to me."

"But your career means more," Donghyuck exclaims and Jaemin's words fall out of his mouth in silence. Donghyuck shakes his head and he's actually crying now, tears running down his cheeks, his eyes red. "I'm not blaming you, Min-ah, I could never. You've got what you worked so hard for and I'm not going to be the one holding you back anymore."

"Sun-"

"And I'm not going to wait for you anymore either. I'm not going to chase after you and I'm not going to wait. I _can't_. Not anymore."

There's silence. Jaemin thinks of the last two years and the tears spill over, burning down his cheeks as they go. "Please don't do this," he whispers. "Please, sun, I love you so much."

"I love you too," Donghyuck whispers back. "But Jaemin, I need to put myself first for once. And I can't do that when I'm with you." He meets Jaemin's eyes and Jaemin distantly can feel his heart tearing apart, feel the chords holding the muscle together snapping apart, feel it breaking.

Donghyuck gets up and Jaemin knows that if he leaves now, that's the last time Jaemin will ever see him again. He stumbles up, grabs Donghyuck's wrist and tugs him back before he can walk more than a step. His hands come up to cup Donghyuck's cheeks, finding their favourite spot, but this time Donghyuck's cheeks are wet and Jaemin doesn't know how to fix this, he doesn't know how to make this right. What can he do?

"Tell me how to fix it," Jaemin says desperately, staring at him. "Hyuck, love, please-"

Donghyuck stands on his tiptoes to kiss him. It's soft and it burns. Jaemin closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Donghyuck whispers and his voice breaks.

Then he's moving back and walking away from Jaemin. Jaemin doesn't open his eyes until the door opens and shuts behind him. And even then, he can hardly see through his tears.

**Two Years Ago**

Jaemin is fabulously drunk.

“Maybe you should stop drinking,” Jeno says worriedly, trying to take his drink away from him, but Jaemin clutches it to his chest before Jeno can get to it.

“No,” he says staunchly. “I ordered this amazingly sweet cocktail with _no_ shame and I _will_ finish it.”

“You have no shame because you’re drunk,” Jeno tells him, but Jaemin ignores him and swigs the rest of his drink down, reveling in the way it burns down his throat. It feels better than trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his heart.

“I’m going to go get some more,” Jaemin tells him. “And you’re not going to say a word.”

“I feel like I should though,” Jeno protests. “Just out of like, you know, friendship.”

“Nope.” Jaemin leans down to poke his nose. “You know why?”

Jeno’s eyes cross as he tries to follow Jaemin’s finger. “Why?”

“Because my boyfriend of almost three years, and the love of my life for fucking ever, broke up with me,” Jaemin tells him brightly. “And I’m so fucking sad I could start crying right here in this stupid club right this instant, but I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to go over there to that really hot bartender and order another two drinks and I’m going to drink both of them. And then when I inevitably pass out, _you’re_ going to take me home.”

“Why?” Jeno whines.

Jaemin grins. “Because of friendship!”

He turns on a wobbly heel and wades around the edge of the dance floor to lean against the bar. He tries to get the attention of the really hot bartender but the guy is predictably occupied by all the pretty girls surrounding the bar.

“Here, what can I get you?” A voice asks and Jaemin turns to find his old boss standing next to him.

“Yuta hyung,” he gasps excitedly. “It’s been so long.” He can’t remember the last time he’d seen Yuta - it had been years since he quit his job at the cafe.

Yuta’s face lights up and lifts an arm to throw around Jaemin’s shoulders, pulling him into a one armed hug. “Jaemin-ah! How are you doing?”

“Oh you know,” Jaemin waves a hand. “Okay.”

“More than that,” Yuta says, eyes shining. “Every time I turn on the TV, there you are, kid. I can’t seem to escape you.”

Jaemin laughs. “How could I have you forget me, hyung? Your best part-timer had to live on somehow.”

“Oh, trust me,” Yuta says around his glass, his grin distinctly cat-like. His hair is longer than it used to be, curling around the bottom of his neck, and Jaemin finds it intrinsically attractive. “I could never forget you, Jaeminnie.”

Jaemin tilts his head and somehow from the bottom of his jagged heart, procures a smile that he’s sure is bleeding all over himself.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Yuta murmurs as they stumble through Jaemin’s front door, his hands running down Jaemin’s chest before shucking his jacket off. “You seem a little off, baby.”

“Call me that again,” Jaemin gasps, tipping his head up to kiss Yuta. “Please.”

Yuta pulls away for a second to look at him, and even in his drunken haze, Jaemin clocks into the worried look on his face. “Are you sure?” Yuta asks.

“Yes,” Jaemin says quietly. “I don’t want to think right now, can you do that for me?”

Yuta’s thumb goes up to stroke his cheek and Jaemin can’t help but remember every time he’d done the same to Donghyuck. Suddenly he feels like throwing up.

“Yeah, I can do that, baby,” Yuta says and Jaemin believes him.

He lets Yuta push him down on his bed and arches his hips up to meet Yuta’s, gasping when Yuta leans down to kiss him. Everything goes fuzzy from there on out and Jaemin welcomes it.

“Get the fuck up.”

Jaemin gets hit with consciousness like a fucking battering ram. He scrunches his face and tries to turn over, but promptly gets hit with a wave of nausea. Never mind then, lying on his front feels fine.

“Na Jaemin, open your fucking eyes right now before I kill you.”

That is not a tone he wants to ignore.

Bit by bit, Jaemin slowly peels his eyes open and he grimaces when he sees Renjun standing over him, arms crossed and a ferocious glower on his face.

“What?” He groans. His arm feels like lead when he raises it to scrub at his gritty eyes. He glances around as best he can, but it seems Yuta is nowhere to be found. Probably for the best given how murderous Renjun looks right now.

“Welcome to the world, starshine,” Renjun says through gritted teeth. “You happen to remember what the fuck you were doing last night?”

Jaemin screws up his face. “I went to blow off some steam. I assume that’s still allowed, right?”

Renjun drops his phone on Jaemin’s face.

“Ow!” Jaemin clutches his face. “What the fuck, Renjun!”

“Look at what you did, dumbass. Your sucking face with a random stranger is plastered all over Naver. The media is having a fucking field day.”

Jaemin shoots up in bed, ignoring the roiling in his stomach and squints down at the article. There it is: a blurry shot, but definitely clear enough to tell that it’s Jaemin, his arms wrapped around Yuta’s neck as he drags him backward into the cab.

He scrambles for his phone and is halfway through a long message to Donghyuck - the number he’d typed out from memory - before he remembers _why_ he’d slept with Yuta. Remembers that he and Donghyuck aren’t talking anymore. That there’s a _reason_ Jaemin had deleted his number from his phone. Remembers that Donghyuck broke up with him.

Jaemin closes his eyes and tries not to throw up again.

Donghyuck probably doesn’t care anyway.

“I need another drink,” he mumbles and swings his legs off the bed. “And maybe also need to throw up.”

Renjun makes a disgusted noise but he still steadies Jaemin when he stumbles over his own feet on the way to the kitchen for his biggest bottle of vodka.

**One Year and Eleven Months Ago**

Donghyuck slowly scrolls through the article, staring at the blurry picture of Jaemin kissing another man. Another man that isn’t him.

“Are you okay?” Mark asks, sitting down across from him. The breakfast place is full around them and the chatter is loud and cheery, but Donghyuck has never felt more alone.

“I’m fine,” Donghyuck says numbly. He stares at the picture again and then swallows hard. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? I’m fine.”

“Because anything you say three times is obviously true,” Mark says.

It’s been one month.

“It’s been a month,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Glad he’s moving on, I’m sure he’s happy.”

Mark casts him a knowing look but he doesn’t say anything.

Donghyuck just looks at the picture again and doesn’t say anything either.

It’s all fine.

**Present**

A week later, Jaemin finds himself being woken up by Renjun.

“How is it that we’ve found ourselves in this position so many times and we’ve still never slept together?” Jaemin asks sleepily as he stretches out on his sheets, blinking up at Renjun through bleary eyes.

Renjun rolls his eyes at him, completely unfazed. “You will _not_ be singing that same tune when you find out who we’re meeting.”

“I fucking _hate_ you,” Jaemin hisses to Renjun when he sees who he’s meeting.

Renjun’s smirk is _audible_. “Told you so.” And he shoves Jaemin into the conference room where his irate CEO, his ex boyfriend, his irritating manager and some random lady who looks exponentially stressed sit.

“Ah, Jaemin,” the director says with a strained smile. “Come in, come in, sit down.”

“Hello sir,” Jaemin says warily, sinking into the chair that’s as far away from Donghyuck as he can possibly get. He doesn’t look at him, just stares down at the glass table.

“Okay, so we’re all here,” the director claps his hands. “Let’s get straight down to it. Jaemin, Donghyuck-ssi, do you have the kind of history that the articles winding through the internet for the whole world to see are writing about?”

“Are you asking if we dated?” Donghyuck asks dryly, and his manager snorts, not looking up from his phone. Jaemin hates that he has the urge to laugh as well. Screw Donghyuck.

“Well - yes,” the director snaps. “I thought that was plenty clear.”

“Then why didn’t you just ask that?”

Jaemin looks up just in time to see his director’s face go a furious red and cuts in before an angry explosion can start. “Yeah, we dated.”

The director’s mouth snaps shut and he turns to stare at him. Donghyuck, for the first time, looks at Jaemin, but Jaemin stares straight ahead. He takes a breath and summons up all the hurt that’s been forcibly locked away and injects it all into the most vicious tone he can carry. “But it doesn’t matter. It ended a long time ago and there’s nothing between us. We’re nothing now.”

He’s viciously pleased when he hears a sharp intake of air come from Donghyuck’s side of the room. It lasts for half a second before he starts feeling guilty, but he refuses to back down. Just stares straight ahead. And doesn’t acknowledge him.

“I see,” the director says finally. “And damage control wise?” He glances at the woman sitting beside him, who hasn’t said a word up until now. “What can we do?”

“I don’t see what you can do,” she says briskly, looking at the director over the top of her glasses. “The rumour mill will run regardless of whether you say something or not - and if you _do_ acknowledge that they have a past, it will just incite more questions. I’d say ignore it and in a couple of weeks, it’ll all die down.”

“All right then, that’s what we’ll do. No mention of this, from either of you, and hopefully this will all die down.”

“Excuse me,” Donghyuck’s manager cuts in with a sharp tone, finally looking up from his phone and pinning the man to where he stands with his glare. “I’d like to remind you sir, that you are in no position to order Donghyuck around. We are here because you _requested_ it. Not because we have an obligation to, and our company will respond however we see fit.” He stands, not waiting for a response, and jerks his head at Donghyuck. Jaemin’s pretty sure the director wouldn’t have been able to summon one anyway, with the way he’s spluttering. “We’re leaving, come on.”

Donghyuck stands and leaves.

Jaemin looks up as he does and he swears the world stops for a second when Donghyuck glances back at him and their eyes meet. That second seems to stretch out for an eternity and Donghyuck’s eyes widen when he realises Jaemin’s looking back at him and his lips - those damnable perfect lips - part. They stare at each other for what seems like forever.

Then the world snaps back into motion and Donghyuck’s gone, the door softly shutting behind him. Jaemin’s left breathless, staring at nothing. Staring at the ghost of what he used to know.

How does Donghyuck still have such a hold on him? After all this time?

**Present**

It’s probably a really bad decision, but when he gets home from that stupid meeting, Donghyuck leans back in his bed and fires up Instagram Live.

He spends a couple of minutes talking about everything and nothing before a comment catches his attention.

“Who is the song _Untitled_ about? It must be about someone,” he reads out, holding the comment down with his thumb so it doesn’t fly away with the flurry of words that speed past him. Donghyuck hums, tipping his head to the side, thinking about it.

What makes his decision for him, ultimately, isn’t the frankly fabulous speech Ten had spit at the puffy, red-faced director they’d met that afternoon, nor was it whatever half-baked revenge it would be on the man. What makes his decision is the memory of Jaemin staring at him in that conference room, with the morning sun shining around him, lighting him, his eyes wide and hurt despite the cruel words he’d spit out. Because Donghyuck doesn’t want to be what Jaemin had claimed they were. He doesn’t want to be _nothing_ because they _were_ something. They were an amazing, delightful something. And they’d fallen apart like some things do.

And Donghyuck refuses to let the memory of those golden days, no matter how filled with pain and hurt they were, be erased by a few simple throwaway words.

“Jaemin,” he says finally. “The song is about Jaemin.”

And he watches the world around him explode.

**One Year and Six Months Ago**

"You're a lonely hag." Is the first thing Yangyang says when he bursts into Donghyuck's apartment on a lonely Sunday morning.

"Offensive," Donghyuck points out, not moving from the couch as Yangyang shoots straight into his kitchen and rummages around loudly. He'd moved out of his old apartment a month or so ago, into a far newer and bigger place, and he's still not used to the size to be honest. It feels too big, too empty. It's funny, how when he had the smaller apartment, he'd had so many more things in his life: hope, a boyfriend, a sense of happiness. But now that he has the money to afford this newer place, all of those previous things had vanished. Funny. "And out of the blue."

Yangyang finally comes out of the kitchen with Donghyuck's favourite snack clutched in his hands and drops down onto the other chair. "You need to get out of this sad place before you wither apart," he tells him.

Donghyuck tries to narrow his eyes at him, but his body gives up before he can manage it, too exhausted to try and play along. Yangyang was brilliant, could be described as a near genius if Donghyuck was willing, but he was also the most annoying person Donghyuck had ever met. "I don't need to do anything," he says tightly. "I'm fine the way I am."

Yangyang raises an eyebrow over at him, and in that moment he looks so much like Jaemin it knocks the breath out of Donghyuck's lungs. He glances down at the floor, trying to regain his footing and brushes any thoughts of _him_ out of his head. He'll start crying soon if he doesn't.

"When was the last time you showered?" Yangyang asks him. "Because you honestly look terrible."

Donghyuck thinks about it. "Um, two days ago?"

"If you have to question it, then it's been too long," Yangyang tells him, disgusted.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and slumps lower against the couch. "Cut me some slack, I'm heartbroken," he says tonelessly.

"It's been six months."

"And I'm still heartbroken," Donghyuck repeats, pleased when his voice doesn't shake at the words. The back of his eyes burn and he coughs, to relieve himself of the feeling. Jaemin was the love of his life. And now he was gone. "He was my everything." It feels like his throat is tearing apart when he says those words.

"But _you_ broke up with _him_ ," Yangyang points out, and Donghyuck groans and falls back on the couch, spreading out and grabbing a throw pillow, shoving it on top of his face. Maybe he can suffocate himself. It'll be the best ending, probably. He can see the headlines now: Mediocre Singer with One Album Dies Loveless and Alone in His Stupid New Apartment.

"I'm not explaining this to you again," he says, muffled through the pillow instead of actually carrying out his elaborate suicide plot. "I _will_ start weeping all over you if I do, and you're a terrible caretaker."

"Ugh, good, I don't want to hear it," Yangyang says through a mouthful of chips. "Back to my original point - you're a lonely hag and you're going to wither away in this place if you don't get out more. So I've arranged a date for you."

" _What_?" Donghyuck sits up, the pillow falling onto the floor with a soft _whuff_. "Yangyang, no!"

"Yangyang, yes," Yangyang says, pleased. "You'll like him, he's _adorable_. It's this Friday at this fancy Italian place."

"I'm not going on a date," Donghyuck exclaims, his heart thundering in his chest. "I'm not - I can't. Not yet." Jaemin's face flashes in his mind and he winces. "I'm not _ready._ "

"I know," Yangyang says, tone going softer than Donghyuck had imagined it could. "But you're not going to get any better wallowing here like this. So on Friday, you're going to shower - please shower before then too, you really stink - and put on your nicest outfit and go make sweet small talk. I've already told him you're very excited and you wouldn't want to let this kid down, he's seriously adorable. It'd be like hurting a puppy."

Donghyuck grimaces. "I can't."

"You can, and you will," Yangyang tells him before he sighs. "You know, it doesn't have to go anywhere, Donghyuck, but you need to get out of your house. And you need to talk to more people that aren't me and Mark. You aren't writing and you aren't doing gigs either; all you're doing is alternating being sad at the company and crying here, and it's not healthy. This _will_ be good for you, I promise."

"And if it's not?" Donghyuck arches a brow at him, giving in because none of Yangyang's words were lies. Donghyuck's found it harder and harder to get out of bed every single day since he broke up with Jaemin. It hasn't been getting easier and he cries at the drop of a hat at every single thing that even mildly reminds him of Jaemin. "What will you do for me then?"

Yangyang shrugs, popping another chip into his mouth. "I'm sure you'll think of something," he says, and carelessly wipes his salty hand on Donghyuck's chair, grinning when Donghyuck glares at him.

There's a reason Donghyuck doesn't venture out of his apartment other than to go to work. He glances once more at the large billboard hovering over the buildings, a massive Jaemin and a pretty actress Donghyuck doesn't know the name of, plastered all over it. The woman has her hand wrapped around Jaemin's tie and Jaemin smoldering down at her, eyelashes thick with mascara and his lips tinted. They seem to be advertising perfume, though Donghyuck has no idea how that connection can be made when it looks like they're about to go at it right there, on the wall.

Jaemin's face is everywhere these days. On advertisements, plastered all over a popular brand of fruity soju, in the news every other month for a new dating rumour. Donghyuck was nearly tempted to disable his wifi connection in his apartment after the fourth SNS alert popped up on his phone to check out 'Na Jaemin's New Fling!!!'

The bus pulls up and Donghyuck gets on, adjusting his jacket - the one fancy thing he owns. He doesn't think about the fact that it was Jaemin who had bought it for him. Down that path lies a lot of tears and Donghyuck doesn't want to show up for his date sobbing and covered in snot.

All Yangyang had told him about his blind date was that he was a dancer in their company who was very cute and had warned him not to break his heart. Donghyuck had just nodded at it; he's plumb out of energy to break anymore hearts for the rest of the millennium. Throughout the ride to the restaurant, Donghyuck just sifts through all the people he knows are dancers at his company and tries to imagine which one of them would have consented to going on a date with Donghyuck when they'd all probably seen him weepy and sad, clutching a cup of coffee to his chest as he'd navigated the building in the weeks after his breakup.

But, out of all the people Donghyuck thinks of, he doesn't expect Jisung to be standing outside the restaurant, eyes wide as he nervously pulls down the sleeves of his jacket, trying to cover his hands with the short material. Donghyuck stands there, observing him, and for the first time in weeks, feels a faint smile curl his lips up.

"I can't believe you agreed to this," Donghyuck tells Jisung when they sit down in the restaurant, shedding their jackets. "I mean, you've _seen_ me this last month. Not exactly dating material."

Jisung just sends him a small, shy smile and Donghyuck can't help the fondness that pours through him at that small movement. _Oh_ , Jisung _was_ adorable. "I thought you'd like some company," he admits. "It doesn't have to be an actual date or anything, hyung. You're just really cool and I wanted to get to know you."

"Oh," Donghyuck says helplessly. "Oh no, you're so cute."

Jisung blinks and then goes a brilliant pink.

Despite his expectations, Donghyuck is actually having a good time. The food is great, the atmosphere is nice, and Jisung turns out to be a wonderfully worthy opponent in the battle of conversation with Donghyuck when he gets over his shyness.

"So, how long have you known you wanted to be a dancer?" Donghyuck asks.

Jisung screws up his face, thinking about it, and Donghyuck tries very hard not to smile over his scrunched up nose. "I think since I was a little kid," Jisung hums. "My parents took me to see this festival when I was five, and there was this dance group there. They just looked like they were having so much fun and they were all so skilled, and I think from then I was hooked."

Donghyuck smiles. "And you like it here?"

Jisung nods enthusiastically. "I do!" He says brightly. "I mean, it might not be the most glamorous job in the world, but I get to dance every day and management don't mind if I work in a dance group outside of the company too, so it's fun."

"It's really wonderful, isn't it, to find that _something_ that makes you click?" Donghyuck hums and Jisung nods, smiling happily at him.

Donghyuck opens his mouth to say something else but then the front doors of the restaurant open, catching his gaze, and his heart falls somewhere in the vicinity of his feet when he catches sight of who walks through the doors.

He goes breathless.

Jaemin looks... _Good_. He's in a slim dark blue blazer and his hair is a bright blonde now and there's another pretty lady on his arm.

Then as if by magic, or fate, or some stupid force in the universe that keeps pushing them back together despite all the signs that point otherwise, Jaemin looks exactly at Donghyuck, pinning him to where he sits.

Donghyuck can't seem to remember what breathing feels like.

And it feels like they're in a scene from one of Jaemin's dramas; the world slows down around them and they stare at each other and Donghyuck can't tear his eyes away. It hurts.

It's been six months but it still hurts just as badly as that day. It feels like his heart is breaking all over again.

Somehow, out of nowhere, Donghyuck manages to find the strength to look away and he does, ducking his head to stare at his pasta.

"Oh, hyung!"

Donghyuck's head shoots up in horror as Jisung waves Jaemin over, his eyes bright. How does Jisung know Jaemin? Jaemin pauses in his step and Donghyuck's heart stutters when he smiles at Jisung for a second before leaning down to the girl next to him and whispering something before making his way over to him.

“Hey Jisung-ah, how are you doing?” Jaemin asks, not even glancing at Donghyuck as he subtly turns his back to him.

“I’m good, hyung,” Jisung says brightly. “I saw your last movie, you looked really funny.”

“It wasn’t a comedy,” Jaemin looks affronted and Jisung breaks out into laughter.

“Oh, hyung, do you know Donghyuck hyung? He works at my company?” Jisung gestures around Jaemin’s back at Donghyuck who widens his eyes, and subtly shakes his head before Jaemin turns his head and stares drolly at him.

“We’ve met,” Jaemin says with a cold smile, just as Donghyuck at the same time blurts,

“It’s nice to meet you, Na-ssi.”

There’s an awkward silence and Jaemin’s smile falls off his face, expression turning cold and closed off. Donghyuck doesn’t wince, but it’s a close thing. The thing is, if he didn’t know Jaemin the way he does, Donghyuck wouldn’t have recognised the glint of hurt that Jaemin quickly buries.

Jisung’s face twitches, looking painfully awkward for a second before he turns to Jaemin. “Um, well it was nice to see you, hyung.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin agrees and Donghyuck closes his eyes for a second when Jaemin reaches out to run his hand over the back of Jisung’s head briefly. “I’ll talk to you later, Jisung-ah.” He says, before pulling away and walking back to his own table.

Donghyuck bites his lower lip and grimaces when Jisung looks at him. “Um-”

“Is Jaemin hyung the one you were dating, hyung?” Jisung asks before Donghyuck can blurt out any stupid explanation for why he’s about to start bawling in the middle of a restaurant.

“Um. Oh - um - yeah,” Donghyuck says softly. He looks down at his pasta. All of a sudden he doesn’t feel that hungry anymore. “That obvious, huh?”

“It’s kind of hard not to notice,” Jisung shrugs and Donghyuck lets out a pained laugh. “Um, especially with the way Jaemin hyung keeps glaring at you.”

“Oh, so that’s why I feel like my back is on flames.”

Jisung snorts. “Probably.”

Donghyuck walks Jisung to the subway after that disastrous excuse of a dinner, sheepishly shoving his hands inside his pockets when Jisung turns to face him.

"Thanks hyung," Jisung says, with a shy smile. "That was um-"

"The worst dinner ever?" Donghyuck suggests and Jisung laughs.

"I've had worse, if you believe it."

"I'm not sure I do," Donghyuck mutters but he tips his head to the side and smiles at Jisung. "But if you want to put up with me for _more_ after tonight, I'd love to meet you again."

"As friends, right?" Jisung asks with a wary look in his eyes. "Because trust me, I knew Jaemin hyung when he found his first girlfriend in middle school and he was scary possessive and I'm not sure I want to get in the middle of that. Especially now that hyung's older and probably more scary."

"Yeah," Donghyuck laughs, ignoring the fond slash nauseous jolt in his stomach at the thought of a young Jaemin confessing to a girl, holding her hand after school, his big eyes wide and his mouth pulled into a large grin. He can just imagine. "Just as friends."

Jisung's grin widens. "Great," he says, bouncing up on his toes. "You can buy me food at work sometime, hyung." And with a final grin, he bounds down the steps and vanishes into the subway tunnel.

Donghyuck stares down at the dimly lit staircase for the longest time before a particularly cold blast of wind jerks him out of his thoughts. He shrugs his jacket higher up on his collar, and heads back to the bus station, thinking and thinking.

**One Year Ago**

Maybe Donghyuck shouldn't have offered to host dinner tonight. He can't cook, so Mark and Yangyang had just bought their favourite food and Jisung had brought all the snacks he could carry. Donghyuck just provided the alcohol.

Perhaps he'd gone a bit crazy when buying the bottles, but in his defense, he really hadn't been paying attention to what he'd been putting in his cart until he'd met the cashier's slightly judgmental gaze as he'd put the basket on the counter. And then it was too late in the game to try and backpedal.

"Gimme more chips," Yangyang demands from somewhere behind Donghyuck's armchair and Jisung, who is perched on said armchair, just sighs and leans behind him to drop the chip bag on top of Yangyang.

"Hyung-" Jisung starts, turning back to them, but Donghyuck interrupts him with a loud,

"Mark, turn on the TV, it's _too_ quiet in here."

Mark groans and sits up, fumbling for the remote.

"Hyung," Jisung tries again. "Maybe you should stop drinking? You're looking kind of... green."

"Nope," Donghyuck says, popping the top of another soju bottle and swigging straight from the bottle. "I don't have to work tomorrow and neither does Markie, so I'm going to drink until I pass out."

" _I_ have to work tomorrow," Yangyang interjects from behind the chair.

"That sounds like a you problem," Donghyuck says blithely, taking another swig. He kicks Mark. " _Mark_ , TV."

"I'm working on it," Mark mumbles. "My fingers aren't working."

Donghyuck sighs and snatches the remote from Mark, fumbling with the buttons until the TV turns on. Donghyuck blinks blearily at the television. There's an ad for toothpaste playing and Donghyuck vaguely feels like he wants to brush his teeth.

"We should buy this toothpaste," Mark mumbles.

"We _should_ ," Donghyuck agrees.

"Good god," Jisung mumbles.

The ad ends and the drama that was ongoing fades back into the screen. Donghyuck watches in dry mouthed horror as Jaemin's face from nearly three years ago fills the screen.

"Oh my god," Jisung mutters again. "Is this...?"

"This is Jaemin's first drama," Donghyuck's eyes widen and he sits up straight, staring at the TV.

"Um," Mark sits up quickly. "Maybe we should - _hic_ \- try to watch something else." He sneaks a hand in to try and get the remote from Donghyuck's hands. Donghyuck smacks him before he can go any further.

"Nope, I'm going to watch this," he says.

Yangyang peels himself off the floor and crawls over the carpet in front of the TV, peering up at Jaemin's pouting face, blood dripping from his lower lip as he stares sadly after a retreating girl.

"I think he just got punched," Donghyuck says with much satisfaction. "Good."

"Oh, is _that_ Jaemin?" Yangyang asks fuzzily. He turns his head to nod approvingly at Donghyuck. "He's hot."

Donghyuck scrunches up his face and finishes off his bottle before grabbing a chip from the coffee table and flinging it at the TV. It bounces off Jaemin's eye and Donghyuck grins. "He was an asshole," he says brightly, before sliding off the couch and onto the floor.

Jisung sighs and leans forward to get his own drink.

Two hours later, Donghyuck is depressingly drunk.

"I hate him," he mumbles, lying sideways on his carpet - surprisingly soft even after all these months - and staring up at the third episode of Jaemin's first drama they were all of a sudden binging. He sobs a little, scrubbing at his eyes. "I miss him."

"You can't do _both_ ," Yangyang argues.

Donghyuck flings a chip at him, pleased when it hits its target. "Yes I can," he insists through a watery voice.

On screen Jaemin leans in, bruised lip and all, and smirks flirtatiously at Yeri's character.

Donghyuck growls and flings another chip at the screen. "Fucking flirty asshole," he says before promptly bursting into tears.

"Oh god, hyung," Jisung mumbles and slides down onto the ground to pat clumsily at Donghyuck's head.

"I miss him," Donghyuck wails. He knows distantly, that he's being kind of ridiculous, but he can't help it. Every time he thinks about Jaemin, he feels like crying again, and given that he's watching _Jaemin's_ drama right now, it's kind of hard to avoid him.

The drama fades into ads again and Donghyuck clumsily fumbles for the remote, hitting the mute button. He starts humming softly to himself and flops over onto his back so that he can stare up at the ceiling.

Silence invades his living room, a symphony of soft breathing from all of his friends, and Donghyuck closes his eyes, sending the last wave of tears running down the side of his face, dripping into his hair as he thinks. Thinks about Jaemin and his smile and his laugh and the way he had held Donghyuck, so softly, so delicately, as if Donghyuck was something to be cherished.

Donghyuck hiccups. And then it comes to him.

It's the bare bones of a melody, twisting through his mind, but it's _something_. It's the first song he's thought of in months. And it sounds _good_. Donghyuck's eyes flash open and he scrambles up, dislodging Jisung's hand.

"What's wrong?" Mark asks fuzzily from the couch, propping himself up on his elbows as watches Donghyuck slip over the slick floor on his socks to his bedroom. "Hyuck?"

"Shut up," Donghyuck yells, nearly falling over his bed as he grabs his guitar.

"What-" Mark asks but Donghyuck just slips back around the corner to the living room and thrusts his guitar at Mark.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," he chants, grabbing his phone. "It's going to slip away from me, if I let it. And I'm really fucking drunk, so it totally could."

"Hyung, you're not making any sense," Jisung mumbles as Donghyuck clicks record on the voice memo app.

"Okay," he points at Mark, nearly tipping onto his side as he sits clumsily back on the ground. "Listen, and fucking play when you get it."

Mark blinks at him in confusion but he obediently brings his hands up to the guitar, readying himself. Even Yangyang sits up, frowning at them in interest.

Donghyuck opens his mouth and promptly hiccups.

Donghyuck wakes up to the sun trying to stab his eyeballs out.

"Morning, sunshine," Yangyang says in a gravelly voice, poking him with his toes. "Rise and shine."

Donghyuck peels his eyes open, feeling like death warmed over. He's pretty sure he's lying halfway under the coffee table and he's more sure that the lump sprawled across him, vaguely groaning, is Jisung. Yangyang is standing over him, a bottle of water clutched in his hand and a grumpy look on his face. His hair is sticking up every which way, and his eyes are narrowed down at Donghyuck.

"Mark's making coffee and if you aren't up in the next ten minutes, I'm pretty sure he's going to burn down your apartment trying to make breakfast."

Donghyuck groans and peels himself off the ground, gently rolling Jisung onto the carpet before stumbling to the bathroom to make himself feel slightly less like death.

"I'm deleting it," Donghyuck says over his amazing eggs and Mark's certainly more sub par toast.

Jisung peers at him over his breakfast before apparently deciding it's too much effort to continue listening and plants his head on Donghyuck's table.

Mark, with surprising dexterity for someone with the same hangover that Donghyuck's currently battling, smacks his hand away from his phone before he can even try. "You are not," he insists, grabbing Donghyuck's phone. "When we're less hungover, we're listening to this again and working out the kinks and we're going to release it. Because it's _good_."

Donghyuck scrunches his nose up. "Why bother? It's not like he's going to listen to it." Shit. Why does he always say the stupidest things.

Mark looks sympathetic. "He might. You don't know that."

Donghyuck finds a chip on the table from last night and flings it at Mark. "Don't say stupid things, Mark."

Jaemin sure as hell doesn't care about him anymore. That much is clear.

**Present**

Jaemin is lying in an empty practice room in his company, limbs star fished out in every direction, his eyes closed, the remote for the speakers in his hand.

The song ends and Jaemin just hits play again before the silence can overwhelm him.

There's a beat then Jisung's voice mumbles, faded, like he's speaking through murky fog, "Hyung, you're not making any sense." A soft laugh sounds, then a click, as if someone's pressed play on an old recording player and a soft acoustic melody starts up.

Eleven seconds and then Donghyuck's voice comes in over, soft and sweet and a little shaky. Jaemin wonders if he'd felt like crying when he recorded this song; it certainly sounds like it. He can't remember when he realised that he can still remember every inflection of Donghyuck's voice and what it means, but it sure as hell doesn't help now that he's seeing him every other day.

The song fades out, with a last final hum in Donghyuck's delicate vibrato, and Jaemin takes a shuddering breath.

Then he raises his hand and clicks play again.

"You're being a fucking idiot," comes Jeno's voice on the seventeenth replay of the song. "Why?"

Jaemin turns up the volume, hoping Jeno will take the hint and go away, but Jeno just comes to sit down beside him and forcibly pries the remote away from his hand and turns the music off.

"Will you please go away and let me be sad?" Jaemin asks sadly.

"I heard from Renjun - what you said in that conference," Jeno presses. "Why did you say that?"

Jaemin opens his eyes to look at Jeno. Jeno's staring fondly down at him, his hand stroking Jaemin's hair. "I wanted to hurt him," he admits quietly. "And then I didn't anymore. As soon as I did it, I wanted to take it back."

"Then just take it back."

"It's not that easy," Jaemin huffs. He can still remember the sharp intake of breath Donghyuck had taken, remembers the precise way his lips had parted when he'd met Jaemin's gaze.

Jeno purses his lips and then smacks Jaemin across the head.

"Ow!" Jaemin protests, sitting up to retaliate, but Jeno cuts him off before he can go any further.

"It _is_ that simple, you idiot," Jeno scolds. "You've been in love with him for how long now? And it's been two years since you broke up and you still haven't stopped! How long do you want to continue like this? It is _so_ easy. You walk down there, you tell him you're sorry, you accept _his_ apology, and you tell him you're in love with him and that you want to try things again."

"Have you been battling a long lost love that you haven't told me about, Jeno?" Jaemin asks him, teasing. Jeno narrows his eyes at him, clearly unamused.

"Go talk to him, Jaemin," Jeno says.

Jaemin sighs, and his shoulder slump. "But, Jeno, what if he doesn't love me anymore?" He asks quietly.

It's the thing he's thought about the most. Lying there in bed, heart aching over someone he hasn't seen in months, remembering the way Donghyuck had laughed, the way his cheeks had flushed under Jaemin's gaze, the way he'd kissed him, as if it was a marvel every single time.

What if that was it for them? What if they'd lived out their best days and this was it? They were doomed to be sad and bitter towards each other, waiting and wanting for something that would never come again.

Jeno looks at him and then presses play on the song. They listen in silence to Jisung's voice in the intro, to the guitar and piano melody, to Donghyuck's voice, singing as if it was his last day on earth, as if this was the last song he'd ever sing.

Singing as if _Jaemin_ was his last.

The song plays through and they sit there until it fades into nothingness. Jeno turns the speaker off, letting the silence well around them before he breaks it.

"Does that sound like someone who's fallen out of love to you?"

**Five Months Ago**

The night his album drops, Donghyuck sits in his studio and listens to the tenth song again. They'd decided to keep the name - _Untitled_ \- because nothing else seemed to fit. There Donghyuck sits, in front of his computer, legs crossed under him, his eyes closed as he listens to it again.

Listens to Jisung's sleepy voice in the introduction, to the soft laugh Mark had recorded for him, to the melody Yangyang had helped him with. To his vocals. To his lyrics. To his song.

The song silently fades out and Donghyuck sits there, in the dark, the only light coming from his computer, until the clock turns to midnight.

He refreshes the page and there on the site sits his album, with it's white cover, his lyrics scribbled out on the page, his signature sitting at the bottom. Ten tracks.

All ten of them, sitting there, for the world to see.

Donghyuck sighs and then slowly shuts down his computer and leaves the studio.

**Present**

Jaemin knocks on Donghyuck's door with his heart in his throat. He doesn't know what he's going to say, he doesn't know what Donghyuck will do. He could open the door and just slam it right back in his face as soon as he sees Jaemin. He could reject him. He could do exactly what Jaemin's dreaming of.

Or...

He could just not answer.

Jaemin knocks again, but there's no sound from the other side. He's not home - probably.

Then Jaemin spies the stairs at the end of the hallway and he takes a breath. Follows the feeling in his gut and walks away from Donghyuck's door.

The sun is hiding behind a thick layer of clouds when Jaemin steps out onto the roof, but Donghyuck still shines like he's under a spotlight. He feels breathless for no reason. What if... what if....

"Jaemin?" Donghyuck asks, turning around when the door falls shut on the brick holding it open, making a loud clunking sound. "What are you doing here?"

He doesn't look angry, or confused, he just looks... resigned.

"I don't want to fight anymore," he says before Jaemin can say anything. "Okay? I'm sorry I told everyone who the song was about but I just - I can't anymore. It's been two years of me trying: trying to forget you, trying to move on, trying to be okay. But every time you just fall back into my life, whether you know it or not and I just... I just want to stop."

And Jaemin stares.

Rain starts spattering down on the rooftop and Jaemin keeps staring.

And he stares and stares and suddenly, he knows exactly what to say.

"You know, the first time I ever saw you, I think I fell in love with you." Jaemin blurts. Donghyuck doesn't have the chance to say anything because Jaemin just rushes forward because he has to say this, has to get it out before he loses this chance forever. "And that's ridiculous obviously, because I don't believe in love at first sight - you know that - and we were children, I couldn't have known what love was back then but- but _god_ Hyuck, the first time I saw you I really fell for you. And then we started talking and I fell for you more and more and then I couldn't stop, and it was like I was falling the whole time we were dating and I was so in love with you. I loved you so much, no matter how shitty I was at showing it." He sucks in a desperate gasp of air and keeps going because Donghyuck's eyes are wide and his lips - those _perfect_ lips - are parted but he isn't saying anything, he's letting Jaemin talk.

Jaemin steps closer, closing the gap between them. "But then you broke up with me. And- and that hurt. So fucking much. You left me and I didn't know what to do because for like five years you were my everything, and then all of a sudden, you were gone. And you were so cold and you acted like I didn't exist to you and _fuck_ \- and then you released that fucking song and it’s like everything came rushing back and I don't - I realised I don't know how to live without you. I'm falling and I'm falling, but there's no one there to catch me. _You_ were that someone. I can't - fuck - I _meant_ it, Sun, every single time I said we were forever. Because we _are._ You and I, we're forever. And I can't live without that. I just can't."

Donghyuck stares at him. "What are you saying?" He whispers. The rain is pouring down steadily harder now. "You want to try again? Really? Even after everything we went through?"

"I'm saying I want to try again _because_ of everything we went through. And I want to keep trying, because god - Sun," Jaemin chokes out. "You're it for me. You're my forever."

And just as thunder rolls across the sky, Donghyuck reaches out and touches Jaemin for the first time in two years. Jaemin's hands cup Donghyuck's cheeks for the first time in two years, and Donghyuck leans up on his tiptoes and kisses Jaemin.

For the first time in two years, something that had fallen apart in Jaemin's chest slowly pulls itself back together, like a heart remending itself.

For the first time in two years, his forever feels certain.

> **High school sweethearts, Na Jaemin and Lee Donghyuck spill on their relationship, new projects, and social media**
> 
> **Written by Son Wendy**
> 
> Unless you’ve been living under a rock and don’t watch dramas or listen to music or consume any kind of media news, you probably know who Na Jaemin and Lee Donghyuck are. And know their story. The two twenty-four year olds had taken the country by storm when several months ago, a song released by Lee went viral, topping every chart and music show months after its release. All due to the fact that it was aired on Na’s drama in the place of an OST that week.
> 
> What followed could have been something out of the dramas Na is so fond of taking on as side projects to his budding blockbuster movies. Lee and Na’s past as classmates and close friends throughout Na’s debut came to light during interviews and through gossip columns. Weeks later, in a particularly dramatic Instagram live, now uploaded on Youtube by a fan with over a million hits, Lee admitted the song had been about Na, his then ex-boyfriend. The rest, as they say, is history.
> 
> Na and Lee are together now, having announced their relationship through their companies two months ago. Every move they make - a shared selfie uploaded on Na’s Instagram account, with a tidy 2 million followers, every interview they’ve done, every blurry shot a fan catches of them arguing at IKEA over furniture, gets written about and ends up as the top article on the respective news sites for weeks. Even a small teaser clip Lee had uploaded on Twitter two weeks ago for an upcoming album has been watched nearly a million times. The two are currently running the world, whether they want to be or not.
> 
> I had the opportunity to interview the two stars who are the current topic of conversation on this week's, the last, and quite possibly the next week's news cycle. Na Jaemin, the rising actor (no longer quite rising as he is cemented at his position near the top), and Lee Donghyuck, possibly the most popular indie singer up there in the ranks with giants like AKMU and Hyukoh, sat down with me to discuss their relationship, upcoming projects, and their long and storied past.
> 
> Lee Donghyuck, dressed in an impressively ripped pair of jeans, loose Nirvana shirt and heeled ankle boots, looking very much like the stereotype of the music he writes, stretches out on the couch, his long limbs proprietorially spread across the fabric and his boyfriend. In a perfect contrast, Na Jaemin sits up straight, his hands on his knees, a pleasant smile stretched across his handsome features. He’s dressed much more formally than his musical counterpart, in high waisted gray pleated slacks and a cream turtleneck tucked in, fitting perfectly with his newly dyed caramel hair.
> 
> They both greet me, Jaemin far more freeing with his smiles than Donghyuck, who offers me one half smile before composing his face into an expression most often seen during his stages.
> 
> I jump right in with the heavy stuff because I don't have much time with the two of them. They are in as much of high demand as any celebrity couple in Korea could be. “You two have been the object of a media frenzy for a couple of months now. Did the public scrutiny into your relationship change how you approached it? Did it factor at all into pursuing to restart it?” I ask, pushing my recorder over to them.
> 
> Jaemin hums thoughtfully, clearly intent on answering, but it’s Donghyuck who takes the first leap. “A little, for sure," he says, still lounging against the couch. "It was social media that sort of fed the frenzy in the first place. I’m not sure if we would have even taken the steps to get there if it hadn’t been for those first interviews who always _wanted_ to know about our past.” Jaemin purses his lips at Donghyuck at that, and Donghyuck simply smiles pleasantly back, unrepentant in his cattiness.
> 
> “We’re public figures,” Jaemin adds, placating. “Of course scrutiny plays a big role into how we shape our relationship, but the inherent pieces of it are still the same. We’re still the same people we were five years ago when no one knew who we were.” His words are quiet and impactful, but clearly both have been trained well by their PR team, for it offers none of the gory details I was hoping to pluck out from this interview. I try a different approach.
> 
> “Speaking of your past, not a great deal is known there. You have pictures from classmates showing you were friends in high school, but was there perhaps more to that story?”
> 
> Donghyuck smiles a shark smile at me. “Isn’t there more to every story?” He asks, with nothing more to follow. The look that Jaemin shoots him could not be described as anything more than fond.
> 
> The interview carries on in much the same fashion, with vague fluffy answers when it suits them, and abrupt one word answers when it doesn’t suit me. However, one needs not to hear the answers Jaemin and Donghyuck have rehearsed to glean information about their relationship which they clearly want to keep on the lockdown, despite being one of the most overly watched couples by the Korean public. If I was not a married woman, I would perhaps feel insecure or at least a little lost by the fond looks Jaemin and Donghyuck seem to use as their telepathic mode of communication. For every short answer thrown my way, there is a press of faintly tinted lips, hiding a proud smile. For every sarcastic remark Donghyuck has to offer me, Jaemin has a laugh to smooth it out, his eyes shining as he glances at Donghyuck. For every perfect PR remark Jaemin recites by rote, Donghyuck is watching him intently, eyes never wavering from the side of his face. They started the interview sitting half a foot apart, and by the middle of it, have gravitated towards each other, their fingers loosely intertwined on Jaemin’s thigh.
> 
> They are a couple so obviously in love, that it takes none of the words they give me, polished or otherwise, to feel the impact.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are the tracks that I imagined would make up Donghyuck's album. I know that I say in the fic that the 10th track is the 'Untitled' one but I don't really have a specific song on this list that can properly convey the heartache so just consider it an amalgamation of all the songs in this album. 
> 
> 'You' Tracks:  
> Lover, Please Stay - Nothing But Thieves  
> Good Things Fall Apart - Jon Bellion  
> Dancing in the Rain - Rad Museum  
> All Too Well - Taylor Swift  
> Home - Catie Turner  
> Cherry - Harry Styles  
> Someone Like You - Adele  
> Stay Here - Gaho  
> Wine - Taeyeon  
> Sorry Not Sorry - Chen
> 
> Please do leave me some of your brain waves, I've been so excited to share this with everyone and I really want to know what you think.  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/thereisnoreality)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [there you are, there you were](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26182702) by [demonglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonglass/pseuds/demonglass)




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